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“Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” Matthew 25: 40
This morning, the Senate Public Health and Welfare Committee finished up its effort to strip fentanyl testing strips and an Overdose death review board from HB2390 - and instead replaced the bill with language from SB6
HB2390 was a bill that would’ve created a review board that would examine opioid overdose deaths in the state and look for policy recommendations that could help reduce and prevent future overdose deaths. It also contained a provision that would decriminalize fentanyl testing strips - which is a tool that’s proven to alter the behavior of those using drugs and demonstrably saves lives. It was introduced by the Kansas Department of Health and Environment, and introduced and supported by a Republican member of the House who is also a doctor.
SB6 is a bill that restricts “the authority of the Secretary of Health and local health departments to prevent the introduction and spread of infectious or contagious diseases.” It was introduced by Sen. Mark Steffen, of Hutchinson.
HB2390 passed the House with a unanimous vote - 121-0. SB6 passed the Senate by a vote of 22-18.
In the Senate Committee, the first salvo was to strip out fentanyl testing strips. The second was to strip out the review board, and the third was to gut the bill altogether and insert Sen. Steffen’s lingering paranoia about public health. You can watch how it played out, and also learn how to not run a committee.
Here's the video - https://youtu.be/9PIPZc59RAw
The prevailing thought among seemingly enough Senate Republicans is that allowing testing strips will enable drug use. That’s not true - and not supported by a shred of evidence. When that argument was knocked down, they invented the excuse that if fentanyl testing strips are not illegal, law enforcement could lose the probable cause needed to carry out further searches. This, likewise isn’t true. The law enforcement officers I talked to - including the KBI - indicated that it takes more than one thing to create probable cause. And there’s always more than one thing if a search is warranted.
At some point, we have to accept that there are people in the Capitol building who don’t care about some people. They care about the right people - and that is always, without question, defined by the people in charge.
I will admit that I’m exhausted, demoralized, and, frankly defeated.
In this building, we’re supposed to be here to do good work. To help people. To learn - about our state, our industries, our people, and the challenges they encounter in their daily lives. And we’re supposed to use that information to put in place policy that will make our state better.
Many days, I don’t feel that’s what’s happening here. And certainly when it comes to battling our opioid epidemic, and the growing scourge of fentanyl, there’s a group of people - all of them in the Senate - who refuse to acknowledge this reality or to take even the simplest steps to help.
I understand and expect there will be differences in this place about how to solve problems - and which approaches are going to be the most effective. But I don’t expect for a handful of people to be able to overwhelm the majority, nor do I expect that a few people can decide to ignore a legitimate problem altogether.
KDHE has a dashboard to track overdose deaths. There were 678 overdose deaths in 2021.
Yet another teenager recently died from fentanyl. He’s not the first and he won’t be the last.
The Kansas City Police Department reported that accidental overdose from fentanyl poisoning has increased 150 percent from 2019 to 2020. And the Centers for Disease Control reported that fentanyl-related overdose deaths increased 350 percent among American teenagers between 2019 and 2021.
I have an alert set up that tells me every time there’s news coverage about fentanyl deaths in Kansas. I get notifications almost every day. The problem is getting worse, not better. Our 1980s policies are outdated and ineffective against what we’re facing today.
And the Rand Corporation - not exactly a bastion of liberal thought or policy - issued a 600-page report saying that the American approach to opioids must be viewed, and addressed, from an ecosystem perspective. There is no silver bullet in this - because this virus is embedded too broadly, and is too adaptive, for a single-track approach.
Yet, we got what we got this morning in the now-ironically named Senate Public Health and Welfare Committee.

I (M52) have been married to my spouse (F50) for a almost a few decades now. We have had a relatively happy marriage with its fair share of ups and downs. We both have a similar sense of humor, and have gone through all sorts of life experiences together. We have a pretty typical middle class life. We have a house together, have had multiple dogs, a couple cars. We weren’t able to have any children due to cancer my wife had when she was younger. We are extremely close to her nieces and nephews though, which I have developed somewhat of a paternal bond with.
Throughout my life, I have suffered from various mental health issues- depression and OCD mainly. My wife also has had her fair share of depression. From the beginning, we have never had the healthiest relationship dynamic. I tried breaking up with her multiple times when we were dating, but ended up being coerced into staying because she would threaten to kill herself if I left. It’s not that I didn’t love her, it’s just that a huge part of me has always felt we would have been better off as friends. In fact, this is something we have recently expressed to one another- that we both probably would have been more successful in life had we not gotten married. She has also always been incredibly insecure, which is something I am often made the target of. Constantly asking me if I find this person attractive, if I’d sleep with this person, etc. And then getting angry at me if I answered earnestly. Since I got a smartphone, she thinks it’s okay to grab my phone out of my hand and do random searches to see if I’m being unfaithful. She refuses to fall asleep unless I’m in bed with her, and she has to be the one to fall asleep first.
To be fair, I don’t think I’ve been the most attentive husband either. I have issues with my attention at times, and can get lost inside of my brain when people are trying to have a conversation with me. Because of my depression, I sometimes become very reclusive and unmotivated. I don’t like going out of the house very much when this happens, and I can become very lazy when it comes to things like housework. She wants me to change my job to day shift so we can spend more time together (I work second shift), but I have been avoiding doing this because I absolutely loathe waking up early (always have) and value the rare alone time I get late at night after she goes to bed.
Everything was fine, not perfect, but fine- until a few years ago where she sits me down to tell me that she’s had an affair with a family friend. She said the affair wasn’t really all that emotional, but was mostly sexual in nature. She said that she had to tell me because she felt guilty, and yet, she didn’t bother to apologize once during that conversation. I should have been more angry. I should have felt incredibly betrayed, considering I spent all of our years together being faithful at the very least. I should have left her. But… I felt more numb than anything. I blamed myself, and I continue to blame myself. Every time I think of it, I get this sinking feeling in my stomach.
And so the marriage has been gradually falling apart since then. We have been in counseling for awhile, which has helped minimally to none. We have barely been intimate, and quite frankly, the attraction really isn’t there for me anymore. For the first time, I am able to admit to myself that I am no longer in love with her. I love her, and I want what’s best for her, but I am no longer in love with my wife. And now we are nothing more than glorified roommates.
About nine months ago on a particularly lonely night, I made a profile on an app for LGBTQ+ people, as I have always had an interest in the community. I was not looking for anything more than a platonic friendship, someone to confide in as I don’t really have many friends. I did not expect to meet a woman on there who would completely transform my life. I have genuinely never met anyone as beautiful as this person, inside and out. She has empathy that knows no bounds. She’s so intelligent and has taught me what it is like to revel in life again. I have seen beauty in things I never have before. She makes me so happy and hopeful; it feels like I’m in love again for the very first time. In fact, it’s nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. I always feel connected to her, and I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s dreadful that I can’t talk to anyone about her. The only person I have told is my sister, who is the only one who knows that my wife cheated on me as well.
Right now, my wife’s recent behavior has been very push and pull. She expresses that she wants out of the marriage, isn’t happy with me, tells me we’re in the “danger zone”… but she won’t pull the trigger on this. She recently suggested we try an open marriage, and then got pissed off at me when I agreed with her that we can try it, hoping it would be a way to reach an amicable end. I’m looking for any way out of this that doesn’t involve hurting her, which I know is impossible. I feel like it’s almost impossible for me to broach the topic without her suggesting something drastic. She still occasionally says she’d kill herself without me. We talked about separation the other week and all she said was, “So should I kick you out now then?” And then she backtracked, saying “that’s not what she meant”. I can’t immediately afford to get my own place just yet, and I do not want to be homeless.
I know what the right thing to do is. I know that I should sit down and talk to her. I know that I should express that I am no longer in love with her and want to end our marriage. But I can’t. I’m scared that she won’t let me see her side of the family anymore; those kids are so important to me. I’m scared that she won’t be mentally well enough to handle this. I’m scared of how she might handle being alone. She has a very rocky relationship with her family and doesn’t have many friends. I’m scared of the financial instability that this will cause both of us. I’m scared of change. I’m scared that we won’t have a friendship anymore and I’ll lose everything I’ve had for over half my life now.
I am barely living day to day. I have sobbing fits and random emotional outbursts. I’m more depressed than I’ve been in my whole life. I have been completely honest with the new love in my life and have been very careful not to make any promises I can’t keep, but I am terrified I am hurting her by delaying being with her. I am terrified to lose her. I am ashamed of the fact that I am having an affair. I am ashamed of the fact that I’m too much of a coward to have the conversation with my wife. I keep idealizing the outcome where everyone ends up happy and everything eventually works itself out, but I don’t know if that’s possible at this point… Some days I feel like this will eventually end, and one of us will muster up the courage to pull the trigger. Other days, I feel like the rest of my life is going to be this miserable Groundhog Day.

I (M52) have been married to my spouse (F50) for a almost a few decades now. We have had a relatively happy marriage with its fair share of ups and downs. We both have a similar sense of humor, and have gone through all sorts of life experiences together. We have a pretty typical middle class life. We have a house together, have had multiple dogs, a couple cars. We weren’t able to have any children due to cancer my wife had when she was younger. We are extremely close to her nieces and nephews though, which I have developed somewhat of a paternal bond with.
Throughout my life, I have suffered from various mental health issues- depression and OCD mainly. My wife also has had her fair share of depression. From the beginning, we have never had the healthiest relationship dynamic. I tried breaking up with her multiple times when we were dating, but ended up being coerced into staying because she would threaten to kill herself if I left. It’s not that I didn’t love her, it’s just that a huge part of me has always felt we would have been better off as friends. In fact, this is something we have recently expressed to one another- that we both probably would have been more successful in life had we not gotten married. She has also always been incredibly insecure, which is something I am often made the target of. Constantly asking me if I find this person attractive, if I’d sleep with this person, etc. And then getting angry at me if I answered earnestly. Since I got a smartphone, she thinks it’s okay to grab my phone out of my hand and do random searches to see if I’m being unfaithful. She refuses to fall asleep unless I’m in bed with her, and she has to be the one to fall asleep first.
To be fair, I don’t think I’ve been the most attentive husband either. I have issues with my attention at times, and can get lost inside of my brain when people are trying to have a conversation with me. Because of my depression, I sometimes become very reclusive and unmotivated. I don’t like going out of the house very much when this happens, and I can become very lazy when it comes to things like housework. She wants me to change my job to day shift so we can spend more time together (I work second shift), but I have been avoiding doing this because I absolutely loathe waking up early (always have) and value the rare alone time I get late at night after she goes to bed.
Everything was fine, not perfect, but fine- until a few years ago where she sits me down to tell me that she’s had an affair with a family friend. She said the affair wasn’t really all that emotional, but was mostly sexual in nature. She said that she had to tell me because she felt guilty, and yet, she didn’t bother to apologize once during that conversation. I should have been more angry. I should have felt incredibly betrayed, considering I spent all of our years together being faithful at the very least. I should have left her. But… I felt more numb than anything. I blamed myself, and I continue to blame myself. Every time I think of it, I get this sinking feeling in my stomach.
And so the marriage has been gradually falling apart since then. We have been in counseling for awhile, which has helped minimally to none. We have barely been intimate, and quite frankly, the attraction really isn’t there for me anymore. For the first time, I am able to admit to myself that I am no longer in love with her. I love her, and I want what’s best for her, but I am no longer in love with my wife. And now we are nothing more than glorified roommates.
About nine months ago on a particularly lonely night, I made a profile on an app for LGBTQ+ people, as I have always had an interest in the community. I was not looking for anything more than a platonic friendship, someone to confide in as I don’t really have many friends. I did not expect to meet a woman on there who would completely transform my life. I have genuinely never met anyone as beautiful as this person, inside and out. She has empathy that knows no bounds. She’s so intelligent and has taught me what it is like to revel in life again. I have seen beauty in things I never have before. She makes me so happy and hopeful; it feels like I’m in love again for the very first time. In fact, it’s nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. I always feel connected to her, and I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s dreadful that I can’t talk to anyone about her. The only person I have told is my sister, who is the only one who knows that my wife cheated on me as well.
Right now, my wife’s recent behavior has been very push and pull. She expresses that she wants out of the marriage, isn’t happy with me, tells me we’re in the “danger zone”… but she won’t pull the trigger on this. She recently suggested we try an open marriage, and then got pissed off at me when I agreed with her that we can try it, hoping it would be a way to reach an amicable end. I’m looking for any way out of this that doesn’t involve hurting her, which I know is impossible. I feel like it’s almost impossible for me to broach the topic without her suggesting something drastic. She still occasionally says she’d kill herself without me. We talked about separation the other week and all she said was, “So should I kick you out now then?” And then she backtracked, saying “that’s not what she meant”. I can’t immediately afford to get my own place just yet, and I do not want to be homeless.
I know what the right thing to do is. I know that I should sit down and talk to her. I know that I should express that I am no longer in love with her and want to end our marriage. But I can’t. I’m scared that she won’t let me see her side of the family anymore; those kids are so important to me. I’m scared that she won’t be mentally well enough to handle this. I’m scared of how she might handle being alone. She has a very rocky relationship with her family and doesn’t have many friends. I’m scared of the financial instability that this will cause both of us. I’m scared of change. I’m scared that we won’t have a friendship anymore and I’ll lose everything I’ve had for over half my life now.
I am barely living day to day. I have sobbing fits and random emotional outbursts. I’m more depressed than I’ve been in my whole life. I have been completely honest with the new love in my life and have been very careful not to make any promises I can’t keep, but I am terrified I am hurting her by delaying being with her. I am terrified to lose her. I am ashamed of the fact that I am having an affair. I am ashamed of the fact that I’m too much of a coward to have the conversation with my wife. I keep idealizing the outcome where everyone ends up happy and everything eventually works itself out, but I don’t know if that’s possible at this point… Some days I feel like this will eventually end, and one of us will muster up the courage to pull the trigger. Other days, I feel like the rest of my life is going to be this miserable Groundhog Day.
TLDR; trying to leave marriage I’ve been in almost half my life. I’m miserable and just want us to move on with our lives but am really afraid for her well-being.

Heads up, long post.
I (M52) have been married to my spouse (F50) for a almost a few decades now. We have had a relatively happy marriage with its fair share of ups and downs. We both have a similar sense of humor, and have gone through all sorts of life experiences together. We have a pretty typical middle class life. We have a house together, have had multiple dogs, a couple cars. We weren’t able to have any children due to cancer my wife had when she was younger. We are extremely close to her nieces and nephews though, which I have developed somewhat of a paternal bond with.
Throughout my life, I have suffered from various mental health issues- depression and OCD mainly. My wife also has had her fair share of depression. From the beginning, we have never had the healthiest relationship dynamic. I tried breaking up with her multiple times when we were dating, but ended up being coerced into staying because she would threaten to kill herself if I left. It’s not that I didn’t love her, it’s just that a huge part of me has always felt we would have been better off as friends. In fact, this is something we have recently expressed to one another- that we both probably would have been more successful in life had we not gotten married. She has also always been incredibly insecure, which is something I am often made the target of. Constantly asking me if I find this person attractive, if I’d sleep with this person, etc. And then getting angry at me if I answered earnestly. Since I got a smartphone, she thinks it’s okay to grab my phone out of my hand and do random searches to see if I’m being unfaithful. She refuses to fall asleep unless I’m in bed with her, and she has to be the one to fall asleep first.
To be fair, I don’t think I’ve been the most attentive husband either. I have issues with my attention at times, and can get lost inside of my brain when people are trying to have a conversation with me. Because of my depression, I sometimes become very reclusive and unmotivated. I don’t like going out of the house very much when this happens, and I can become very lazy when it comes to things like housework. She wants me to change my job to day shift so we can spend more time together (I work second shift), but I have been avoiding doing this because I absolutely loathe waking up early (always have) and value the rare alone time I get late at night after she goes to bed.
Everything was fine, not perfect, but fine- until a few years ago where she sits me down to tell me that she’s had an affair with a family friend. She said the affair wasn’t really all that emotional, but was mostly sexual in nature. She said that she had to tell me because she felt guilty, and yet, she didn’t bother to apologize once during that conversation. I should have been more angry. I should have felt incredibly betrayed, considering I spent all of our years together being faithful at the very least. I should have left her. But… I felt more numb than anything. I blamed myself, and I continue to blame myself. Every time I think of it, I get this sinking feeling in my stomach.
And so the marriage has been gradually falling apart since then. We have been in counseling for awhile, which has helped minimally to none. We have barely been intimate, and quite frankly, the attraction really isn’t there for me anymore. For the first time, I am able to admit to myself that I am no longer in love with her. I love her, and I want what’s best for her, but I am no longer in love with my wife. And now we are nothing more than glorified roommates.
About nine months ago on a particularly lonely night, I made a profile on an app for LGBTQ+ people, as I have always had an interest in the community. I was not looking for anything more than a platonic friendship, someone to confide in as I don’t really have many friends. I did not expect to meet a woman on there who would completely transform my life. I have genuinely never met anyone as beautiful as this person, inside and out. She has empathy that knows no bounds. She’s so intelligent and has taught me what it is like to revel in life again. I have seen beauty in things I never have before. She makes me so happy and hopeful; it feels like I’m in love again for the very first time. In fact, it’s nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. I always feel connected to her, and I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s dreadful that I can’t talk to anyone about her. The only person I have told is my sister, who is the only one who knows that my wife cheated on me as well.
Right now, my wife’s recent behavior has been very push and pull. She expresses that she wants out of the marriage, isn’t happy with me, tells me we’re in the “danger zone”… but she won’t pull the trigger on this. She recently suggested we try an open marriage, and then got pissed off at me when I agreed with her that we can try it, hoping it would be a way to reach an amicable end. I’m looking for any way out of this that doesn’t involve hurting her, which I know is impossible. I feel like it’s almost impossible for me to broach the topic without her suggesting something drastic. She still occasionally says she’d kill herself without me. We talked about separation the other week and all she said was, “So should I kick you out now then?” And then she backtracked, saying “that’s not what she meant”. I can’t immediately afford to get my own place just yet, and I do not want to be homeless.
I know what the right thing to do is. I know that I should sit down and talk to her. I know that I should express that I am no longer in love with her and want to end our marriage. But I can’t. I’m scared that she won’t let me see her side of the family anymore; those kids are so important to me. I’m scared that she won’t be mentally well enough to handle this. I’m scared of how she might handle being alone. She has a very rocky relationship with her family and doesn’t have many friends. I’m scared of the financial instability that this will cause both of us. I’m scared of change. I’m scared that we won’t have a friendship anymore and I’ll lose everything I’ve had for over half my life now.
I am barely living day to day. I have sobbing fits and random emotional outbursts. I’m more depressed than I’ve been in my whole life. I have been completely honest with the new love in my life and have been very careful not to make any promises I can’t keep, but I am terrified I am hurting her by delaying being with her. I am terrified to lose her. I am ashamed of the fact that I am having an affair. I am ashamed of the fact that I’m too much of a coward to have the conversation with my wife. I keep idealizing the outcome where everyone ends up happy and everything eventually works itself out, but I don’t know if that’s possible at this point… Some days I feel like this will eventually end, and one of us will muster up the courage to pull the trigger. Other days, I feel like the rest of my life is going to be this miserable Groundhog Day.

Shore.

PART FIFTY-FOUR
[Previous Part] [Beginning]
I deliberately slowed our pace to give Thalien’s cousin time to scramble upstairs. That was a huge change to how I had conducted myself as emperor. Ten years ago, I would’ve been half a step behind her, watching her shift between a sideways shuffle that would show her subservience to me while attempting to gain what she hoped would be enough distance for a miracle to appear around the next corner. For my part, I would’ve been gathering guards in anticipation of making her pay the ultimate price for having failed to meet my expectations.
When we reached the top of the stairs, three elves in robes met us … and looking past them, I saw a distinct lack of horses and horse paraphernalia. It was an artificial tunnel, fifteen feet high tall by forty across, with smooth stone walls. I wasn’t a stone mason, but having spent time with Polly, I recognised things like an utter lack of tool marks. Again that turtle shell weapon that destroyed things without touching them flashed across my memory.
This was clearly a staging area. One hidden from prying eyes.
Two of the three elves were of an older generation but were obviously blood family to the gatekeeper who stood to one side. At least she had the good sense to look abashed.
“Whatever you think you want to say to me must wait another day. We’re in a hurry,” I decreed as we approached, ready to push through them if necessary.
“Your horses are being readied as we speak,” the older female said, glancing at Thalien before levelling her gaze at me. “But I would like to know who has my people scrambling so hard on such short notice.”
That had me jerking to a halt. Hard. “Your people?” I was beginning to see Polly’s point about the disjointed nature of the empire, and I didn’t like it. “I am the Emperor’s Shadow,” I snarled as I started to move once more, for there was no getting around it. I could threaten her. I could threaten the library again. But at the end of the day, we didn’t need to be watching our backs like that. We had enough enemies. “Which, just to spell it out to you, means they’re not your people scrambling for the horses I required some time ago. They’re mine, and their lapse has put me behind in a schedule that is already uncomfortably tight.” My eyes met hers with the imperiousness I was raised to exude. “And you are still standing in my way.”
“Move,” Tarq said pointedly, already stepping forward to make a path for me if they failed to comply.
The woman looked behind me, most likely at Thalien … and maybe Lanna, before allowing Tarq to ‘guide’ her group to one side. “If it’s troops you require, we can have whatever number you’re thinking here as soon as they are assembled, your majesty,” she said with a bow as I swept past her.
I paused and looked back. Tarq gave the slightest flick of his eyebrow, which was enough for me to know it was worth considering, so I did. The Consitors couldn’t have known about the gateways, or they would’ve already been destroying them to prevent this very thing, which meant the elves in front of me were still imperial elves.
“The empire has enemies that have breached our borders from across the ocean. They’ve been here a long time and dug in deep. How discreet can your troops be? I’m not talking about uniforms. I’m talking numbers in general. If they come here, they must be able to utterly blend into the woodwork before anyone sees them. If so much as twenty elves are spotted in one place where they shouldn’t be, these people are ruthless and would rather poison our land on a scale that would challenge a plague rather than admit defeat.”
Saying that out loud, it suddenly dawned on me who could move around in the mountains of the south in as many numbers as they wanted without fear of discovery … mainly because there wasn’t much they did fear.
The trick would be getting them to trust us. To trust me.
Another ‘later me’ problem.
“Elven warriors can run like the wind and disappear just as quickly when needed,” the woman insisted.
I took a few minutes to explain the duplicitous nature of our enemy, and it was agreed that if elves were brought through, they would bring enough battle and defence mages to remain hidden and avoid the cities. It was a tall order, and their movements would be hampered by their need for discretion.
“The contingents you have north of Ayodyn are to remain where they are,” I added. That wall must be repaired, or we’ll be fighting this battle on two fronts. Whoever you send must come from elsewhere.”
“Five hundred warriors will kill our gatekeeper,” she said while gesturing to her daughter, not to argue but to remind me of that fact.
I huffed out a snarl, for there was our problem in a nutshell. I couldn’t be in two places at once. I turned to our friends. “Thalien, contact Polly and see if I need to be standing right here at the gates for her to access them or if I can be elsewhere and give permission for her to bring them through a scry.”
Thalien nodded and stepped away from the group. He pressed his back to the wall and cast a tight sound blister over himself. The way his eyes refocused, he’d opened up a scry, and Polly was now in front of him. He smiled and raised his hand to prevent anyone from lip-reading, and while I was sure he was talking to Polly, I couldn’t see it from this side: which was the whole point.
“May I ask who is this Polly?” the woman probed.
“No one to concern you with.”
Thalien was back with us in under a minute. “It can be done via scry,” he said without explaining how. I knew that was to keep his aunt and the rest of the elves from learning what we knew, and I was grateful for his prudence.
“Good.” I looked at his aunt, whom I still didn’t know the name of. “When the troops are ready to move at the gate’s staging area, contact Thalien. We’ll take it from there.”
“And how will they find you once they get here?”
“Finding us won’t be necessary,” I answered. “When they arrive, have them work their way to the northeast towards Jinis Ridge. They’re already going to be moving at a snail’s pace to remain inconspicuous, and we should catch up before they arrive.” I immediately saw a problem with my plan and turned to Milo. “How well do you still know Jinis Ridge?”
Milo squinted. “What have you got in mind?”
“We need somewhere not far from those copper mines where they can hole up in numbers but won’t be seen by the enemy in case we get delayed.”
Milo rubbed his jaw, covering his mouth in the process. “Up in Cerro Nexo, there’s a horseshoe formation of mountains about half a day’s march from Morales’ mines. It’s open to the sky, so Polly can keep tabs on them, but far enough away and secluded enough that Morales shouldn’t notice them. It’s about as good as we’re going to get on this short notice,” his eyes came up to meet our host’s. “Provided your people can handle severe cold. Plus, you’ll also need to look out for roving tribes of snow half-orcs. They’re not prolific, certainly not like regular orcs, but they’re twitchy around newcomers and tend to kill first before remembering to ask questions.”
The very people I’d thought of just a few minutes earlier. If only there were a way to get them onside. No one … no one saw a grey and white-skinned half-orc in heavy snow.
“They’ll need to bring food rations in bags of holding, too,” I added, thinking of what awaited them. You’re going into the mountains in winter at the worst possible time, but also the best since only a fool would attempt this, and the enemy won’t be looking for you.”
“I take it fires shouldn’t be attempted?”
I instinctively shook my head. “Not while you’re in transit. You won’t have enough mages to cover that much up. But once you reach the gorge, you can settle in, and lighting fires inside tents will be fine.”
I gave her a look of sympathy, for I knew better than I did a decade ago what I was asking of these soldiers. “Make no mistake; this will be rough for them, pushing them to the limits of their endurance. We were given incredibly warm furs when we first came here nearly two months ago. Your troops are going to need that level of warmth if they’re going to survive weeks of this weather.”
“And you’re positive you don’t need any assistance with whatever is lined up on the coast?”
I shook my head, trusting Polly in that regard and wanting as few people as possible to see what she was truly capable of with my approval. It would give me nightmares, and I was supposedly in control of her. “Do you know this gorge Milo speaks of?”
The older woman turned to her daughter, who nodded. “I do.” Thalien’s cousin then turned to me. “If you don’t mind my asking, your majesty, how time critical is it that you reach the coast?”
“Why?”
“The disk that I used to bring you here yesterday is something I can craft three times a day. I can cover up to thirty miles with that spell if you wish to eat and rest while still staying on the move.”
That was tempting, with one immediate hiccup. “How well would the horses cope with being on your disk?”
She rolled her hands nervously. “I’ve never tried it.”
“They’d slip off,” the older man, who I assumed was her father, said on her behalf. “And even if you got them to lay down, they’d panic without the right training.”
“It’s probably not a good idea to use up all of our magic either,” Thalien added, “If I have to cast an area effect invisibility spell each time, I’ll be severely hampered if we get into a fight.”
I sent a grateful smile to the woman who only a few minutes ago had royally pissed me off. “I appreciate the offer, and now we must leave. Are those horses ready?”
She looked briefly at her parents, who then turned and led us to a door at the other end of the room. Our approach had it sliding upwards similarly to the mountain when Polly showed us her spinning turtle-shell weapon that somehow made the Consitor weapons explode by themselves. The track it followed was U-shaped, though it was upside-down, with the door rolling over the top of the track. It also made no sound, like it wasn’t actually in contact with the door.
As soon as we crossed the threshold, I recognised the space we were in. A stable capable of housing thirty or more horses, though at the moment, only six were rugged up and saddled in readiness.
I felt the shift in the air as the door slid shut behind us. When I turned, it held the back wall’s appearance, complete with ropes and tools I could take down and use.
I wondered how that was possible until I remembered how the thrones kept us secure during transit. Knowing what we were once this capable as a people was mind-blowing! “Impressive, isn’t it?” our guide whispered with pride.
“It certainly never gets old,” I agreed, which caused her face to fall.
“I think you broke her, Uncle Em,” Shay-Lee snickered behind me.
I had bigger things to worry about than her hurt pride. “Six horses?” I queried with a sharp arch of one eyebrow when it was quite clear there were seven of us—eight, including Liab.
“We don’t have any ponies, I’m afraid,” our elven guide answered, making eye contact with Lanna, even though Milo was on the shorter side as a halfling.
I huffed in annoyance. “Thalien, I’m assuming you’ll keep Lanna with you?” At their nod, I looked at Harmony. “And Liab will ride with you.”
Harmony also nodded.
As we familiarised ourselves with the strange horses for a few minutes, I said to our hosts, “Remember, when you want to open the gateway, scry to Thalien. He’ll get me to open it for you without any loss of life.”
“The council is going to want to know how you’re doing that,” the mother said, not as a threat but as a word of caution. At least, that was how I decided to look at it.
“Wanting to know something is one of the few vices the empire has no legal standing over,” I said with a knowing smirk. “Pushing for more is when it gets dicey.”
Dicey. Sheesh. My father would drag himself out of his crypt to beat me senseless if he heard such a common lexicon pass my lips.
That thought amused me, for he’d have done it long before now with the level of gutter-talk that had since crept into my language … courtesy of my sticky-fingered thief.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” the mother said as we mounted and others opened the stable doors, battling against the snow that swirled outside.
Fuck, I hate the cold!
I lifted my hood and pulled up the face sock built into the lining to cover my nose, but as I went to leave, someone shouted at the top of their lungs, “WAIT!”
Another male elf (yet another one I didn’t know) ran around our group to move between mine and Tarq’s horses at the front. “Here,” he said, passing me up what looked like a sleeping mask, only solid bone with slats carved horizontally across the eyes. Like a sleeping mask, it had a slight curve and holes where a pair of leather straps were tied, no doubt to keep it in place.
“What’s this for?” I asked as he made his way down the line, passing one to everyone … and two to Harmony.
“Have you ever travelled in heavy snow, sir?” the young man asked. “These will prevent you from going snow-blind.”
I glanced back at Milo, who nodded in silent agreement. Snow-blindness? I guess I hated the cold more than I thought; if it was possible to spend so long in the snow, it sent you blind.
I flicked my hood back and tied the strange mask in place, noticing through the slits that everyone else was doing likewise. Once it was in place, it was a strange concept, like constantly peeking through a shuttered window, but I would accept Milo’s superior knowledge.
A few minutes later, we headed into snow that easily came up to our horses’ knees, and I already wanted to turn around and head back to the warmth of the elven stables. As stupid as it sounded, I made up a ditty in my head that was tied to an ever-increasing number of Consitors that would die for forcing me to do this.
Without me needing to say anything, Tarq pulled to the left and waited for our party to pass while Milo made his way through the centre to take Tarq’s place at my side (because the guy who knew the course wasn’t the one you wanted protecting your rear).
Keeping our eyes as peeled as possible, we rode silently for several hours, pulling up only when Milo pointed out a workable clearing. Tarq dismounted and went to work snapping off branches he would tie together to create a cover, but Thalien surprised us all by casting a spell that prevented the snow from penetrating a fifteen-foot dome around us.
“Thalien!” I roared, for this was the opposite of what I wanted this far away from our objective, even if my body did inwardly sigh in relief.
“Relax, Emeron. No one’s going to see this. Do you see any manner of tracks anywhere near us? Not even the animals are foolish enough to be out in this,” Thalien shot back. “Besides, we need to be in a clearing for you to contact Polly to bring in the ground troops.”
I’d been so focused on our immediate situation that I forgot we were waiting on a scry contact from the gatekeeper. “Are they ready?” I asked, dropping all hostility.
He nodded. “They were ready about an hour ago, but I felt it more important to keep moving until we were ready to stop, then do a stop-start an hour ago only to stop again now. I told them I’d contact them as soon as we were situated.”
While Milo saw to our horses, I reached into my dual backpack of holding and began pulling out dry firewood and kindling, and within a few minutes, the fire was slowly warming up the dome.
I wanted to make this contact before we removed our winter kits, refusing to reveal the ‘Do-As-I-Say, Not-As-I-Do,’ hypocrisy where magical domes for shelter in this weather were concerned.
Thalien contacted his cousin to let her know the gate was about to be opened, then severed the contact before other subjects could be broached. His next scry revealed the empty hall where we’d practised shooting the light weapons.
My hand went to where mine sat on my right hip, having forgotten it was there now that we were back in our familiar environment. Which I told myself was a good thing. The ancient gun should be my last resort, not my go-to.
“Open whichever gates are necessary to bring the assembled elven forces down to the last gate I travelled through, Acropolis.” I didn’t use her abbreviated name because Acropolis had said her illusion answered to Polly only after I summoned her into existence. Given that this conversation would consist of two sentences, I didn’t see the point.
“Yes, Mr Shadow President, sir,” her voice echoed, and then the scry was severed.
For a few seconds, I wondered what the double identifier was about, but after that, I didn’t give the Consitors, the elves or even Polly a moment’s thought …
… because the second most powerful person in the empire became engrossed in putting together a decent meal for his friends.
* * *
((All comments welcome. Good or bad, I'd love to hear your thoughts 🥰🤗))
For more of my work including WPs: Angel466 or an index of previous WPS here.
FULL INDEX OF WE PLAN, GODS LAUGH TO DATE CAN BE FOUND HERE!!

PART FIFTY-FOUR
[Previous Part] [Beginning]
I deliberately slowed our pace to give Thalien’s cousin time to scramble upstairs. That was a huge change to how I had conducted myself as emperor. Ten years ago, I would’ve been half a step behind her, watching her shift between a sideways shuffle that would show her subservience to me while attempting to gain what she hoped would be enough distance for a miracle to appear around the next corner. For my part, I would’ve been gathering guards in anticipation of making her pay the ultimate price for having failed to meet my expectations.
When we reached the top of the stairs, three elves in robes met us … and looking past them, I saw a distinct lack of horses and horse paraphernalia. It was an artificial tunnel, fifteen feet high tall by forty across, with smooth stone walls. I wasn’t a stone mason, but having spent time with Polly, I recognised things like an utter lack of tool marks. Again that turtle shell weapon that destroyed things without touching them flashed across my memory.
This was clearly a staging area. One hidden from prying eyes.
Two of the three elves were of an older generation but were obviously blood family to the gatekeeper who stood to one side. At least she had the good sense to look abashed.
“Whatever you think you want to say to me must wait another day. We’re in a hurry,” I decreed as we approached, ready to push through them if necessary.
“Your horses are being readied as we speak,” the older female said, glancing at Thalien before levelling her gaze at me. “But I would like to know who has my people scrambling so hard on such short notice.”
That had me jerking to a halt. Hard. “Your people?” I was beginning to see Polly’s point about the disjointed nature of the empire, and I didn’t like it. “I am the Emperor’s Shadow,” I snarled as I started to move once more, for there was no getting around it. I could threaten her. I could threaten the library again. But at the end of the day, we didn’t need to be watching our backs like that. We had enough enemies. “Which, just to spell it out to you, means they’re not your people scrambling for the horses I required some time ago. They’re mine, and their lapse has put me behind in a schedule that is already uncomfortably tight.” My eyes met hers with the imperiousness I was raised to exude. “And you are still standing in my way.”
“Move,” Tarq said pointedly, already stepping forward to make a path for me if they failed to comply.
The woman looked behind me, most likely at Thalien … and maybe Lanna, before allowing Tarq to ‘guide’ her group to one side. “If it’s troops you require, we can have whatever number you’re thinking here as soon as they are assembled, your majesty,” she said with a bow as I swept past her.
I paused and looked back. Tarq gave the slightest flick of his eyebrow, which was enough for me to know it was worth considering, so I did. The Consitors couldn’t have known about the gateways, or they would’ve already been destroying them to prevent this very thing, which meant the elves in front of me were still imperial elves.
“The empire has enemies that have breached our borders from across the ocean. They’ve been here a long time and dug in deep. How discreet can your troops be? I’m not talking about uniforms. I’m talking numbers in general. If they come here, they must be able to utterly blend into the woodwork before anyone sees them. If so much as twenty elves are spotted in one place where they shouldn’t be, these people are ruthless and would rather poison our land on a scale that would challenge a plague rather than admit defeat.”
Saying that out loud, it suddenly dawned on me who could move around in the mountains of the south in as many numbers as they wanted without fear of discovery … mainly because there wasn’t much they did fear.
The trick would be getting them to trust us. To trust me.
Another ‘later me’ problem.
“Elven warriors can run like the wind and disappear just as quickly when needed,” the woman insisted.
I took a few minutes to explain the duplicitous nature of our enemy, and it was agreed that if elves were brought through, they would bring enough battle and defence mages to remain hidden and avoid the cities. It was a tall order, and their movements would be hampered by their need for discretion.
“The contingents you have north of Ayodyn are to remain where they are,” I added. That wall must be repaired, or we’ll be fighting this battle on two fronts. Whoever you send must come from elsewhere.”
“Five hundred warriors will kill our gatekeeper,” she said while gesturing to her daughter, not to argue but to remind me of that fact.
I huffed out a snarl, for there was our problem in a nutshell. I couldn’t be in two places at once. I turned to our friends. “Thalien, contact Polly and see if I need to be standing right here at the gates for her to access them or if I can be elsewhere and give permission for her to bring them through a scry.”
Thalien nodded and stepped away from the group. He pressed his back to the wall and cast a tight sound blister over himself. The way his eyes refocused, he’d opened up a scry, and Polly was now in front of him. He smiled and raised his hand to prevent anyone from lip-reading, and while I was sure he was talking to Polly, I couldn’t see it from this side: which was the whole point.
“May I ask who is this Polly?” the woman probed.
“No one to concern you with.”
Thalien was back with us in under a minute. “It can be done via scry,” he said without explaining how. I knew that was to keep his aunt and the rest of the elves from learning what we knew, and I was grateful for his prudence.
“Good.” I looked at his aunt, whom I still didn’t know the name of. “When the troops are ready to move at the gate’s staging area, contact Thalien. We’ll take it from there.”
“And how will they find you once they get here?”
“Finding us won’t be necessary,” I answered. “When they arrive, have them work their way to the northeast towards Jinis Ridge. They’re already going to be moving at a snail’s pace to remain inconspicuous, and we should catch up before they arrive.” I immediately saw a problem with my plan and turned to Milo. “How well do you still know Jinis Ridge?”
Milo squinted. “What have you got in mind?”
“We need somewhere not far from those copper mines where they can hole up in numbers but won’t be seen by the enemy in case we get delayed.”
Milo rubbed his jaw, covering his mouth in the process. “Up in Cerro Nexo, there’s a horseshoe formation of mountains about half a day’s march from Morales’ mines. It’s open to the sky, so Polly can keep tabs on them, but far enough away and secluded enough that Morales shouldn’t notice them. It’s about as good as we’re going to get on this short notice,” his eyes came up to meet our host’s. “Provided your people can handle severe cold. Plus, you’ll also need to look out for roving tribes of snow half-orcs. They’re not prolific, certainly not like regular orcs, but they’re twitchy around newcomers and tend to kill first before remembering to ask questions.”
The very people I’d thought of just a few minutes earlier. If only there were a way to get them onside. No one … no one saw a grey and white-skinned half-orc in heavy snow.
“They’ll need to bring food rations in bags of holding, too,” I added, thinking of what awaited them. You’re going into the mountains in winter at the worst possible time, but also the best since only a fool would attempt this, and the enemy won’t be looking for you.”
“I take it fires shouldn’t be attempted?”
I instinctively shook my head. “Not while you’re in transit. You won’t have enough mages to cover that much up. But once you reach the gorge, you can settle in, and lighting fires inside tents will be fine.”
I gave her a look of sympathy, for I knew better than I did a decade ago what I was asking of these soldiers. “Make no mistake; this will be rough for them, pushing them to the limits of their endurance. We were given incredibly warm furs when we first came here nearly two months ago. Your troops are going to need that level of warmth if they’re going to survive weeks of this weather.”
“And you’re positive you don’t need any assistance with whatever is lined up on the coast?”
I shook my head, trusting Polly in that regard and wanting as few people as possible to see what she was truly capable of with my approval. It would give me nightmares, and I was supposedly in control of her. “Do you know this gorge Milo speaks of?”
The older woman turned to her daughter, who nodded. “I do.” Thalien’s cousin then turned to me. “If you don’t mind my asking, your majesty, how time critical is it that you reach the coast?”
“Why?”
“The disk that I used to bring you here yesterday is something I can craft three times a day. I can cover up to thirty miles with that spell if you wish to eat and rest while still staying on the move.”
That was tempting, with one immediate hiccup. “How well would the horses cope with being on your disk?”
She rolled her hands nervously. “I’ve never tried it.”
“They’d slip off,” the older man, who I assumed was her father, said on her behalf. “And even if you got them to lay down, they’d panic without the right training.”
“It’s probably not a good idea to use up all of our magic either,” Thalien added, “If I have to cast an area effect invisibility spell each time, I’ll be severely hampered if we get into a fight.”
I sent a grateful smile to the woman who only a few minutes ago had royally pissed me off. “I appreciate the offer, and now we must leave. Are those horses ready?”
She looked briefly at her parents, who then turned and led us to a door at the other end of the room. Our approach had it sliding upwards similarly to the mountain when Polly showed us her spinning turtle-shell weapon that somehow made the Consitor weapons explode by themselves. The track it followed was U-shaped, though it was upside-down, with the door rolling over the top of the track. It also made no sound, like it wasn’t actually in contact with the door.
As soon as we crossed the threshold, I recognised the space we were in. A stable capable of housing thirty or more horses, though at the moment, only six were rugged up and saddled in readiness.
I felt the shift in the air as the door slid shut behind us. When I turned, it held the back wall’s appearance, complete with ropes and tools I could take down and use.
I wondered how that was possible until I remembered how the thrones kept us secure during transit. Knowing what we were once this capable as a people was mind-blowing! “Impressive, isn’t it?” our guide whispered with pride.
“It certainly never gets old,” I agreed, which caused her face to fall.
“I think you broke her, Uncle Em,” Shay-Lee snickered behind me.
I had bigger things to worry about than her hurt pride. “Six horses?” I queried with a sharp arch of one eyebrow when it was quite clear there were seven of us—eight, including Liab.
“We don’t have any ponies, I’m afraid,” our elven guide answered, making eye contact with Lanna, even though Milo was on the shorter side as a halfling.
I huffed in annoyance. “Thalien, I’m assuming you’ll keep Lanna with you?” At their nod, I looked at Harmony. “And Liab will ride with you.”
Harmony also nodded.
As we familiarised ourselves with the strange horses for a few minutes, I said to our hosts, “Remember, when you want to open the gateway, scry to Thalien. He’ll get me to open it for you without any loss of life.”
“The council is going to want to know how you’re doing that,” the mother said, not as a threat but as a word of caution. At least, that was how I decided to look at it.
“Wanting to know something is one of the few vices the empire has no legal standing over,” I said with a knowing smirk. “Pushing for more is when it gets dicey.”
Dicey. Sheesh. My father would drag himself out of his crypt to beat me senseless if he heard such a common lexicon pass my lips.
That thought amused me, for he’d have done it long before now with the level of gutter-talk that had since crept into my language … courtesy of my sticky-fingered thief.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” the mother said as we mounted and others opened the stable doors, battling against the snow that swirled outside.
Fuck, I hate the cold!
I lifted my hood and pulled up the face sock built into the lining to cover my nose, but as I went to leave, someone shouted at the top of their lungs, “WAIT!”
Another male elf (yet another one I didn’t know) ran around our group to move between mine and Tarq’s horses at the front. “Here,” he said, passing me up what looked like a sleeping mask, only solid bone with slats carved horizontally across the eyes. Like a sleeping mask, it had a slight curve and holes where a pair of leather straps were tied, no doubt to keep it in place.
“What’s this for?” I asked as he made his way down the line, passing one to everyone … and two to Harmony.
“Have you ever travelled in heavy snow, sir?” the young man asked. “These will prevent you from going snow-blind.”
I glanced back at Milo, who nodded in silent agreement. Snow-blindness? I guess I hated the cold more than I thought; if it was possible to spend so long in the snow, it sent you blind.
I flicked my hood back and tied the strange mask in place, noticing through the slits that everyone else was doing likewise. Once it was in place, it was a strange concept, like constantly peeking through a shuttered window, but I would accept Milo’s superior knowledge.
A few minutes later, we headed into snow that easily came up to our horses’ knees, and I already wanted to turn around and head back to the warmth of the elven stables. As stupid as it sounded, I made up a ditty in my head that was tied to an ever-increasing number of Consitors that would die for forcing me to do this.
Without me needing to say anything, Tarq pulled to the left and waited for our party to pass while Milo made his way through the centre to take Tarq’s place at my side (because the guy who knew the course wasn’t the one you wanted protecting your rear).
Keeping our eyes as peeled as possible, we rode silently for several hours, pulling up only when Milo pointed out a workable clearing. Tarq dismounted and went to work snapping off branches he would tie together to create a cover, but Thalien surprised us all by casting a spell that prevented the snow from penetrating a fifteen-foot dome around us.
“Thalien!” I roared, for this was the opposite of what I wanted this far away from our objective, even if my body did inwardly sigh in relief.
“Relax, Emeron. No one’s going to see this. Do you see any manner of tracks anywhere near us? Not even the animals are foolish enough to be out in this,” Thalien shot back. “Besides, we need to be in a clearing for you to contact Polly to bring in the ground troops.”
I’d been so focused on our immediate situation that I forgot we were waiting on a scry contact from the gatekeeper. “Are they ready?” I asked, dropping all hostility.
He nodded. “They were ready about an hour ago, but I felt it more important to keep moving until we were ready to stop, then do a stop-start an hour ago only to stop again now. I told them I’d contact them as soon as we were situated.”
While Milo saw to our horses, I reached into my dual backpack of holding and began pulling out dry firewood and kindling, and within a few minutes, the fire was slowly warming up the dome.
I wanted to make this contact before we removed our winter kits, refusing to reveal the ‘Do-As-I-Say, Not-As-I-Do,’ hypocrisy where magical domes for shelter in this weather were concerned.
Thalien contacted his cousin to let her know the gate was about to be opened, then severed the contact before other subjects could be broached. His next scry revealed the empty hall where we’d practised shooting the light weapons.
My hand went to where mine sat on my right hip, having forgotten it was there now that we were back in our familiar environment. Which I told myself was a good thing. The ancient gun should be my last resort, not my go-to.
“Open whichever gates are necessary to bring the assembled elven forces down to the last gate I travelled through, Acropolis.” I didn’t use her abbreviated name because Acropolis had said her illusion answered to Polly only after I summoned her into existence. Given that this conversation would consist of two sentences, I didn’t see the point.
“Yes, Mr Shadow President, sir,” her voice echoed, and then the scry was severed.
For a few seconds, I wondered what the double identifier was about, but after that, I didn’t give the Consitors, the elves or even Polly a moment’s thought …
… because the second most powerful person in the empire became engrossed in putting together a decent meal for his friends.
* * *
((All comments welcome. Good or bad, I'd love to hear your thoughts 🥰🤗))
For more of my work including WPs: Angel466 or an index of previous WPS here.
FULL INDEX OF WE PLAN, GODS LAUGH TO DATE CAN BE FOUND HERE!!

sorry this is quite long, apologies in advance.
I (31F) got married December last year to my husband (32M). We met in April of last year and everything happened pretty quickly. I am American Pakistani and he is Pakistani American and there was a lot of pressure from our families to get married quickly. Even that being said, at the time, I was 1000% sure I wanted to be married to him, he was wonderful. He really went out of his way to do nice things for me, constantly doted on me and gave me a lot of affection.. However, we do have a LOT of cultural differences etc especially lifestyle and its been a struggle to adapt. He does not smoke or drink, is pretty conservative and doesn't have a social life at all. I smoke weed and drink, am extremely extroverted, and have an overall optimistic world view. I've had a couple relationships in the past, and I value my freedom...all of which I stressed and emphasized before we got married so that there would be absolutely no secrets between us. I also specifically disclosed some very private information -- one, about a sexual assault that had happened to me and another that a childhood friend had committed suicide and I had a memorial tattoo of a sailboat of him on my ribcage. I wanted to make sure that we were starting a relationship on honest terms.
When we met, I was extremely happy, living alone in California, had a great job and a wonderful life. He lived alone in NJ and essentially, I gave up my whole life for him, moving across the country, getting a new job etc., moving from a huge house into a tiny apartment, etc. Since we have been married, things have just progressively been going more and more downhill and I can't understand if I'm in an abusive relationship or if I've just spent too much time reading stuff on the internet..
We fight often about the same things that I had already clearly expressed about myself like my lifestyle, personality, etc. I have an avid social life and I have a friendly personality. He is introverted and has no friends. The only people in his life are his mom and sister. He constantly picks fights with me about smoking and drinking even though I don't smoke around him at all and I only drink a glass or two of wine on date nights. He personifies me to be someone who is constantly partying and doing drugs when in fact, I actually work a prestigious 9-5 office job and have several graduate degrees. I dont go out to clubs or engage in risky or promiscuous behavior. He seems to be okay with the drinking ONLY when I'm with him and he's still counting drinks but if I have a cocktail with a friend, he loses it. Most of our fights have ended with me crying hysterically and, curled in a fetal position begging him to stop. He weaponizes all the private information I have shared with him and uses it to cut me like knives. For instance, he constantly remarks on my tattoo and how uncomfortable it makes him. However when we were dating and had sex, it wasnt really a problem. Since I got married, I have no social life and spend pretty much every single second of every day with him.
He works as a generam contractor but currently he isnt getting any jobs as a general contractor... quite frankly, he fumbles opportunities. My dad gave him a project to reno a house for flipping (because he wasnt getting work at all and my dad does real estate on the side) and he still hasnt finished the job. he promised it would have been done in 2 weeks with 15 k... my dads now shelled out 58k and its been over 5 months. I got him another couple of small jobs with close friends which he also did not complete - he simply took the payment and did half the job and then abandoned it. whenever i bring any of this up to him, he gets upset and says I'm nagging him.
So three days ago, he randomly started complaining about my friends for no reason. he constantly says hes trying to protect me from them but they havent really done anything bad to me except didnt show up at my birthday which i understand because were all very busy adults with very demanding lives. we started arguing about it and the in order to deflect on the issue, he escalated the fight to other topics and all of a sudden started implying that i was a whore, that i had so many relationships before him and started screaming about my tattoo and my friend who passed. he started hurling insults and false accusations at me and I started screaming back, the conversation ended very badly. somewhere in the midst of it, he told me that someone had messaged him on ig that i had done sexual acts for money, which is 10000% untrue and has no basis whatsoever. I've never cheated on him or given him a reason to think I've been unfaithful. once everything calmed down, I realized it was my rapist who had messaged him.
the argument had gotten so bad that I actually picked up my stuff and left. I went to go stay with a friend and he didn't even attempt to contact me. the next day, I stopped by the apartment with my friend when he wasn't home. while we were leaving, he pulled in and immediately started yelling and intimidating me and my friend. he started screaming curses at us and was trying to get in the car where my friend was and was yelling that this is all her fault.he was banging on the windshield and yelling contemptuous vindictive remarks. i got in his face and started yelling at him to stop and he pulled back and called me a drunk bitch. i left with her, he called me 100x and yelled at me about how could i do this to him. I left him for her and I picked her. I got 100 calls from his mom too telling me that this is all my fault. he also continued to text my friend over and over and saying that she's the root of all of our problems, he hates her and 'we' want her out of 'our life'..
after everything that happened, I stopped by the apartment a day later to just neutralize and let him know that I'm staying with my dad. he refused to neutralize saying i need to take responsibility and that would not be willing to compromise. i left and he has not returned a single text or picked up a call since. . now im sitting here at my dad's and for some messed up reason, I feel like it was my fault? I feel disoriented, my self esteem and worth are essentially gone, ive been crying so much i look like my eyes are swollen shut and I genuinely feel completely lost. I told him I want a divorce in the heat of the moment but im not sure that I actually do. I feel devastated and have no real idea of who I am anymore bc I never ever thought I'd ever let a man treat me like this.
I think is this abuse but I have such sick imposter syndrome idek if this is my fault or if this is worth salvaging? I'm in love with him and feel so so so so heartbroken and the only thing that's gonna fix it is him but I just... keep subjecting myself to stuff like this and it feels like I can't win. I don't know what to do, although there are cultural implications of a divorce, it's not the reason for my hesitancy. I genuinely love him with my whole heart and want badly for things to be different.
tldr; I've been having a series of escalating arguments with my husband and even though I feel like im being treated unfairly, I dont have what it takes to divorce him because I'm not sure if im overreacting or enabling?

My friend told me a while back that sometimes he'll do something, anything really but leaving out the laundry, tasks that do not require any kind of approval or direction, mostly that he'll go about a decesion and not consult God first. I guess pray over it maybe it's an upcoming conversation with someone or just needing general direction, anything really. Wait to hear from God and I guess if he doesn't hear from God then maybe he'll just make up his mind on his own. Or maybe he feels that he always heard back from God. Important stuff.
What's that like? Never really got the chance to ask him. Like how do you hear back does something appear out of scriptures in a strange way or do you hear a voice, what's the way that you knew that you heard back from God. A feeling? He's the same guy that told me that God wouldn't let his motorcycle start. The result of that was him and his wife not getting into the accident at the intersection up the road from thier house. God protected them, got into the mechanics of the bike, in so many words. But that means that someone else had to take thier place in the wreck. And maybe that person just got done praying to God about if they should make this drive today (something important between point A and B) then somehow God answered but and said yes make the drive but the result of that was getting into the accident.
Maybe it was just a fender bender. Just a few dents on each car. Maybe the third person had also prayed before leaving the house, the other individual involved in the accident, maybe they were at the end of thier rope and lonely and just couldn't do this anymore, life. So then the accident occurs both people involved in the wreck get out of thier cars assuming the worst, but then the two guys really hit it off and eventually go out on a date then they get married, soulmates. So then they say it was meant to be the actual accident was not an accident, it was God working in mysterious ways.
So maybe then the two gay guys share thier testimony, how God brought them together. But one of the people listening to thier testimony just so happened to be stuck on the road after the accident happened. Traffic was backed up and they couldn't get to the place that they prayed to God about and they were pretty sure that God said no just drop this don't go talk to this person forgive and forget, something. But they made the drive anyways. So they see that being stuck in traffic was God stepping in. Was meant to happen, God's providence thing. But that person doesn't believe that God approves of gay marriages. So maybe...
I guess you could just toss all this stuff out the window and try and not make sense of any of it. Let people believe what they want to believe and not suggest that God had nothing to do with any of this. Which is probably the correct thing to do, keep your opinions to yourself. But I cannot help but kinda look at stuff like this as just some series of events that took place. Knowing when you heard from God, well I don't know what that's like. Besides reading scriptures.
I almost got side swiped a couple minutes ago. Everything written above was from an hour ago at home. I'm on my way to work trying to decide if I should speak up to my coworkers and supervisors, getting tired of....well people feeling entitled and not wanting to really help out. Lazy, talk and look at thier phones while I spend the entire day in motion. Maybe I should ask God, since my friend who avoided the accident asks God about decisions...well maybe....had to basically slam on my brakes because the car in front of pretty much came to a sudden stop and for who knows why. Out of the corner of my eye I see fast approaching headlights in my passenger side view mirror then this giant truck skirts past me, mere inches from getting side swiped or worse. Did God just do that? Saved me from a wreck. But what if someone else got into a wreck after I pulled around the stalled car and drove away?
Who knows. What a coincidence, talking about car crashes then I almost got into one and that never really happens to me, nearly get ran into. But my question remains today, should I stop being accommodating and let these girls at work know that I'm not gonna come in here and bust my butt every day just to watch the four of you chat and check Instagram. Sitting in the parking lot right now. Almost just want to drive away and take the day off and let someone else do my work. Maybe not come in tomorrow. Maybe if I didn't have a cat I'd just pack up my car drive to Florida and see my friends who's motorcycle was not allowed to start because God got in the mechanics. Take my chances go find some alligators and frogs and turtles. Go to the ocean take what my savings and just go.
Sounds nice. Just leaving. Kinda politely go off on my coworkers. I'd ask God but I'm thinking I may not hear back. And if I do, I'd just have to convince myself that I did.