Extreme gourmet parrot food

Not sure what I'm looking for here, but I guess I'm using this post to organize my thoughts and to maybe make a decision.
I am an only child and had an amazing life. My partner is one of 6- he disliked his siblings most of the time and moved to the other side of the country at 17. They only see each other maybe once a year when we come visit his parents, and never ever talk besides that.
My partner is an equal parent- he's a shift worker and when he's off (4 days off 4 days on) he takes over the household and baby duties 100%, and I rest and can do stuff for me and relax. We're also very lucky since my mom lives with us and although she's not super hands on, we can go do date nights or leave just the two of us for a few hours pretty much with a ten minute warning. We are also financially stable enough to afford a few kiddos.
Here's the thing- I had a pretty traumatic pregnancy. I have phobia of needles so of course I got GD and was put on insulin almost immediately. I have history of diabetes in my family so my risk of Type 2 after pregnancy went to 75%. I didn't get it, but I now have a horrible relationship with food because of it.
That wasn't the worst of it- after our anatomy scan the GP called and said LO has been diagnosed (which is impossible without testing btw) with Trisomy 18 and we need to quote "deal with it" and termination was the only way. After me being suicidal for a week, and pretty much preparing a baby funeral and letting friends and family know, we finally got a specialist appointment and turns out no one was diagnosed with anything and LO just had a 0.1% chance of having it because I'm over 30. I did report the GP.
So due to all this I was diagnosed with trauma, and also PPD that later transitioned into a more manageable PPA thank goodness. LO is now 18M, and I recognize that I'm full out depressed. I have all the support, I'm in therapy, LO is such a happy perfect smiley baby, but besides spending time with LO and organizing playdates and obsessively cleaning the house, I don't even have the energy to take care of myself, or have hobbies, or go out or shower or eat unless I'm forced to. My partner literally bring me a plate and hovers until I eat something. He encouraged me to leave the house and go hang out with friends. It gets better some days worse others. LO is in daycare, I work from home, so clearly I'm not overwhelmed with child care.
So here's the thing. I've always imagined having two. My partner really wants two. We bought a house to fit two. But I see my friends who have multiples and I get overwhelmed. I don't want to "tough it out" for 10 years "because it gets better" and "it's worth it". I want to live my life and work on my depression and get better, and enjoy what I have. I'm also terrified of being pregnant because not only is it pretty much a guarantee that I will have GD, but this time I will be on insulin and with an extremely restrictive diet for 9 months instead of 3 (they test at conception if you had it before), but also the risk of me getting diabetes type 2 for the rest of my life after goes to a super high probability (80+%).
But also I don't know if our family feels complete. All the outgrown baby things are lovingly washed and folded in the garage. I haven't been able to get rid of a single item so far "just in case". We talk about being a family of 4 a lot and even have a list of names on the go that we add to. All our friends have 2+. I just joined this group yesterday, and saw a quote somewhere that said something like healthy happy mama is better than a sibling, and it just made me cry.
Again not sure what I'm looking for here, it's the first time I've organized my thoughts in this way and it makes me so sad but at the same time there's almost a weight that's been lifted, because I never considered being one and done before.
Thank you for reading. I have a therapy session tomorrow, so I will discuss all the things. And my partner is coming back from a boys trip tomorrow (his very first one since I got pregnant), so I will talk to him about it. I think all of this got triggered with him being away, and myself completely spiraling without him here.
TL;DR- had a traumatic pregnancy, recognizing that I'm depressed and have PPA, second pregnancy may lead to life of diabetes, not sure if I want #2 because society or I actually want #2.

I (17F) grew up with my father always touching/patting my bottom. I am 17 now, obviously a minor with more development to go, but my father continues to slap/look at/touch my bottom.
I have gained a bit of weight recently and so, of course, I am heavier along with my assets. The other night, I was walking into my kitchen to make myself some food. My father grabbed my bottom and told me "it just keeps getting bigger and bigger." He said this with a hefty laugh and in a "joking" manner; nevertheless, I felt extremely uncomfy.
I also noticed that my parents allow my sister (8F) to walk around in her underwear all day. There have been multiple instances where I have seen my father grab her bottom too and tell her, in a "joking" manner, that she has a "sexy body." He has made similar remarks to me as well. He does it in front of my mother and she does nothing about it.
I want to make it clear that my father does not say this in an overtly lewd way. I do not see my father as a predator (of course I am biased) and I only saw this behavior as normal because my dad has done it to me for as long as I can remember. Once I started telling people about these kinds of things, it was brought to my attention that this is not normal whatsoever and is really icky and weird.
My parents also allow me to bathe/shower with my sister and my autistic brother (10M). Again I never saw this as weird because it was so normalized in my household. After telling people, I found out how abnormal it was and honestly now I feel gross and guilty (of course I no longer do it). They also allow my brother to walk around in underwear all day. My father and mother do it too (very rarely) but enough times to the point that I can recall the memory.
I am thinking about telling my school counselor. I feel comfortable telling her because I was previously kicked out of my house and spoke to her when it happened, so she already knows who I am and what my familial situation is like. However, I do not want this in the hands of CPS and I do not want my parents in trouble because I do not feel like they have any ill will or are trying to be weird. I also do not want me and my siblings to be in foster care.
So, WIBTA for bringing these things to the attention of my counselor, or is this something harmless that I am overthinking?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Sylvia_Likens
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Due to the increase in the frequency and brutality of the torture and mistreatment Likens was subjected to, she gradually became incontinent. She was denied any access to the bathroom, being forced to wet herself. As a form of punishment for her incontinence, on October 6, Gertrude threw Likens into the basement and tied her up. Here, Likens was often kept naked, rarely fed, and frequently deprived of water. Occasionally, she was tied to the railing of the basement stairs with her feet barely touching the ground.
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In the weeks prior to locking Likens in the family basement, Gertrude had increasingly abused and tormented Likens. She would occasionally falsely claim to the children in her household that either she, herself, or one of them had been receiving direct insults from Likens in the hope this would provoke them into belittling or attacking her. On one occasion, Gertrude held a knife aloft and challenged Likens to "fight me back", to which Likens replied she did not know how to fight. In response, Gertrude inflicted a light scour wound to Likens' leg.
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Physical and mental torment such as this would occasionally pause when the Baniszewskis watched their favorite television shows. Neighborhood children were also occasionally charged five cents apiece to see the "display" of Likens' body and to humiliate, beat, scald, burn, and—ultimately—mutilate her. Throughout Likens' captivity in the basement, Gertrude frequently, with the assistance of her children and neighborhood children, restrained and gagged Likens before placing her in a bathtub filled with scalding water and proceeding to rub salt into her wounds.
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On one occasion, Gertrude and her twelve-year-old son, John Jr., rubbed urine and feces from Gertrude's one-year-old son's diaper into Likens' mouth before giving her a cup half-filled with water and stating the water was all she would receive for the remainder of the day.
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On October 22, John Baniszewski Jr. tormented Likens by offering to allow her to eat a bowl of soup with her fingers and then quickly taking away the bowl when Likens—by this stage suffering from extreme malnourishment—attempted to eat the food. Gertrude Baniszewski eventually allowed Likens to sleep upstairs, on the condition that she learned not to wet herself. That night, Sylvia whispered to Jenny to secretly give her a glass of water before falling asleep.
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The following morning, Gertrude discovered that Likens had urinated on herself. As a punishment, Likens was forced to insert an empty glass Coca-Cola bottle into her vagina in the presence of the Baniszewski children before Gertrude ordered her into the basement.
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"Gertrude called [Sylvia] upstairs to the kitchen. Somehow, the conversation got around to tattooing. Gertrude asked Sylvia whether she knew what a tattoo was ... she said: 'You branded my children so now I'm going to brand you.
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--Richard Hobbs, testifying as to Gertrude Baniszewski's decision to carve an insult into Likens' abdomen on October 23, 1965.
​
Shortly thereafter, Gertrude shouted for Likens to return to the kitchen, then ordered her to strip naked before proclaiming to her: "You have branded my daughters; now I am going to brand you." She began carving the words "I'M A PROSTITUTE AND PROUD OF IT" onto Likens' abdomen with a heated needle.

Memory transcription subject: Michael Smith, Human extermination officer
Date [standardized human time]: Oktober 29, 2136
We entered the darkness and shadows fell over us. Ortsa quickly informed us that the temperature in the shadows was another five degrees colder than it had already been, and that the remaining light would soon be below the level visible to human eyes and shortly after even the Yotul wouldn’t be able to see anymore. This was something I actually had not thought about, but now I needed to ask:
“Hey Ortsa, how exactly are you supposed to drive if you can’t see? And how can we study anything if our only light is starlight? Does this truck not have lights?“
Ortsa laughed.
“Oh dear, of course it does. But we can’t use those, because they would disturb the local fauna. We also have night vision goggles, but later on there will be so little light they will hardly work. Instead, we have THIS!“
Ortsa grinned dramatically, stopped the truck and pressed a button. The bulletproof windows made a weird sound and suddenly the outside was clearly visible, although completely black and blue.
“Wait, what? How does this work?“
Some of the scientists and the other two extermination officers looked around at the windows, trying to understand, while Doctor David Schneider grinned proudly and Ortsa - equally proud - elaborated:
“You remember those flashlight looking thingies on top of the truck you saw when entering?“
Now that she mentioned it, I did remember them. They were extendable, in all directions pointable… things, that kinda reminded me of flashlights, just like Ortsa said, but really big and at the end of multi jointed metal rods, so they could reach more places. I had assumed they were energy weapons of some sort, but okay. The other passengers nodded and observed the conversation with great curiosity.
“Yeah. What do they do?“
“They can produce visible light too, but right now they are producing a single, very specific wavelength of ultra violet light, that most lifeforms we know are not sensitive to. Thus it shouldn’t disturb the local ecosystem. And the ‘glass‘ you are looking through is actually laced with a thin material that absorps this specific wavelength and then reemits them at a different wavelength, a specific shade of blue that is within our visible spectrum. Thus we get a black and blue image of the outside world. Doctor Schneider came up with it and I build it.“
Doctor Schneider churned in:
“This is not the only measure we took. Ortsa also made the engine almost perfectly silent and we are rolling on sound dampening tires and with multiple vibration softeners, so our Truck makes almost no sound and causes very little disturbance.“
“And“ ,the Venlil fauna expert Lim added “all our fumes are made almost completely odorless. On top of all that we will a keep the truck at least five hundred feet away from the river at all times, so we don’t disturb the nature. This way we can illuminate and observe anything, but most creatures should not even notice our Truck. We hope so, at least.”
Mirva, who still struggled with the situation but did her best not to look scared, asked:
“Wait, if we are five hundred feet away, how do we take samples?“
Doctor Schneider looked at her with empathy in his eyes.
“I am sorry, Mirva. But I am afraid we will have to leave the vehicle for that.”
Mirva shot up from her seat, her eyes wide open and filled with terror.
“No, not out THERE! I won’t go there! Go without me!“
She fell back a couple steps, as trying to get further away from the door. Fuck, I needed to calm her.
“Hey, Mirva, it is okay”, I calmly and carefully said , making sure to speak as quiet and soft as I could without beeing impossible to understand.
She looked at me with fear, but she did listen. Probably because this wasn’t the first time I calmed her down.
“Focus on me, on my words, okay Mirva? Now calmly breathe in and breathe out. Everything is okay. You are in an armored truck surrounded by friends and bodyguards and no one will hurt you, yeah? Not as long as I am here, okay?“
Mirva was still freaking out, but she was breathing more calmly now and, following my gestures, leaned in for a hug. I was really happy that the exterminator suit covered my face, otherwise this would not have worked. I hugged her and held her and just waited for her to collect herself. While waiting I was looking around through the windows to try and find anything near the river that would help distract her. I was very happy to see a flower - Mirva loved flowers. And she loved talking about them.
“Hey Mirva? Do you see that flower there? What is that? Would you mind explaining it to us?“
Mirva left my hug, looked around and immediately her face glew up.
“Oh my god, that is a night daisy! Their cousins grow near the dark side of Venlil Prime and are a rare delicacy because they need centuries to grow to a ripe age. It had been theorized that some of them would grow even here, but to actually see one, that’s amazing!“
Doctor Jonson, the human expert on xeno flora, if I recalled correctly, also stared at the flower like it was the best thing ever.
“I read about these. They contain insane amounts of fructose in their roots as storage for not just bad years, but bad decades. And despite their small size their body is almost entirely wooden, except for the big leaves that allow it to collect the tiniest amounts of light and are shockingly cold resistant. This is one of the most extremophile plants in the galaxy!“
My boss Vartek and I shot each other am amused glance. The flower girls freaking out about some random plant was just way too cute.
“Say, would it be a good idea to take some samples, Mirva? You know, for science?“
And Mirva, the same Venlil who had just freaked out at the very idea of going outside suddenly grabbed a syringe, and made her way to the door.
“Of course, that is a great idea, Mike. Come on Doctor Jonson, we have to go!”
Ortsa heard their intention and - pressing yet another button - opened the door. Doctor Jones quickly put on a coat and grabbed night vision goggles for her and Mirva, who had already run out. Luckily her fur meant she didn’t need a coat. And the temperature wasn’t quite freezing yet, so that was a plus. Farlent and I immediately put on goggles as well and followed the two, flamethrowers at the ready. If anything tried to eat our friends, it was about to have one hell of a time.
But for now everything was calm and quite. The river ran quietly, some fish swam in it, but no predators and no monsters lurked for us. The Truck looked as absurd from the outside as from the inside, like some cyborg dragon beetle transformer or something… it was pretty hard to describe. But now that I knew some of it’s functions I appreciated it a whole lot more.
It was our all in one food storage, fortress, home, vehicle, computer, communications array, data storage and light source… and once I was back I was gonna call it Bob. It was the ONLY appropriate name, I chuckled to myself.
Meanwhile, Mirva and Doctor Jonson started taking small samples from the plants. Lim had also walked out to take images of the fishes and keep track of their behavior, but didn’t seem to discover anything surprising.
Farlent was busy triple checking our surroundings for threats, luckily she found nothing.
I noticed Jonson shivering as she talked to Mirva and once again I was happy to wear my suit. It’s thermal isolation wasn’t perfect, but it worked better than any human made clothing ever could. I would have to make sure the human scientists dressed properly next time, their safety was my responsibility after all.
Under my watchful eye Lim returned to the truck to discuss his findings and the further strategy with the other scientists, while I walked back to Doctor Jonson and Mirva who - thank god - looked a lot happier than before, as she marveled at the flower and went over the dozens of tiny differences to it’s better known cousins in the inhabited areas. Jonson was busy typing dozens of datapoints into her notepad.
“Hey, Mirva? I got a question.“
Yeah, Mike? What do you want to know?“
„How exactly does a plant… you know… grow without sunlight? I mean, don’t they need that?“
Jonson and Mirva exchanged a quick look, before Mirva explained:
“Okay, first of all this is not really a plant, it is closer to a Terran tree than anything else. And secondly, if you want to look at its leaves in the Truck later you will notice that they are very big, folded in a way that maximizes their surface and of a very dark green, mostly due to a high level of chlorophyll. They are masters at collecting even the tiniest amount of the light that still reaches them here and they use every last bit of it. Their longevity is actually a big part of that strategy - they use most of their energy to merely stay alive and only have very little spare to grow, so instead they just grow extremely slowly. And the beautiful thing is that they can live this long, not in spite but BECAUSE of the lack of sunlight. You see, the lack of sunlight means a very low level of cosmic radiation, so their cells don’t get destroyed over time that much. Combine that with drastically less competition and almost no animals trying to eat them and you get the perfect conditions for a long life. Thus they can live for centuries. This also gives them the opportunity to grow a body out of wood, unlike grasses and flowers that need to grow much faster and don’t have the time for that.“
Mirva waved her tail around excitedly like little children sometimes did, and Doctor Jonson finished her explanation.
“All of this makes them one of the only plants that grow here and thus they are the perfect basis of the food chain. Understanding them is vital to understanding this ecosystem. And their excistence in the twilight zone means that the ecosystem there must have been at least somewhat similar to the ecosystem on the dark side, which is promising.”
I smiled, happy that we were making progress this quickly, even though I was pretty certain they had drastically simplified their points so I could understand them. But hey, at le-
“Predator nearby! Retreat to the Truck!“
Farlent’s shout made me jump up and I quickly opened the safety of my flamethrower. Mirva suddenly looked like she was about to freak out again and Jonson didn’t look much better, but she was focused enough to grab Mirva by the arm and run with her back to the truck, while I checked the direction Farlent was pointing towards .
And indeed, I saw not one, but two pairs of glowing eyes - frontfacing eyes- staring at me from right below the waters surface. I did however not see a body belonging to those eyes, which was weird. But I wasn’t stupid enough to hang around and find out how deadly those things were the hard way.
Checking all directions and keeping my flamethrower pointed at the eyes the entire way, I slowly retreated to the truck, waited for Farlent to jump in and then gave Ortsa the sign to slam the door shut. She did - and now we waited for the predators next move.

I know Reddit can be super strange about age differences, but I would still really like to get this off my chest, since I'm not really one to discuss feelings and private parts about my relationship with the people around me. I'm 32, BF is 67 and we have been together for almost two years now. Just to be clear, I'm not some kind of a "grown up kid" who needs someone to take of me in any way.
I have been on my own since I was 18, I graduated college (I have a BA in Political Science and will be doing a post-graduate diploma in journalism starting next fall), I traveled abroad to study at a language school when I was 16, 17 and 18 consecutively, I went as an exchange student to a strange country when I was doing my BA and lived there all by myself for a whole year, far away from everyone I know, I have had management position jobs (including working for the government) and I worked my ass off through college, as I had no financial support from my parents or anyone else. I have had boyfriends before, they were all also older than me. IDK why, to be honest. I just never liked guys my age, not even when I was a kid. I seriously never had a crush on a schoolmate, I only had crushes on my teachers and my friends' fathers. It's not that I have "daddy issues" (my sisters have boyfriends their own age and one of them even dated a guy for years who was much younger than her), my father was always around, when my parents got a divorce I got an even better stepfather and I had two wonderful grandfathers growing up as well as a bunch of uncles. So, no lack of father figures or anything.
My BF's backstory is that he met his late wife, B, when he was 17 years old. They went to high school together, he saw her in the hallway chatting to her friends and he immediately knew that he wanted to get to know her. She was just such a cool girl, you know? Extremely beautiful, smart, funny, outgoing and had the self confidence of a 35 year old woman, even though she was only 15 (my best friend's mom actually went to HS with them and she remembers B still to this day, even though she hasn't seen her since HS, my friend's mom said "It's impossible not to remember B, she was so beautiful and fun and cool"). My BF was extremely shy and never even had the courage to say hi to her. One night, he came home drunk from a party at 3 AM and thought "I'm going to call B. If she gets mad I will just apologize next Monday at school and tell her I was wasted". He called, she picked up the phone and was immediately VERY interesting in talking to him. They talked and talked and over the next few weeks, he always called her when he came home after partying with his friends. It's adorable that they loved talking on the phone with each other, but were too shy to say hi to each other at school the following Monday. That's when my BF realized B liked him back, because she was never shy with anyone. Eventually, they met up at a party and became a couple and spent the next 35 years together. They had an amazing marriage, the kinda marriage everyone dreams of, had three wonderful children and lived together in a wonderful bliss. Of course they had their ups and downs, like everyone else, but they always just hugged each other tighter and solved their problems. Until one day, 14 years ago, when B called my BF (whom I will from now on be referring to as S) at work, crying and begging him to come home because there was a problem.
S immediately rushed come and B broke down in his arms and said "I think I'm dying". S was completely baffled and assured B that everything was fine, she was probably just feeling like this because she was, at the time, dealing with a back injury and was taking very strong painkillers, as she was waiting to undergo surgery to fix the injury. She said "No, I didn't take the pills today and everything in my body feels wrong somehow. I can't explain it, but I think I'm dying." S called their doctor and brought B to their local hospital to have an MRI scan. The day after, doctors told them B had three types of stage four cancer, which had spread around her entire body. To her liver, lungs, blood and scull. Nothing could be done, except to ease her suffering with morphine. After her diagnosis, S somehow managed to crawl over the rail on her hospital bed and lied there with her for hours and they just cried and sobbed, whilst holding each other. She died two weeks later and 6 days after her death, their first grandchild was born. After her death, S was completely rootless and never had a serious relationship, even though he dated many women. He told me that he truly believed that his ability to fall in love had died with B, since he never truly liked the women he dated, even though most of them were perfectly lovely and nice, so he figured he was the problem, not every single one of them, you know?
Fast forward to 12 years later. Where we lived, COVID was slowly dying down and people were going out more. I was on Tinder and wasn't looking for anything serious, just someone to have some fun with, since going out was finally allowed. We matched and he messaged me and was very sincere. He told me that he was a widower, his wife had passed 12 years ago and that he just wasn't really interested in having a long term relationship but was looking for someone to do fun stuff with. He also explained that the reason he was seeking someone younger than him was that most women his age are widows and divorcees and are mostly looking for a new husband, something he had no interest in, and almost all women he met who were older than 35 had kids to look after, so it was impossible to arrange for fun stuff to do without many weeks of notice and often, they had to cancel the plans to take care of their kids and stuff like that. That sounded reasonable to me, since many men his age, who actively seek younger women, do so because they're creeps. We ended up connecting on Messenger and decided to talk on the phone the day after. It's kinda funny that, just like when he called B all these years ago, he had to get a little bit drunk before he had the courage to call me. We ended up talking on the phone for three hours. The day after, he called me again and we talked for another three hours.
Two days later, we "finally" (it felt like forever lol) met up and we honestly fell in love at first sight. We ended up going to his house and since we had had a lot of drinks at the bar where we met up, I told him (as nicely as possible) "I don't think your thingy is going to work tonight, but that's fine with me". We still went to bed together and we kissed for hours, until we fell asleep in each other's arms. It was that kind of night where I wish I could back and do it all again, not to change anything, just to feel a couple of things twice. We have been together ever since. Just over a month after our first date, I made arrangements to get out of my lease and moved in with him. We have been together day and night since then, always glued to each other. I just love him so much and I think he loves me even more than I love him. I love falling asleep next to him, I love waking up next to him, I love making us dinners (he doesn't know anything about cooking, but me and B are master home chefs), I love eating with him, I love running errands with him, I love watching TV with him, I love sitting next to him while I'm reading... I just love everything about him and our life together. He makes me happy in ways I didn't think was possible before I met him. I had boyfriends before, but I never felt for them the way I feel for S. Even my friends told me "I have never seen you like that before". Last week, I got really sick, I had a high fever and was shivering cold and my entire body ached, but as I snuggled with S in our bed, I kinda forgot that I was sick. When he left the bed to go to the bathroom, I started feeling sick again. Super strange.
Even though it's been almost two years, we still stay up way too late talking and we're always kissing an hugging, just like we did when our relationship was brand new. I also love B, about as much as you can love someone you've never met. She and I have eerily many things in common, such as passion for cooking, we dressed similarly and have the same outgoing personality. We are even the same height and were the same size shoes, I actually fit in her old clothes and shoes like they were custom made for me (I don't wear her clothes though, as that would be weird and inappropriate, I just tried them on one night when S said that I'm the exact same height as B, the only thing of hers that I use is her old gym bag). B's favorite food was lobster, so I always cook lobster on her birthday. S doesn't like visiting her grave, as he finds it too hard, so I sometimes go there and put flowers there.
We were worried that our families wouldn't like our relationship because of the age differences (I am younger than all of his children), but we needn't to worry. My family adores him, especially my sister and my grandparents and his family loves me. One if his kids even asked if he could host his daughter's confirmation party at our house next month and if I would help him with the catering. Even S's grandchildren really love me and one if his sons has become a very good friend of mine. Everyone says "It's obvious that you two belong together." We're always doing nice things for each other and we just make each other happy. I haven't felt bored since I met him, even though I have been a stay-at-home girlfriend for about 18 months now (why I don't currently work is a long story and this post is already far too long lol). Everything is better when he is involved. We're planning on getting engaged soon, we even bought the ring already and I sometimes wear it around the house, but only when it's just the two of us around - I'm actually wearing it right now and will be removing it before my sister and niece come over for dinner later.
Anyway, that's all I had to say. To those who bothered to read this whole thing, thanks.

This is me talking very first time. I am the person who keeps everything to myself and then stress & harm my body (like stress eating). Sorry for long post.
I started my weight loss journey this January. I'm on medication for thyroid which made me gain nearly 20 kgs in 4 years. last year I was gaining 4kg per month after joining gym and healthy diet all because of medication. Anyhow I managed to follow diet and turn my bmi from extremely obese to overweight.
Recently, I visited my friend. we planned on going out after long time. My friend and her husband started commenting about my weight and made rude comments on me even after knowing my medical situation, forcefully asking me to make diet including things like celery etc. (I can't stand smell of celery. I literally puked after consuming it.) we had long discussion about all this. we were together for 5-6 hours and they didn't stop for single food break, while both were having chips and made me starve for those hours because I'm fat.
Immediately after dropping me back, my friend is posting pictures of lunch with ice-cream, pizzas, etc. It made me feel really bad.
Another friend, she is in very good shape and weight. immediately after looking at me she started complaining about herself that she's looking fat and need to change dresses. and in restaurant ate more than half of my food along with hers so I do not over eat.

I (17F) grew up with my father always touching/patting my bottom. I am 17 now, obviously a minor with more development to go, but my father continues to slap/look at/touch my bottom.
I have gained a bit of weight recently and so, of course, I am heavier along with my assets. The other night, I was walking into my kitchen to make myself some food. My father grabbed my bottom and told me "it just keeps getting bigger and bigger." He said this with a hefty laugh and in a "joking" manner; nevertheless, I felt extremely uncomfy.
I also noticed that my parents allow my sister (8F) to walk around in her underwear all day. There have been multiple instances where I have seen my father grab her bottom too and tell her, in a "joking" manner, that she has a "sexy body." He has made similar remarks to me as well. He does it in front of my mother and she does nothing about it.
I want to make it clear that my father does not say this in a pervy way. I do not see my father as a predator (of course I am biased) and I only saw this behavior as normal because my dad has done it to me for as long as I can remember. Once I started telling people about these kinds of things, it was brought to my attention that this is not normal whatsoever and is really icky and weird.
My parents also allow me to bathe/shower with my sister and my autistic brother (10M). Again I never saw this as weird because it was so normalized in my household. After telling people, I found out how abnormal it was and honestly now I feel gross and guilty (of course I no longer do it). They also allow my brother to walk around in underwear all day. My father and mother do it too (very rarely) but enough times to the point that I can recall the memory.
I am thinking about telling my school counselor. I feel comfortable telling her because I was previously kicked out of my house and spoke to her when it happened, so she already knows who I am and what my familial situation is like. However, I do not want this in the hands of CPS and I do not want my parents in trouble because I do not feel like they have any ill will or are trying to be weird. I also do not want me and my siblings to be in foster care.
So, should I these things to the attention of my counselor, or is this something harmless that I am overthinking?

Hi all! It's been a while. Truthfully, I do have an appointment with my dietician regarding this soon, but I always like doing research on it... and I am thoroughly confused because there are so many different sources.
So, I've gotten a food scale, and I'm accurately tracking my calories as I'm losing a couple pounds every week. My starting weight was about 323lb, I'm 5'4'' 25 year old female, and my current weight is 301lbs. If you look at my previous posts you'll see I'm about the same — this was due to an unfortunate medication issue with my birth control that caused me to gain 13 pounds of extremely stubborn weight — long story, but it's sorted now, so that where I'm at.
My confusion lies in what exactly my calorie deficit should be. I work a sedentary office job, and while I'm slowly but surely integrating exercise into my my life, I know I'm not nearly active enough. Some CD calculators tell me I should be landing around 1900 calories while others are saying as high as 2485 calories.
Now i've been doing a lot of work with a therapist/dietician for my ED, specifically my binge eating disorder, and I've been doing really well for the most part. However, hard for me to reach even 1600 calories a day — and i'm not overly restricting, I just... eat when i'm hungry and have started listening to my body instead of eating to cope. I'm sure my ADHD meds are helping knock my appetite, but it doesn't kill my appetite for the whole day anymore. Lunch is lunch, dinner is dinner, and then maybe a small snack in between if i get hungry. I usually eat breakfast before I take the meds.
However, I just want to make sure I'm not ... doing anything wrong. I don't want to impede my progress by not doing the right calorie deficit, you know what I mean?
I'm so sorry for the long post, I just wanted to provide as much context as I could!

Recently had to do a whole new application because when I tried to report changes it wouldn't let me edit in the GA online account. I struggled to try to report changes before finally 5 days later starting up a new application. My spouse lost his job over a month ago, has been actively seeking work but in this small town there are little to no good paying jobs. NOBODY will leave the jobs with good hours or good pay here. Spouse has done interviews and received very little callbacks though he follows up with each sometimes 2-3 follow up calls. They take their time and also let you know X amount of people are interviewing for the same job you are. The only plus side is he is now recently in college and happy to be learning and working for a degree. I work part time and don't hardly make enough for a family of 6 I never get a full 40hours or even close to it. We used to get just medical for the kids which was fine by me, while denied of food stamps back when he was working.
Anyhow, It took 2 weeks but they sent a letter for the phone interview. I did the phone interview and even though I uploaded all my documents before the interview the caseworker told me since I got paid 3 days before the phone interview with a new paystub, I had to upload a new set of paystubs.
Since I had gotten paid too I told her I had several hundred in the checking account when she asked, I had told her that because it was true and I hadn't spent it on my bills just yet. (We play the which bills will be payed and which will have to sit there until we get to them to make it by). I don't know if that's a factor but I mentioned it to a few people it's what I said and they told me if I have money in my account they consider it as money for food and it could mean lower snap benefit amount or I just have money in general and I may get denied.
That same day a decision was made to approve the kids for medical, but my Food stamps section says "pending".
I see the notices section click on it and it says waiting for income verification for my job. I uploaded my information twice and verified it was successfully uploaded and submitted its been over a week and by the end of next week will be my case closed if no one gets to it.
I told her I would do everything that same day which I did because I was afraid of something like this happening. Before you say call them, I called last time and I got my caseworker in trouble because her mailbox was full and it says to call the number if the mailbox is full and if you haven't heard from your caseworker in 42 to 78 business hours. Well when that happened, I called the number as instructed because I did not hear back from my caseworker. I got the caseworkers supervisor phone number which I believe got her in trouble even though it did sort of expedite the decision on my application. My original caseworker was switched to new one and I only heard from the supervisor caseworker twice last time. I really don't want to do that again to somebody because I would felt extremely bad for it. Note: I do not ever complain, argue or demand any customer service worker. I work in retail and know all too well what customers can do to your sanity and how little it can take for someone to lose it on an individual.
So I'm asking is there a type of worker shortage or is it part of the process? How long did it take anybody who has dealt with this process in georgia?
Since the phone interview it's been over 8 business days. I don't understand why medical got approved right away and the decision for food is still pending and looks like my case hasn't been updated or even looked at with all my uploaded docs. My notices get sent to me now via email contact, I check my account everyday after work and nothing.
Also are caseworkers paid good? Do you need a special degree or diploma for working there? Thanks in advance.

My son is about to be 14 months old, and has suddenly begun refusing to get into the bath. He has just started walking, and was teething with back molars last month. Aside from that, our routine is consistent.
He seems to be entering more of a toddler mentality - suddenly refusing certain foods, throwing more “tantrums” whenever he doesn’t get something he wants, etc. I have no problem gently redirecting and/or comforting him during this transition, but I am getting concerned with the bath aversion.
Simply walking into the bathroom when is tub is drawn will cause him to cry; and he will stand in the tub with his arms around my neck screaming as I sponge bathe him. We have tried attempting to transition to the regular tub to no avail.
I am subscribed to attachment parenting, for reference. I also do not have any help. If anyone has experienced something similar and has advice, I would be extremely appreciative. It has been weeks since I have been able to submerge my son’s body in water, though I make an attempt every other day and just end up sponge bathing.

Alternate title would be "girl who's a fake US citizen worries about Ivy Day" LMAO
Demographics

• Gender: Female
• Race/Ethnicity: East Asian
• Residence: Taiwan
• Income Bracket: 100k+, but parents now retired, no income
• Type of School: Private
• Hooks (Recruited Athlete, URM, First-Gen, Geographic, Legacy, etc.): A parent has legacy at an Ivy that I didn't apply to, and a college I was accepted in

Intended Major(s): Humanity (pre-law/history/English) + Music
Academics

• GPA (UW/W): Weighed 4.45 on a 4.833 scale (no idea how it works tbh)
• Rank (or percentile): n/A
• # of Honors/AP/IB/Dual Enrollment/etc.: All honors/AP/IB courses throughout high school, currently full IBDP
• Senior Year Course Load: IBDP: HL History, HL Music, HL English, HL A Mandarin, SL Bio, SL Math AA, TOK, Choir

Standardized Testing
List the highest scores earned and all scores that were reported.

• SAT I: 1450 (didn't submit)
• AP: AP World (5), AP Euro (5), AP Music Theory (5)
• IB Predicted: 42/45, History (7), Music (7), English (7), Mandarin (6), Bio (6), Math (7)

Extracurriculars/Activities
List all extracurricular involvements, including leadership roles, time commitments, major achievements, etc.

1. Held two solo piano recitals (one in sophomore year, one in senior year). They weren't charity concerts or like 300+ attendance or anything, but the stage experienced helped a lot.
2. Four-year member (rare) of highest ranked choir
3. Piano - placed 2nd in two national competitions
4. Four-year piano and voice delegate (rare) representing the school in international conventions
5. Piano - numerous chamber performances in school throughout 4 years. Pieces include -
   1. Brahms Piano Quintet mvt 1
   2. Khachachurian Sabre Dance 4 hand
   3. Korngold Suite for 2 Violins, Cello, and Piano Left-Hand
   4. many many more I don't remember all of them
6. Accompanied numerous instrumental delegates at international conventions (violins, saxophones, etc)
7. Student of a locally famous pianist who is alumn of some schools I'm applying to
8. Four-year Model United Nations delegate to school's highest-ranked international conference
9. Consistently chaired/held leadership positions in model united nations over four years
10. Music Honors Society
11. 1-month internship at hospitality company

Awards/Honors
List all awards and honors submitted on your application.

1. National Merit Scholar
2. Piano Competition awards
3. MUN awards
4. selected as closing ceremony piano soloist at international conventions

Letters of Recommendation
(Briefly describe relationships with your recommenders and estimated rating.)

1. History teacher - IBHL History teacher, extremely smart person, estimating a 9/10 cuz he's awesome and I believe he values the contributions I make in class
2. Math teacher - IBSL Math teacher, known for three years, estimating 7/10 since she is a very kind teacher who sees the positives in my personality. Math is not my favorite subject, however
3. Choir director - estimating a 9/10, can testify to my musical journey and leadership contributions over four years

Interviews
Yale - amazing, amazing interview. Lasted about an hour in a Starbucks with a brilliant lady who was also an alumn of my high school. I got to talk about my interests and learned a lot from her stories and experiences.
Princeton - good interview, lasted about 30 minutes over zoom. More structural and formal compared to the Yale interview, but also learned a lot from the dialogue with the interviewer.
Essays
Personal Statement: talked about learning how to prioritize myself during high school years, using humorous language so that it wouldn't be too depressing
Supplements: not terrible, but I did submit this to yale:
"What is something about you that is not included anywhere else in your application?
I own three parrots - two monk parakeets and a budgie. They answer to no one and bite as they please. Being the brats that they are, my birds train my patience and tolerance skills."
Decisions (indicate ED/EA/REA/SCEA/RD)
Acceptances:

• Wellesley College
• Oberlin College (John Franklin Scholarship award, 33k/year)
• University of Toronto, St. George (International Merit Scholarship, 50k CAD total, Bachelor of Arts)
• University of British Columbia, Vancouver (Bachelor of Arts)

Waitlists:

• None (let's keep it that way)

Rejections:

• None (let's keep it that way)

Waiting on:

• Yale (deferred from ERA)
• Princeton
• Cornell

Additional info:

• applied as US citizen BCS i have dual citizenship and so I can access FAFSA

thanks for anyone who is patient enough to read this lol
First off, I am INCREDIBLY respectful to my male family members bc I just can't disrespect people also I fear Allah a lot.
introduction to them lol My brother is an atheist (former Muslim), also a munafiq, kinda Islamaphobic too. He is respectful and extremely kind to us. But my love for him eventually dies. Alhamdulillah recently I am unable to love people who doesn't love Allah, even finished my relationship with my literally best friend of 6 years bc she once insulted Allah (swt) Astaghfirullah.
Dad is Muslim (not practicing), pretends that he did hajj LMAO around his new "friends" (LOL?). "Sometimes" prays, usually fasts in Ramadan (mom taught him all of these). He was alcoholic, is sober for 20 years now Alhamdulillah and MashaAllah😊. Mom is an amazing wife and mom. But back then dad would hit her, try to cause her miscarriage, had been a zani before/after the marriage, cheated on her (a lot), isn't regret (justifies cheating and zina of men), divorced her multiple times for no reason. But they got back together in 2017 he got a lot better since then Alhamdulillah, also he has never ever hit me or my sister, been extemely kind to us, barely even raises his voice (apologizes after). Alhamdulillah since I grow up religious and not loving my dad I'm nothing like him, just took his sense of humor which helps me a lot with my life lol.
their financial issues
Bro and dad do very little money which isn't enough for even a simple living .They are lazy and irresponsible (this is the problem, not lacking of money)
They have been EXTREMELY rich once and they spent maybe just 10% of it on us and confessed us the amount of money they had (insane amount) only when it ended LMAO. we were shocked lol
Mom works Alhamdulillah, sis does too or else we couldn't survive. I do not but I'm doing masters so my university pays me cos my grades are really high, I get 100$ monthly. We (females) give most of our money to males. I don't even feel like complaining over this specific thing because I give it full heartedly and 30$ is rly enough for me monthly Alhamdulillah I'm not a demanding person haha Idc
Allah is my witness I never dream to be rich or even marry a rich man, I even avoid them. Being a girl I'm not even into shopping, I do not buy any makeup products, cos I use just a simple lipstick nothing more, I order one piece of clothes once in 3-4 months, knit the rest. Even with foods my taste is limited I don't cost them almost any money. Never in my life have I asked for money from my bro and dad, they did not offer either LOL. And I'm ok with it but when they dont want us(I'm23, sis25) to even get married I'm kinda shocked even tho I really don't want to marry soon either, I don't need someone to come and "save me" lol I want to be content with my own life first. also guys here are Shia so I don't want them
being captured (LMAO) issues haha
So we are not hijabis, but practicing Muslims, especially I am. I wear modestly(?) want to wear hijab too, been always religious and praying since I was 9yo hijab is the thing makes me feel bad about myself. may Allah make me strong enough to wear it. I wish I had male family members that would guide me towards goodness, I don't want to be a dominant girl anymore, am really tired of it. I want to act as my feminine nature demands but guys around me suck.
My male family members do not let us go outside, literally anywere alone. I haven't seen 90% of my friends after quarantine. They will drive us to uni etc, dont even let us to go to the store and get some bread even they aren't home, we just had to sit and wait whilst the store is literally under our apartment building, they want to get respected outside by being dominant inside home. I do really feel like I'm a capture. I don't talk to guys unnecessarily, dont flirt or anything, I don't even feel like it. but I hate being treated like this. They are sick, for real. I want to walk in the morning hours, sometimes go to library to study, I feel like I cant breath at home with these silly males. If I'm living with my husband and if we are good I swear I would be okay with it, I just can't stand these hypocrites who don't even fear Allah.
I really want to try wearing hijab which is something I wish I could try at least for 1 month in Ramadan then maybe I'd love it a lot that I couldn't take off. But now if I mention this, it will lead to lots of problems at home, nobody will appreciate it even sis and mom. bc mom thinks no one will approach me if I wear the hijab and I'll end up not marrying for years (it actually is the case in my country, "through dad" does not even exist here and people do not approach hijabis, only Wahhabis does(😭😭) or just arranged marriages happen for hijabis). This isn't my first concern I can put my trust in Allah. But God forbid if my dad arranges my marriage, he is the most manipulative person out there who thinks virgin guys are a big no (for me the opposite)
I feel like crying bc I do wanna wear the hijab in Ramadan which doesn't seem like possible. I don't have hijabi clothes, even a proper hijab to wear outside (I have just a scarf which I cover my head with in my prayers lol). I want to order some hijabi clothes but my student card expired lol and I argued with my bro, now he would never buy me a hijab, is even against/hates it. I got zero hijabi friend to borrow something. I know if I somehow manage to order the hijab bro will not take my order, dad is abroad and I cant take my order either cos I easily get lost outside LMAO prolly he won't even let me go and the order can't be delivered sooner than 1 week. (yay it is holiday and I'm home for 1 week so not going outside without the hijab for 1 weeks😊) but I do feel like crying. I don't even know why but I don't feel like going outside without my hijab on during Ramadan as if I haven't done it for 23 years. Something inside me kinda screams and I don't want to shut it up anymore.
I went through lots of emotional pains recently and got no power to argue with anyone especially with family members, I feel like crying when it happens. every day there is an argument at home. I feel helpless. Pls first of all pray for me and that give me some advice what can I do.

I work at a small food service business in which the two owners are pretty involved. They both have very short tempers, and have been known to yell at other employees (including calling one employee a r*tard within earshot of customers). We have an extremely high turnover rate because of how employees are treated.
I can’t think of any specific examples of abuse towards me at this moment, but they do cause me a great deal of anxiety and I’m sure if I wracked my brain I could come up with some instances.
We just got a new manager who’s very inexperienced and basically got no training from anyone. As a result, a number of things have been going wrong and I keep being blamed as the employee who’s been here the longest. One of the owners is dropping off some supplies today, and I’m sure when he gets here I’ll get quite the talking-to.
Depending on how that goes, I just may quit on the spot. If I do quit, I fear I’ll be in a bit of an employment-limbo, as I have a job lined up to start sometime in May, but in the meantime it would probably be hard to find a place to hire me for just a couple months.
If I can provide proof (what would that entail?? Would secretly taking a voice recording of our conversation be legal? Maybe testimony of past employees?), could I get monetary compensation for lost wages for those few months? As well as some compensation for counselling to deal with all the workplace anxiety I have?

Xan is the world's most dangerous criminal mastermind. He’s also in hiding and completely broke. That’s fine. He’s between master plans. It’s normal to be at rock bottom between master plans. He also forgets stuff and may be trapped in a dream.
Because at night, Xan thinks he’s an old lady, trapped in a dingy apartment, by an angry fellow who wants to kill her. Not her idea of a good time, but she’s keeping an open mind. It is excitingly visceral. Could turn out awesome.
Safe is a sci-fi, progression, comedy. Guaranteed to cause more mental problems than it solves.
Each chapter will follow our hero through an awesome, weird, and highly probable future. All the tech in the book is possible now - we just need someone crazy enough to try it.
Safe is posted on Royal Road. Check out the first chapters:
Future 1 - Body Sculpting Drugs & Kleptocracy
Future 2 - Dreaming With Strangers
Future 3 - Insect Doctors & Societal Minimalism
Future 4 - Self Crashing Cars & Automatic Friendly Fire
Future 5 - Super Vision Eye Drops & The Lonely Dead
Future 6 - Kamikaze Drones & Petty Crime
Future 7 - Phone Stalking & Gene Swapping
Future 8 - Personality As Parasite & Relentless Warmongers
Future 9 - Flying Holograms & The Human Distress Database
Future 10 - Cheerful Nihilism & Inescapable Mind Reading Surveillance
Future 11 - Sniper Bots & Blackmarket Personality Profiles
Future 12 - System Destruction & Celebrity Sex
Future 13 - Taser Drones and Self Replicating Robots
Future 14 - Rented Necessities & Automated Attacks
Future 15 - Tenacious Griefers & Odd Walkers
Future 16 - Nuclear Weaponry & Healthy Boundaries
Future 17 - Reason & Revelry
Also, below is a sample of Chapter 16.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dark City - Luxury Chimpanzee Compound
“So, you’re a super intelligent monkey?”
“I wouldn’t say super.” Socrates shrugs. “I get by.”
I woke to safety. Can’t remember the last time that happened. Are there psychos wailing at the compound's perimeter? Maybe. I can’t hear them.
It’s breakfast time, and I’m enjoying some with Socrates and Slim (who’s real name is Henry). Fried goo with bacon crunch. Traditional. Henry fusses over the food and worries that Socrates isn’t eating enough. Socrates doles out pills and bitches that Henry’s been missing doses. They’re adorable.
There’s a rifle on the table. Henry shuffled out with it this morning. I was excited until I got a look at it. It’s an antique. No, that’s not right. Antiques are valuable. It’s a piece of shit.
“What happened to this gun?” I open the lever and peer down the barrel. “Where’s the rifling?”
“Kinda wore off. Been shot a few times.” Henry shrugged. “It was my Uncle Neil’s gun. He worked at the slaughterhouse.”
“Does it rattle when you shoot it?”
“Well, the bullet comes out pretty much sideways, but it’ll still poke a hole in a guy. If you’re not too picky about who it is.”
“Why have you kept this?”
“Sometimes I miss Uncle Neil.” He pulls out a knapsack stuffed with tarnished ammo. “Load’er up.”
So, we got armed and started breakfast. I apologized to Socrates and he was cool. Said questions were normal. So now I’m asking more. Really curious about this talking monkey.
“So you had a chimp mom and a human dad?”
“Ack.” Both men are horrified. “Jesus lady, we’re trying to eat here.”
“Sorry, I thought this was a cross breeding situation.”
“Why?”
I point at the kitchen wall and its angry indoor graffiti - THE BREEDING PROGRAM HAS BEEN CANCELED!!!
Socrates frowns. “It doesn’t say cross breeding.”
“Sorry. The graffiti is powerfully emotive but kinda vague. Raises more questions than it answers.”
Henry scowls. “Fuck’s sake, Soca. Tell her how to make smart monkeys before these fucking questions ruin breakfast.”
-----------------------------------------------------------
That's probably enough. Check out the rest at - Future 17 - Reason & Revelry

There are so many posts here from people agonizing over unbearable symptoms which should only be really strong for the first 6 or so months. You can make your recovery 10x worse by drinking alcohol, laying around all day, eating junk food, and staying up late at night. I have relapsed and been through this from day 0 multiple times. It goes soo much easier if you just stay healthy and active. It's hard, but just suffer through the first few months and by month 6-12, you will be so grateful you did it all natural. The most important things in my opinion are avoiding any mind altering substances whatsoever, including pharmacy medication, eating a healthy diet, staying physically active and mentally stimulated, and going to bed at the same time every night. Notice that these are healthy habits for everyone, not just people with PAWS. Your body is extremely sensitive during PAWS. If unhealthy habits can cause people without PAWS to experience insomnia, anxiety, depression, just imagine how much they're affecting you!

this WILL be a long read, so hang tight
i feel like i don't know who i am. I've been looking into autism for a while, but I feel like I can't be sure I have it. i can't be sure of most things about myself. (edit though: writing it ALL out did help quite a lot)
here's what I think i fit with autism:
-i am an EXTREMELY picky eater. so much so i go days on end without a meal and live off my safe, unchanging, right-there snacks mostly. if there's something i don't like, even just a bit, i rather starve than eat it - which leads to social eating stuff being extremely hard, as i usually just sit at the table with no food. my grandma has told me that's rude and I don't know what to do about it. there are 4 meals that I'm actually willing to eat, and two are such specific brands that I can only count on having it at home. recently one of the brands has changed their texture and i just don't eat it anymore, so now I'm back down to 3. this has been prevalent all my life. i know a lot of it is a texture issue, because I can feel it very clearly and whenever I don't like a texture I tend to "overreact". i also don't like eating with people, but I don't know if it's related. it may be because people tend to react strongly to my pickiness.
-i am picky about especially clothes. i will not wear anything directly around or even too close to my neck because it feels like im suffocating. for a long time i turned my socks inside out or didnt wear them because i HATED the seams until I found a kind I could stand normally. i don't wear jewelry much; if i do, it has to not be touching my skin, especially if it's metallic. a lot of the rest of it may be attributed to gender dysphoria
-i hate loud noises, especially if sudden. I'm very jumpy and easy to startle; quite a few people use that to mess with me. loud noises feel like a hammer to my brain and if they're drawn out i freak out, at least mentally. i can't do stuff like operate a normal vacuum without music blasting in my ears, but also if i blast music or even if i dont i often get nauseous and a headache - happens a lot in general, especially with earbuds
-if i like something, i want that thing over and over and I don't mind already knowing what's happening - i like it, actually! especially simpler childish stuff. when i watch new stuff its almost always with (online) friends so i can ask questions about what's going on because I usually can't follow unless it's super simple or animated; plus im often not very engaged with it or distracted. i love a certain game, deltarune - it's been my thing for 5 years. I've had moments where i get obsessed with something else, but it all comes back to deltarune. its only a demo and i could play it over and over again if not for anything but to memorize it. i installed a mod to it a while ago just to see what it was like, but now I can't get it out so I can't play it in fear of remembering the game differently. there's a certain character i love so so much and he's been basically my guy!! im so bad at talking about those kinds of things though. i can't ramble about it like other people do unless there's a specific prompt in my brain, otherwise it's all jumbled and kinda equals fuzzy screaming that i just like it so much. sometimes i say things about stuff i like that are completely obvious, i just haven't had it spelled out for me yet and it was so difficult to get to that conclusion somehow. i also listen to a lot of the same music, and when i find something new that clicks i will usually just listen to that for a few days. but at the same time I've thought i had adhd i don't know
okay, now I'm gonna go into more behavior things. i try to be as nice and respectful as possible, and think about every way the other person could react before opening my mouth; that's part of the reason talking in person is so hard for me. it always feels forced, i feel like i HAVE to say something and it HAS to be interesting and it HAS to be something they'll enjoy. if I don't do this i get extremely upset at myself. i do this with texting a bit too, but i actually have time to think and format it the way i feel and can put stuff out way more easily
but when im talking, it's not natural. i don't lie, i hate lying, but whenever i have conversations it almost never feels natural. i blank out a LOT. i especially don't like small talk, while i can find it nice im never interested in the conversation. i have to think really hard about what to say, even to simple things sometimes. im happy that people talk to me i just wish i could speak better; though i feel like there are certain people i can talk more naturally with. but nobody 100%. that's not to say I don't like talking to people sometimes its just usually exhausting
this is a reason why i get overwhelmed with 1 on 1 conversations or calls; i use up so much energy trying to sound good and interesting, and with only one person i can't stop to take a break or do something else for a moment. with a group i can easily fade out and sometimes I'll fade back in when im ready,
i don't know if I'm putting on an act most of the time. i genuinely love what i say i love, but I don't know if me talking casually to someone is really me
despite all of this I've been trying really hard recently to get friends and possibly a partner. i don't dislike people at all! i want someone to be by my side and care and be there and to love on them, but i may be idealizing what that's like. my last partner (online partner) broke up with me by sending a long text i didn't really understand the full message of. when i asked to clarify what she meant, she ignored me. of course i was diatraught but i didn't know i was actually broken up with for months. (she's not a jerk i just think it's relevant, don't think she is)
i thought autism might be the answer and im just masking, but... i don't know. i mean i take a lot of stuff at face value (i think im using that right?) and when im talking to people im more natural with (usually my immediate family that i live with since it'd be too exhausting to always keep up what i usually do.) they'll sometimes say how i sounded like a different tone when i think i said something normally and.... well, i can't think of anything else, i hit a mental block.
i don't know. im confused. i don't even know if what I'm saying is super true, i might be lying to myself but im trying to be as honest as i can. i don't want to be fake but i just want an explanation for everything; i know reddit can't really do that, but do any of you have any thoughts? i don't know how to feel about myself i feel like im gonna just be wrong
i don't know if im just neurotypical and don't know what "normal" is
thanks for reading. sorry its so long :) <3 i tried not to edit it much to be natural

Disclaimer: I haven't finished this myself, BUT...
One thing I keep seeing when people relapse is they just sort of fall into going down the rabbit hole of fapping. I have to ask myself two questions: what are you doing with your time and what is running through your mind?
My time is pretty full since I have a job, wife, kid, etc, so I feel for you guys with a ton of free time on your hands. It's easy to get sucked in when there's not a lot to do. Enter 75 Hard. What is it?

1. Follow a diet (anything you choose)
2. Take a progress pic
3. Do 2 workouts at least 45 minutes long and one has to be outdoors
4. Drink a gallon of water
5. Read 10 pages of (helpful, motivating, self help) non-fiction (audiobooks not included)
6. No cheat meals or alcohol.

FAQ: I just gave you the list. Yes there's an app (it's 5 whole dollars) but you don't need it. This is completely free. It's just going to cost you your effort and hard work. If you break on a day, you have to start over.
The "two workouts" may seem hard, but you could literally just go on a walk for the workouts. The dieting may sound extreme, but think about it, if you're going down the rabbit hole, you're probably sitting around not doing much and your brain will want more and more dopamine (tv, games, drinking, junk food, and maybe porn). Either way, since we all have a body and modern technology has made being sedentary WAY too easy, I think it's our responsibility to take care of ourselves.
My favorite thing about this is the reading. How much do people read after high school or college? Not much. That and if you're filling your brain with good topics, you'll be more award of the nonsense you're doing.
ALSO for anyone that, when you wake up, just grab your phone and just start scrolling on social media, Reddit, porn, CRAP, how about getting up and doing your first workout in the morning. That will break that bad habit and start giving you a reason to get out of bed.
This is just a recommendation. You don't have to do any of this, but I can tell you from experience: when I get up and get myself physically tired in the morning 1. I feel better about myself and 2. I get rid of all my pent up energy instead of letting it build up throughout the day.

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Winola Naval Yard, Earth β. Local Date: July 21st, 2136
Alex Baker
Surrounded by men and material, I took in the view of what had been cordially referred to as “The Fuzzball.”
Having been disabled by a particularly lucky Pistol battery, the sleek, edgeless craft had been towed by means of a jery-rigged shuttle down to the confines of Earth - and into the prying hands of a litany of scientific, military, and intelligence agencies.
Despite the best efforts of two dimensions, though, the craft had yielded very little in the way of hard data; weight and measurement had been taken, of course, as well as anything inside the ship that hadn’t been bolted down.
This, of course, also included the corpse that was found on board, from which a considerable amount of information had been accrued.
While preventing the dissection of the corpse - identified through various means as a Venlil named “Takri” - the autopsy and subsequent scans had revealed a great deal of that species’ biology. While shorter than an average human, their muscle mass was considerably denser, implying that they originated from a high-gravity world. Side-facing eyes and large, flat teeth suggested that they were obligate herbivores; the food stores on board corroborated this theory, as they were completely made of plant matter.
While their biology would certainly prove helpful, especially in the fields of first aid and other medical care, it did not contribute to uncovering the secrets of their technology.
Which led me to ask a question that had been answered a dozen times previously to the man standing next to me.
“Any new developments, Mr. Miller?”
The director of the IAS shot me a look that somehow managed to convey more exhaustion than it had only minutes before.
“Nothing from our assignments, Alex. But I did hear that we found their water tank!” He managed to give a coy smile, in spite of his growing fatigue.
“Nothing from our assignments,” in this case, wasn’t a very large surprise. While the entire purpose of the Institute for Anomalous Studies was, in fact, to study anomalies, the team the agency had assembled was still struggling to make heads or tails of what has been surmised to be the Federation’s FTL propulsion.
“I’m still baffled by how they could’ve found an alternative method,” I admitted. “How could they have found something different? To my knowledge, there’s nothing else besides a Warp Drive that has been proven as practical.”
“This is an entirely different civilization, you know - one that we’ve had precious little time to study. Maybe they went down an entirely different field of study. It would explain why we’re having so much trouble,” the Director tried to reassure me. “Well, that and we’ve only had access to the ship for two days.”
“You have to admit that it is concerning, though,” I started back up. “You saw the combat footage yourself. The ship that escaped - there was no identifiable warp bubble. Surely that poses some sort of risk, right?”
I felt that my concern was well-justified. If we were going into this war unable to detect the movements of our enemy, it would prove to be a large - possibly fatal - detriment.
“I didn’t say it wasn’t a hazard, Alex,” came the response from Director Miller. “The lack of a bubble can mean so many different things. Heck, it could even imply…” His face suddenly went pale.
“What could it imply?”
He cut me off before I could get another word in. “I need to have a word with the drive team. Why don’t you check on the other groups in the meantime?” He quickly scurried off, leaving me confused as to what could’ve worked him up so quickly.
Deciding to take on his advice, though, I started making rounds on the other research groups present. Groups that included a mix of Alpha and Beta personnel - a move that I had helped to push for as Military Liason.
Starting at the front and moving towards the back, I met with the researchers dissecting the sole weapon system on the ship.
“Any new developments, gentlemen?”
“No, sir,” came a quick response from a man in Beta American fatigues. “All we have left to do now is repeat previous tests for authenticity; these guns are weaker than their UN counterparts.”
That much hadn’t been a question. The USS Constitution, being a corvette not designed to take high-yield hits, combined with the admittedly inferior local materials, had still taken several direct hits from the Federation flotilla before its hull was breached. There were some figures in the Brass who had been concerned with the threat that weapon scalability posed, but their fears were offset by the information that a hypothetical upsized version of these “Plasma cannons” would still be underpowered when compared to UN weapons of similar make and model.
Giving the officer a brief nod, I continued on towards an open hatch on the other face of the ship. Where pilots once would’ve presumably entered for missions, a large, tangled mess of wires now flowed through, connected to whatever equipment had been found within the ship itself. The garbled mass of black, red, and blue all fed into a hastily-procured console, currently being manned by an Electronics Warfare team on loan from the LREF. Getting closer, I was briefly startled as a cheer rang out from the station.
“...got in! Finally!” I caught the tail-end of a jubilant proclamation as I finally reached the team.
“What did you find?” I asked, the team’s infectious enthusiasm worming its way into my voice.
“See for yourself, sir! It’s a star chart! A star chart of every Federation system!” This claim, half-shouted to me, was enough prompting to cause almost every intelligence officer within earshot to immediately make a beeline to the console.
Sneaking a glance at the console’s holo-screen, I was expecting to see a completely unknown system, out of the knowledge of UN databases. Yet, looking at the three-dimensional display in front of me, I was bugged by the familiarity of what I saw.
“Can you superimpose a map of our own on there? I’m getting the feeling that some of the systems on here may be ours.”
“Ours, sir? How could that be possible?” The soldier manning the console looked confused, but duly pulled up a UN star chart. Mere seconds of manipulating the display later, my suspicions were confirmed. In front of a small crowd of officers and researchers, the UN and Federation star charts were proven to be a near-perfect match, only off on account of a millennia’s worth of drift. Hitched gasps and grumbles could be heard from the entire group.
“A third of those systems are in UN space,” a voice piped up.
“Wait, there’s more.” The LREF soldier quickly shushed the crowd. “The translation software just kicked in; we’ve got system names now, too.”
The eyes of myself and everyone else immediately scoured the display once more.
Let’s see… Nishtal? Aafa? And that one looks like-
“Soldier, get a focus on the system labeled ‘Venlil Prime.’ Keep Sol in the frame, as well.” The cogs in my brain were turning rapidly now, as I asked for the display.
I managed to hear a very hushed “I have a name, you know” as he swiftly executed my request.
“Hey, I recognize that system!” An intelligence officer made his voice known. “That’s Tempest Resolve!”
I took a brief moment to compose myself. “How did they evolve on a planet like that?” I said to nobody in particular.
While an important extrasolar mining world, Tempest Resolve hosted its entire 200 million-person population in vast space stations; the surface itself had only been visited by humans a handful of times. While violent weather owing to its tidally-locked nature was one factor, the main limiter was the simple fact that the planet had a gravitational pull twice as strong as Earth’s; with the UN’s stringent colonization policies, human habitation on the surface under those conditions had been long-forbidden.
Suffice it to say, the entire crowd was about as stumped as I was.
“How did the fucking Sheep achieve flight on a 2-G world, let alone get to space?” One Beta officer uttered in disbelief.
“Maybe that’s not their homeworld?” A researcher tentatively offered.
“Oh, can it, woman! Who the heck uses ‘Prime’ for a colony?”
As the assortment of personnel either ran off to make hurried reports or devolved into bickering, I walked off in a slight stupor. Thankfully, the last spot to hit was the drive team itself - manned by my colleagues in the IAS.
Coming into sight of the aft section of the craft, there was a litany of scientists hooking up devices of unknown function to the rear of the craft. In the distance, I could already see Director Miller gesturing wildly at another person in front of him. Continuing to approach, I heard the throes of a heated argument.
“It has to be wormholes, Mark! There’s no other feasible way!” Miller gesticulated.
“The translator software is calling this thing a subspace drive, sir. I believe that we’re looking at an entirely new method of travel.”
I gave a pointed cough, and the two broke off their debate to look at me.
“Ah, Alex. Welcome back,” said Miller, slightly harried. “What news did you get from the other stations?”
“Nothing new from the weapons section, but navigation managed to get a full star chart of the Federation.”
“Oh?” Miller’s brow raised with interest. “Tell me more.”
“There seems to be a large amount of overlap between Federation territories in this reality and UN territory in our reality, Director. For instance, the Venlil homeworld has been confirmed to be our own Tempest Resolve.”
“Tempest Resolve?” Miller parroted. “I’ll have to ask Slanek how he managed to walk upright with that amount of gravity.”
“Slanek, sir?” I gave a raised eyebrow.
“The Venlil we captured. Did I not tell you his name?”
“No, sir, you did not,” I said flatly.
“My apologies, then,” Miller said earnestly. “Still, that is definitely a question that I am going to have the interrogation officers put on the roster.”
“I was actually meaning you ask you about that, Mr. Miller.” I started my own line of questioning. “Why did we have to put him on our side of the portal? It seems inefficient to have to go all the way back for any in-person appointments.”
Miller pursed his lips. “You really don’t see the problem with keeping him here? In this facility?”
“I can’t say that I do, sir.”
“Alex, keeping him here would represent a palpable threat to his life.”
My entire train of thought collapsed, as I looked at the Director with no small amount of confusion. “A direct threat to his life? Sir, this is already one of the most heavily guarded areas on the planet! Even by UN standards, the security is airtight. What threat could there possibly be?”
Miller paused for a moment before answering. “While I have no shortage of respect for our allies here, Alex, you need to remember that it was the Venlil and Federation at large that nearly drove the humanity of this timeline extinct. That’s the first point. The second point is that this timeline hasn’t progressed societally beyond the twentieth century.”
“...So?” I failed to see where Mr. Miller was taking this line of reasoning.
“...Alex.” Miller was starting to look exacerbated. “You want to put an alien POW, one whose ancestors glassed this planet, into a facility guarded by people with a mindset over a millennium behind our own. Do you see the problem, now?”
“...Oh.” The realization hit me like a brick wall. “Oh.”
Living in a society that had long since grown free of the shackles of the past, it had never occurred to me until now that any living person - even in another timeline - would have the temperament or capacity for xenophobia. The United Nations had ensured equal treatment of all persons since its foundation as a world government, and people in modern times simply took it as a given that those standards would be upheld. I internally berated myself for my complacency as Miller continued his tirade.
Miller honed in, now in a hushed tone. “If we dropped Slanek in here, Alex, he would be murdered within a day. There’d be nothing we could do to prevent it.”
Silence reigned over the both of us as I took in this extreme revelation. If I was remembering my history correctly, then Beta’s America would’ve never even gone through the Civil Rights era as we understood it, as the Federation bombings stunted societal development. There may have still been a time of reflection and dialogue about race, gender, and sexual preferences, but given the circumstances, I found that hard to believe. If discussions had happened to dampen the racism, sexism, and homophobia of the past, they would have been rather muted. There was a large chance, then, that the toxic mindset still lingered within a decent chunk of this timeline’s Americans.
They wouldn’t actually do that, would they? They’ve been around us for months, now. Surely they realize that such a mindset is unproductive.
Deciding that I had had enough time to mull the information over, Miller brought me back into the present to move forward with our job. “I think it’s time that I let you in on what you’ve missed over here, so far. What do you say?”
“That would be welcome, sir.”
Moving back towards the drive, the Director re-connected with the colleague with whom he had been speaking before my arrival. “Mark, can you give Alex a run-down on what we were just talking about?”
“Certainly,” the bespeckled researcher replied. “So, I believe you already know that this drive generates no discernable warp bubble, yes?”
“I am aware of that.”
“Of course,” he nodded. “This leads me to believe that this craft uses an entirely different - an entirely novel method of propulsion.”
“And I still can’t believe you think it’s hyperspace travel,” hissed the Director. “You should know better than to pull directly from Science Fiction, Mark. It’s clearly a wormhole generator; there’s no other feasible way!”
“The nomenclature suggests otherwise, Director. Subspace is not a name anyone I know would give to a wormhole generator.”
“You’d turn your back over a millennium of scientific research over a name? We don’t even know if the software translated it right!”
“I helped code the software, you…!”
I allowed myself a small sigh, as the two devolved back into their argument.
Today is gonna be one of those days, isn’t it?