https://instagram.com/p/Cs4YM80SDRt/
1 year. 1 week. Owned Blastoise for 53 weeks and man… what an awesome experience. Took this car everywhere from Los Angeles (a couple of times), to Portland (countless times), to San Francisco, to Vancouver, BC, to Cascade mountains, to Ocean Shores, to Long Beach and daily driving, totaling 35,329 miles driven.
Was skeptical about electric vehicles, especially battery degeneration but so far, it seems like the battery is still very healthy.
How do I know it’s very healthy? With a small sample from today’s driving, drove 183 miles and the car consumed 38 kWh. With an efficiency of 207 Watt hour (Wh) per mile. Averaging 60 mph and outside temp about 70 F. Blastoise has a 75 kWh battery pack. Math breakdown: With an efficiency of 207 Wh/mi. 1 kWh = 4.831 miles. 75 kWh x 4.831 = 362 miles. On a good day, this car can still travel over 350 miles in one full charge. Now that’s amazing!
In larger sample size. Blastoise traveled 35,329 miles, averaging 239 watt hour per mile and consumed a total of 8,430 kWh. After driving all four season in various weather conditions and driving conditions, in one full charge, Blastoise can go about 313 miles. 45 miles less then an EPA range of 358 miles. Approximately 87% battery life remain. But that number is arbitrary. I expect during warmer months the efficiency will be better and the battery degradation will improve. All in all, this 2022 Tesla Model 3 is absolutely amazing!
Let’s talk about money saved compared to gas. My previous car was a 2010 Honda Civic.
In the past year, IF I drove the Civic 35,000 miles, it would have consumed 1,000 gallons of gasoline. I would have paid roughly $4,300 in gas. *(Civic mpg is about 35mpg, average gas price for the past year I’d say is ROUGHLY $4.30/gal)
Past year, I drove Blastoise about 35,329 miles consumed 8,430 kWh and it would have costed $917 in electricity IF I charged at home the whole time but I didn’t. Did some super charging on road trips, so I estimated $1,100 in total electricity cost counting both at home charging and super charging. *(Blastoise efficiency is 239 Wh, with an average electricity rate of .11 cents and super charging )
Saving me roughly $3,200. Also did no maintenance except adding windshield fluid and occasionally add air to the tires, which is free at Costco, and tire rotations, which is also free at discount tires. All in all savings of over $3,500!!!

https://instagram.com/p/Cs4YM80SDRt/
1 year. 1 week. Owned Blastoise for 53 weeks and man… what an awesome experience. Took this car everywhere from Los Angeles (a couple of times), to Portland (countless times), to San Francisco, to Vancouver, BC, to Cascade mountains, to Ocean Shores, to Long Beach and daily driving, totaling 35,329 miles driven.
Was skeptical about electric vehicles, especially battery degeneration but so far, it seems like the battery is still very healthy.
How do I know it’s very healthy? With a small sample from today’s driving, drove 183 miles and the car consumed 38 kWh. With an efficiency of 207 Watt hour (Wh) per mile. Averaging 60 mph and outside temp about 70 F. Blastoise has a 75 kWh battery pack. Math breakdown: With an efficiency of 207 Wh/mi. 1 kWh = 4.831 miles. 75 kWh x 4.831 = 362 miles. On a good day, this car can still travel over 350 miles in one full charge. Now that’s amazing!
In larger sample size. Blastoise traveled 35,329 miles, averaging 239 watt hour per mile and consumed a total of 8,430 kWh. After driving all four season in various weather conditions and driving conditions, in one full charge, Blastoise can go about 313 miles. 45 miles less then an EPA range of 358 miles. Approximately 87% battery life remain. But that number is arbitrary. I expect during warmer months the efficiency will be better and the battery degradation will improve. All in all, this 2022 Tesla Model 3 is absolutely amazing!
Let’s talk about money saved compared to gas. My previous car was a 2010 Honda Civic.
In the past year, IF I drove the Civic 35,000 miles, it would have consumed 1,000 gallons of gasoline. I would have paid roughly $4,300 in gas. *(Civic mpg is about 35mpg, average gas price for the past year I’d say is ROUGHLY $4.30/gal)
Past year, I drove Blastoise about 35,329 miles consumed 8,430 kWh and it would have costed $917 in electricity IF I charged at home the whole time but I didn’t. Did some super charging on road trips, so I estimated $1,100 in total electricity cost counting both at home charging and super charging. *(Blastoise efficiency is 239 Wh, with an average electricity rate of .11 cents and super charging )
Saving me roughly $3,200. Also did no maintenance except adding windshield fluid and occasionally add air to the tires, which is free at Costco, and tire rotations, which is also free at discount tires. All in all savings of over $3,500!!!

Willing to bundle for the items I want.
GT: MADDL007
——Weapons for trade——
AA/50crit/25 Plasma Rifle
AA/50crit/25 Crossbow {mule}
AA/E 50 Cal Machine Gun (2 Star) {mule}
B/E/Break The Dragon 3% Explosive 419 Range (Legacy) {mule}
B/50crit/15crit The Fixer
B/50crit/15crit Handmade {mule}
B/50crit/15crit Handmade {mule}
B/E/1A Handmade {mule}
B/50crit/25 Radium Rifle
B/50crit/25 Railway Rifle {mule}
B/50crit/FR Railway Rifle
B/E 50 Cal Machine Gun (2 Star) {mule}
B/50crit/Break Gatling Plasma {mule}
B/50crit/25 Harpoon Gun
B/E Light Machine Gun (2 star) {mule}
B/FF90 Light Machine Gun {mule}
B/FSS/Break Chainsaw
B/FSS/1S Death Tambo {mule}
GS/E/25 The Fixer {mule}
Junkie/FFFR 50 Cal Machine Gun {mule}
MUT/E/25 Handmade
Q/E/DRWA The Fixer
Q/AP/25 Handmade
Q/E Handmade (2 star)
Q/E Handmade (2 star) {mule}
Q/E/Stealth Handmade
Q/50crit/FMSWA Railway Rifle {mule}
Q/E Railway Rifle (2 Star)
Q/FFR Tesla Rifle (2 Star)
Q/50crit/25 Flamer {mule}
Q/E/1P Gatling Gun {mule}
TS/50vhc Alien Blaster (2 Star)
TS/AP/Stealth Alien Blaster {mule}
TS/LD/Break Alien Blaster
TS/E Handmade (2 star)
V/FFFR Alien Blaster
V/FF25 Gatling Laser
V/E Light Machine Gun (2 star)
V/BASH/FMSWA Minigun {mule}
V/25DAM/1S Chainsaw {mule}
V/40PA/Block Chainsaw
V/AP/90 Chainsaw
Enclave Plasma Rifle #1 w/ Automatic Barrel, Stabilized Stock, Reflex Sight
Enclave Plasma Rifle #2 w/ Stabilized Splitter, Stabilized Stock, Reflex Sight
Enclave Plasma Rifle #3 w/ Aligned Automatic Barrel, Stabilized Stock, Standard Sights
Enclave Plasma Rifle #4 w/ True Flamer Barrel, Stabilized Stock, Reflex Sight
Enclave Plasma Rifle #5 w/ Stabilized Flamer Barrel, Stabilized Stock, Reflex Sight
Enclave Plasma Rifle #6 w/ True Automatic Barrel, Stabilized Stock, Reflex Sight {mule}
Fancy Pump Shotgun AA/LD/DRWA
Fancy Revolvers: Assassin, Berserker, Executioner, Mutant x2, Troubleshooter x3
Dross, Pearly Peepers, Red Fireworks Mine, Troglocide
——Plans & Recipes for trade——
Plan: Assault Rifle {mule}
Plan: Backpack Armor Plated Mod {mule}
Plan: Backpack High Capacity Mod {mule}
Plan: Backpack Insulated Mod
Plan: Backpack Refrigerated Mod
Plan: Barbed Walking Cane {mule}
Plan: Bear Arm
Plan: Bear Arm Heavy Mod
Plan: Camo Backpack
Plan: Deathclaw Gauntlet {mule}
Plan: Hatchet Electro Fusion {mule}
Plan: Large Ultracite Shard {mule}
Plan: Nuka-World Cowboy Duster {mule}
Plan: Pitchfork Flamer {mule}
Plan: Poker Set {mule}
Plan: Protective Lining Raider Underarmor
Plan: Radioactive Barrel
Plan: Scorchbeast Queen Plushie
Plan: Sheriff’s Hat
Plan: Shielded Lining Marine Underarmor {mule}
Plan: Spiked Walking Cane {mule}
Plan: Tomb Stones
Plan: TV Aquarium {mule}
Plan: T-60 BOS Elder Paint
Plan: Ultracite Calibrated Shocks
Plan: Vintage Water Cooler
Plan: Wild West Show Entrance Sign
Recipe: Cutting Fluid {mule}
Recipe: Formula P {mule}
Recipe: Fried Scorpion On A Stick {mule}
Recipe: Healing Salve (Mire) {mule}
Recipe: Nuka Cola Dark {mule}
Recipe: Stimpak Diffuser {mule}
——Armor & Other items for trade——
UNY/1L/WWR Metal Chest Piece 51DR 11ER {mule}
UNY/1L/WWR Urban Scout Armor Chest Piece {mule}
UNY/1P/WWR Urban Scout Armor Right Arm {mule} [armor from my want list only please]
UNY/1S/WWR Leather Left Leg 21DR 51ER {mule} [armor from my want list only please]
UNY/AP/WWR Combat Armor Right Leg 27DR 37ER {mule} [armor from my want list only please]
UNY/AP/WWR Forest Scout Armor Right Leg [high end apparel bundle or armor from my want list only please]
UNY/AP/WWR Urban Scout Armor Right Leg [high end apparel bundle or armor from my want list only please]
UNY/HungeWWR Urban Scour Armor Left Arm {mule} [armor from my want list only please]
W/AP/WWR Raider Left Leg 17DR 8ER
Ultracite Jet Pack Helmet Level 50 {mule}
50K+ Ultracite 5.56 Ammo
All 8 Holotape Mini Games
All Non-Rare apparel available - just ask
Misc Items: ask me for my list
———
———
——Items I want——
B/50crit/25 Fixer or Handmade
Q/E/25 Fixer or Handmade or Railway
TS/50crit/15crit Alien Blaster
TS/50crit/25 Alien Blaster
V/40PA/40PA Chainsaw (Will consider other third star: prefer Break, 90rw, or any of the +1)
Baseball bats level 45 - indigo, pink, yellow
Enclave Plasma Gun Aligned Flamer Barrel Mod (one or multiple)
UNY/AP/WWR Forest Scout Armor Chest Piece, Left Arm
UNY/AP/WWR Urban Scout Armor Left Leg and Right Arm
Plan: Meat Tenderizer
Asylum Worker Uniform Forest
Asylum Worker Uniform Red
Asylum Worker Uniform Yellow
Blue Ridge Caravan Gas Mask (will pay caps)
Blue Ridge Caravan Uniform (will pay caps)
BOS Jumpsuit
Fasnacht Brahmin Mask
Fasnacht Buffoon Mask
Fasnacht Crazy Guy Mask
Fasnacht Deathclaw Mask
Fasnacht Demon Mask
Fasnacht Fiend Mask
Fasnacht Hag Mask
Fasnacht Loon Mask
Fasnacht Raven Mask
Fasnacht Winter Man Mask
Forest Camo Jumpsuit
Forest Scout Armor Mask
Leather Coat
Prototype Hazmat Suit Level 50
Radicals Face Mask
Responder Fireman Helmet
Responder Fireman Uniform
Tattered Field Jacket
Traveling Leather Coat
Urban Scout Armor Mask
White Powder Jumpsuit
I’m really only after the items listed above, make me an offer. No caps, flux, or junk offers please.

First shot at a recap so let’s see how we do!
Race Info
What – IM 70.3: Chattanooga
Where – Chattanooga, TN USA
When - Sunday, May 21st, 2023
Overall Goals
- PR - Yes (previous PR was a 5:30:12 at Ohio 70.3 in 2022)
- Sub 5:00 - Heck no
- Not blow up on run - Sorta?
TL;DR and Results
This was my 3rd 70.3 and my first with my coach who has been training me since the start of the fall 2022
Swim – 35:07
T1 – 5:03
Bike – 2:49:55
T2 – 3:13
Run – 1:51:57
Total time – 5:25:14
58th in AG (M27), 579 overall
Background
Was a college soccer player (GK) and after college had a foray into BJJ and MMA with a couple fights. Realized that was dumb for longevity and switched to triathlon
Training
Swimming
2-3 sessions a week of 2.4K to 3.6K yards per session. Some workouts are speed focused, some are technique focused, so on and so forth. I have seen a good improvement on CSS these last few month from 1:40 to 1:33. I did swim team as a kid so I have been trying to recapture some of that swim experience. I also felt some recent breakthrough with decreasing my stroke rate and using fewer more powerful strokes. Have been very happy with my improvement these last months. I still remain a terrible to nonexistent kicker
Goal split - 35 Minutes
Biking
typically rides a week. Longer weekend ride and 2 during the week (on zwift trainer) with focus on cadence or power or VO2. I have a big problem with low cadence, recently been trying to get up into the 80s for when I am normally riding. However when I start putting power down I start reverting to the low 70s cadence of riding. As far as FTP I had worked my FTP up to 257 leading up to the start of the season. However I have felt pretty weak these last 2 month leading up to this actual race. It has been harder for me to put the power down. However on the outdoor longer rides I have felt very strong and very comfortable riding for longer periods. Outdoors I ride without power so will probably need to make that investment soon.
Goal Split - 2:30:00
Running
Running has steadily improved with increased mileage and more speedwork. Recent 5K test had improved me to 6:33 for my fastest 5K. Additionally in the most recent half marathon race I had I finished 1:30:12 with a 6:57 avg. biggest issues I have been dealing with are some pain in my left Achilles at the very start of runs that typically disappears after a mile or 2. Typically 3-4 runs a week (1 tempo short, longer run on the weekend, Z2 10k).
Goal Split - 1:40:00
Race Morning
Woke up at 4 AM to get the body rolling. Had my usual prerace breakfast of 2 English muffins with peanut butter and honey as well as a power armour with caffeine and a cup of coffee. Transition setup right at 4:40 to give me plenty of time for the most important part of the morning, THE BM. Went back to my hotel and was able to get showered and dressed up for the race. Headed over to the busses for drop-off to the swim and get to the swim start 20-30 mins before the race start
Swim – seeded myself in the 30-35 minute group and set off! for those that fear swimming Chatty is a great race. It is a with the current swim so it felt like we were flying down the river. Dealt with a slight leak in my left goggle the entire swim which was pretty annoying but it was far from terrible. Also I forgot that in Chatty the swim is actually 1.4 miles instead of 1.2, so as I swam over 2100 yards I was thinking WTF why are we still swimming? This was the first time I seeded myself in the 30-35 min so I did deal with less of the slower swimmers who seed incorrectly. However I did still find quite a few in front of me who should not have been where they were. Mini Rant here, but seriously people why are you doing this? IDK this is just a huge pet peeve of mine when I have to swim all the way around a person (small problems I know...) rant over. But got through it without any real major contact with anyone
35:07 @ 1:23/100 yards - 7:48 PR!
T1 – Never had a wetsuit stripper before! that was fun. But this transition is long as crap. My watch clocked my total transition distance as almost half a mile which was crazy to me. Also I was a little slow getting my socks on today which was unusual. all and all a odd transition where I just felt slow and unfocused on what I was doing.
5:03
Bike – Set off on what had previously been my nemesis for my first 70.3 but felt like I would have an area of great improvement for today! with my goal of 2:30 I knew my goal average speed was around 22MPH, and for the first bit we were well on track! If I look at my average speed through the first 26 miles I was averaging 21.6 MPH. And this is a course with rolling hills most of the way. Goals of the bike were to try and really spin to get through the hill and not stuck grinding it out as this would destroy my legs. Also wanted to keep on my nutrition as I felt this really caused me to blow up on my runs in Galveston and Ohio. Fueling per hour was 1 x 55g carb Gatorade mix bottle and a maurten gel to get to 80 g carb per hours. Would then rinse down the body and sip water through the aid stations. after I burned through my 2 bottles I sipped on the Gatorade endurance bottle taken from the aide stations. In total took 160 g carb + some of the Gatorade endurance for nutrition. So all was going ok until after the "big" climb halfway. Not sure if it was fueling or the headwind that started. But my average speed just tanked. I felt like I had no power. When I tried to flex and stretch my legs I could just feel the damage in them. Not good. Then with the slower speed my mental game fell apart. mile 40-50 I was in a really bad mental spot and had decided at several points to just quit when I got back into transition as there was no way in hell I would break 5 hours. I felt like a failure and a loser. why had I been training 9-12 hours every week to just suck? Talk about a tale of 2 half's. Managed to get back to transition. Mini rant #2 - draft packs... screw you. A literal peloton of 8-10 people 2 abreast 5 deep flew by me at mile 45 and let me tell you I was big mad. Rant over. Also saw a guy lose control at 30 MPH and hit the deck pretty hard, hope he's ok. That was a nice bike to wreck on :( Also another guy almost started peeing on me (I was behind him) near the end and definitely did not use enough water to wash himself down after LOL.
2:49:55 - 20.07 MPH - 11ish minutes slower than PR :(
T2 – Made it into T2 and said alright lets just run the first 5k and see how we are doing then we can DNF if you really are that miserable. So got everything racked and ditched the 10 maurtens I had somehow acquired on the bike. but threw on my trusty Saucony Endorphin Pro 2s and set off
3:13
Run – That first hill out of transition took my already bad mental state and threw it into the fire. So I have never come closer to quitting than that moment. I did not somehow. And then the run flattened out. So after 1.5 miles I actually started to feel good mentally and that's when I knew I was going to finish. I also saw how my pace was going and I knew I would at least PR on the day if I just held the pacing I was doing. after the 1st aid station I decided I wouldn't push too hard on the run and simply walk through the aid stations. avg pace as 7:40-8:00 while running then would walk through the aid stations. in the aid stations I would douse with water and take Gatorade in. Also was putting ice in the suit. I think in total I had 2-3 gels throughout the run? and I stopped at every single aide station for drink and splashing myself with water. Besides the aid stations the only section I had to walk was an incredibly steep little hill right before the first bridge crossing to the other side of the river. That hill is a real ball buster. In terms of improvements I think if I really want to chop some time I have some free time if I don't walk through aid stations. I need to get better at doing that on the run to enable me to get that free time. Also I really didn't push at all my heartrate was pretty much in high Z2 for me the whole run. Also I was dealing with side stitches off and on the whole run so not sure how I can prevent that in the future but if I could eliminate that I would be a much happier camper. Also lap 2 on the run was SO CROWDED mind you there were 3k athletes but man that was a busy run course for the second lap. Saw the shoot and had the tear well up a little. Got over the line and had a quick little 30 second sob so that was that.
1:51:57 - 8:31 AVG - 11 min PR
Final Thoughts
Chatty has me feeling some really mixed emotions. I really was sure I was in for massive PR., chopping 30 minutes off my last PR. Instead I got a measly 5. Maybe I am being to hard on myself or am being greedy with the amount of time I feel I should be dropping? However when I think about it practically it is a much harder course with 2.3K feet in climbing over the bike and 600 or so feet in climbing on the run. So to PR on a harder course is good right? Just a confusing weekend for me about how to feel about it. I think nutrition is still and issue as I am left thinking why did I feel so weak on the bike? I have read some literature that 90-100g carb may be even better now so I think I will implement this into training. Also could I have been tougher and gone harder on that run? If you saw me out there I was in an blue and orange suit with a white helmet riding and old black and blue trek equinox 7 or black running hat. Next race is in July with the Happy Valley 70.3 so I have even more climbing to look forward to there. Will I be able to further PR? Let me know what y'all think of this write up or your thoughts on all this!

Hello everyone. I recently platinummed the PSVITA version of Sly Cooper 4: Thieves in Time as my 28th platinum. It only took me 10 years, 4 weeks, 22 hours to do it. Did you know this game hides its true ending behind the platinum?
Anyway, I'd like to talk about the experience.
Sly 4 was a bit confusing and inconsistent to platinum. I get the feeling the game wants you to platinum it given how on every loading screen it shows you how much you've completed the trophies and collectibles for the game. And that there no missable trophies. But there are some decisions that don't help with that.
So I'd say there are around 3 groups of Trophies in this game.
The first group are the mandatory story trophies. Not much to say about these. There's nothing missable here and the names are quite cool. I do like looking at the percent completion to see how many players completed the PS VITA version of the game. Did you know that around 73% of players booted this game up and completed the prologue? And only around 25% of players even beat the game. The biggest drop happened around the start of Episode 2 since the completion dropped from around 60%to 48% for some reason.
The second group are the trophies for the collectibles and arcades. I'll talk about these later.
The third and final group of trophies are for miscellaneous challenges. I'll start with these first and highlight some of the notable ones that I missed on my first playthrough.
"Crazed Climber - Scale the dragon lair in under 90 seconds". This was one I missed during my original playthrough of the game. This requires you to climb a giant tower filled with traps in the mission "Mechanical Menace". And this one was really fun even though it took me like 3 attempts. Sly 4's movement and platforming is quite fun so having a mini speedrun challenge using Sir Galleth's moveset was a treat. The one criticism I have here is that the game drops a checkpoint as soon as you get to the top. If you haven't gotten the trophy by then and need to retry, you need to quit to the main menu/hideout and reselect the mission, skip through all the cutscenes and get back there which gets annoying. At least the tower is near the start of the mission.
"Ancient Warfare 3 - Crackshot 10 enemies within 65 seconds. Sly's ancestor, Tennessee "Kid" Cooper" has an ability similar to "Dead Eye" from Red Dead Redemption where he can slow down time, mark enemies and objects and then instantly shoot them dead called "Crackshot". I never got this trophy when I first played the game because there wasn't much opportunity to. There aren't large groups of enemies wandering around that you can casually get 10+ of them line up for you to shoot them. Plus, I was already good at shooting them normally. I tried running around in the open world trying to lure enemies but found it wasn't working. There's a mission in the game called "Blind Date" that throws lots of rabbit enemies that chuck TNT at you that worked better for me.
"Hubba Hubba - Don't miss a beat in the Carmelita dance game." This trophy is, without a doubt, the main reason to platinum this game on VITA instead of the PS3. So nobody can see you play this dumb minigame and call you a Furry. This trophy requires you to complete the minigame where Carmilita needs to disguise herself as a belly dancer and dance to distract guards while the Cooper gang try and open a door. You just need to hit the button prompts perfectly. So you can ignore the times the minigame asks you to shake the VITA from side to side like a champagne bottle to make Carmilita shake her ass (seriously, why does this game sexualize Carmilita so much? None of the past Sly games did it).
"Get To the Chopper - Don't take any damage during Up In Smoke." This one was actually fun. In the mission "Up in Smoke", you have to control an RC Helicopter and drop bombs on turrents while drones and mines chase you down. It was fun dodging and weaving through them. There are 3 phases to this mission and you have a checkpoint in between every phase. So if you mess up, you can just restart the checkpoint to the last phase. You don't need to avoid taking damage the whole way through which is nice.
"Unexpected Package - Place 60 bombs in enemy pockets with Bentley." When I first saw this trophy, I groaned. This would be a massive grind. And I had actually made it harder on myself. You see, normally, when you sneak up behind an enemy as Bentley and hold triangle, Bentley will try to put a bomb in the enemy's pocket. Larger enemies won't notice this but smaller enemies will. But the main issue is that I had previously unlocked the Heat Seeking upgrade for Bentley. Meaning sometimes, the bombs would "miss" and stick to an enemy guard's arms or legs instead. So it was annoying going around the hub world and planting bombs on guards.....until I remembered that I had purchased the upgrade for sleep bombs. My plan now was just to find a lone guard on a rooftop, try and place one sleep bomb into his back pocket and detonate it. He'd then fall asleep. Then I'd go to his sleeping body and try placing 5 sleeping bombs in his pocket and back away (the max you can place at any one time). When he wakes him, I'd detonate all 5 which set him to sleep and then repeat. Even if I'd "miss" a few bombs that would stick to their legs instead, I generally 3 or 4 bombs work perfectly. So it didn't take long to get all 60.
"Apollo Wins - Have the perfect workout during the Training Montage." During the mission "Getting Stronger", you have to do a training montage with Bob where you alternate through 6 minigames as you complete them with the minigames getting harder as you complete them. The trophy requires you to complete 10 randomly selected minigames without making a single mistake. If you mess up, you can restart the checkpoint to the beginning of the montage and have to play through a new set of 10 randomly selected minigames. The Minigames are "Slippery Slope" where you balance an egg on a beam using motion controls while penguins jump around on the floating iceberg you are standing on. "Penguin Popper" where Penguins are diving in front of you and you have to play baseball using them. "Sumo Slap" where you have to perform QTEs to push a giant penguin out of a Sumo Ring. "Duck and Cover" where penguins get launched at you from 4 different directions and you have to move the left stick to dodge them. "Super Sling" which requires you to use a catapult to launch a penguin at a flying pterodactyl. And "Whack a chump" which is Whack a Mole but with penguins. Some of which are fake and you should avoid.
Penguin Popper was easy. Once you get the timing down it's easy to get into a rhythm and hit the penguins since they don't vary when they dive. Whenever this popped into the rotation, I considered it a freebie. Sumo Slap was extremly easy. The button mashing was extremely generous. This was another freebie. Duck and Cover requires a bit more focus because of the timing and inconsistent patterns. It's not too challenging. Interestingly, I noticed that the VITA's speakers would reflect if the penguin was coming from the right or left but not above or below you. I guess headphones would make this easier but I had no need for it. I was generally glad when this popped up in the rotation. Whack a Chump was a bit harder than Penguin Popper because there is no set pattern and the additional challenge of not hitting the fake penguins. But it wasn't too bad. I was glad when this popped up in the rotation.
Super Sling and Slippery Slope were the 2 I dreaded and the ones I messed up the most on. Super Sling doesn't give you much indication of where your sling will go. The Pterodactyls have varied speeds so you can't rely on pattern recolonization and reactions. And there's time pressure as taking too long counts as a miss. And it kept popping up in the rotations for some reason!
Slippery Slope was stressful because of the motion controls and how wild later versions of it were.
"The Cooper Open - Have a 20 hit rally with Bentley in each hideout." There are 6 hideouts in the game. In each hideout there is a table tennis table where you as Sly can play a round of table tennis with Bentley. I question the inclusion of it but I suppose it can be a nice distraction. This trophy requires you get a sequences where both you and Bentley hit the ball back and forth 10 times each (or 20 times overall) without missing. And repeat for each of the 6 tables. I found Bentley kept messing up so I had to intentionally hold back and avoid making good shots and try and hit the ball towards him. The main issue is the fact you have to repeat it 6 times. I feel it would be better off just once and as nothing is really added by doing it 6 times. If anything, it's more annoying given the long load times to switch hideouts and Bentley's random AI.
"Hassan Would Be Proud - Pickpocket a full collection of every item in the game." Each of the 6 or so locations have around 3-4 items that can be pickpocketted from guards. The main issue with this trophy is that it doesn't keep track of which items you have already pickpocketed in any way. The game already tracks how many treasures and masks you've found per general area but not pickpocketted items.
I only got this trophy by planning on systematically going through every location in the game and pickpocketting every enemy item and noting down which ones I found.....only to get it in the first level when I used Murray's shake move on some rat enemies. Enemies that you never encounter or have a reason or opportunity to naturally pickpocket. I guess 2013 me had already gotten 99% of these items previously.
"Navigate Like Drake - Take a look at every map in every episode". I found this trophy really annoying. The way it works is that every location in the game, including linear interiors that are exclusive to missions and even the hideouts, have a map you can look at by pressing SELECT. The game doesn't keep track of which locations you've seen the map of. So I had to systamatically play the game from the first mission and press SELECT whenever I entered a new interior. Then quit out and play the next mission and repeat. It popped for me in Episode 4 so somehow, 2013 me had looked at all the maps in Episode 5 without realizing it.
I don't like this trophy. It doesn't really add anything. The player would already be looking at the maps in the hub worlds where they would be at their most useful since those are open world sections. They have no real reason to use the map in linear interiors. And even less useful in hideouts as these aren't even explorable. They are basically just menus that happen to have a 3D background. I'd be more forgiving of this trophy if the map showed collectibles at least. That way, players have more of a reason to use this feature.
Shout out to the Lazy Trunk Spa & Lounge. A secret area in the game that contains a mask collectible and counts for the trophy with a unique map. No mission ever goes here. So even if you were to play diligently and open the map for every area you encounter, you'd still miss this. I only knew this existed because the trophy guide I looked at told me about it so I decided to tag this area while doing the "Get to the Chopper" trophy.
"Hero Tech - Battle with a secret weapon" Once you collect 50 Sly masks. You unlock Ratchet's wrench from Ratchet and Clank. This weapon even turns the coins you collect into bolts. Collecting 60 Masks unlocks Cole's Amp from inFAMOUS. This can electrocute the enemies you hit. I chose to use Cole's Amp to get the trophy as a tribute to inFAMOUS. Killed by Ghost of Tsumia 😭. May it rest in peace. Gone too soon.
That covers all the miscellaneous trophies. Now for the collectibles and arcades.
Sly 4 has a bunch of different collectibles scattered in each of its 6 episodes.
Bottles: Each hub world contains 30 bottles. Collecting all of them gives you access to unlock a safe hidden somewhere in the hub world. Unlocking that safe rewards you a special treasure. Bottles make a "clinking" sound when you're near them so if you're having a hard time finding them, try going into the game's settings and turning down the music and voice sounds. If you find the safe in Episode 3, the special treasure it gives you will highlight bottles and safes in every other episode on your map which is quite nice. I wish the game did this more often. If it hides collectibles from the player, at least give the player an endgame ability to highlight them. It makes it more feasible and fun to complete these tasks instead of combing every last inch (or looking up a guide).
Treasures: Each hub world has around 11 treasures scattered all around. The gimmick here is that in order to collect them, you first need to find where they are in the hub world. Then once you pick them, you need to race back to your hideout under a certain time limit and without taking any damage. If you mess up, you need to repeat the process. The treasures generally require you to have all of Sly's costumes. And a couple require you to be playing as Sir Galleth because England has increased gravity for some reason. Some of these treasures are really well hidden. Requiring you to go to these holes in the middle of nowhere which then require you to switch between some of Sly's costumes. Like, if you open the map when picking some of these up, you'll find Sly is located beyond the borders of the area.
I found it way more fun to race back to the hideout than actually finding them. It was tedious to find many of them because of how well hidden they are. There is no tool or item in the game that can help mark them on your map. Well, I say that. Supposedly, if you have both the PS3 and VITA versions of the game and play them at the same time, you can use the VITA like a scannebinoculars to locate these treasures. And then use the Cross Save feature to nab them in both versions. I only have the VITA version so no luck for me. Again, I'd argue it would be better if there was an endgame upgrade or tool you could get that would mark the treasures like how the game does it for bottles. There isn't even a "clinking sound" or any help for these.
Anyway, collecting all the treasures for an episode unlocks the arcade machine minigame for that episode.
Also sidenote, but this game has the worst map screen that still somehow can be useful. The map gives a top down view of the area but with a blue filter. This makes it harder and more annoying to navigate and use landmarks for reference. Especially on the VITA with its smaller screen. There are also no icons on the map (aside from bottles, safes and objectives) or the ability to make your own markers. The VITA version makes it worse as you can't even use the buttons to navigate the map. You have to use the touchscreen even though that's not how it is in the PS3 version. But you can still use it to know where you are and where collectibles can be from guides. It's technically readable and useful but just barely. I've never seen a map in a game so perfectly walk the line between useful and annoying.
The next collectible are Sly Masks. There are 60 total and around 11 per Episode. Collecting them unlocks skins and some goodies. But the catch with them is that they can be anywhere. There can be a couple in the hub world. But also couple during select missions and even some in the arcade minigames. There's no way to know where any of them are. They generally tend to be really well hidden even if you are trying to scour every area.
Again, I wish there was a way to highlight them. The game's long load times make it a chore to switch episodes or missions so it's tedious to try searching for them manually.
Now it's time to talk about the arcades. Sly 4 has 3 arcade minigames that are used in both the main missions and have a harder version in the arcades in hideouts. The arcade versions of these minigames are harder, go on for much longer and can have secret paths that lead to portals that reward you with points and some of them even have Sly masks. You need to beat the high scores to get the trophies
The first minigame is "Alter Ego". This has you play this 2D auto scrolling twin stick shooter minigame where you must avoid enemies and collect these "ionic bits". Collecting 5 yellow bits levels you up so your weapons get more powerful. At level 10 you have shoot crazy fast, can launch missiles and have floating drones that can damage enemies around you. But whenever you take damage, you drop an entire level. And you get left behind as the level autoscrolls, you respawn at level 0. You can also collect blue bits which can give you a grenade explosion around you.
Personally, I don't really like this minigame. It's fine when playing casually as a change of pace but grinding the high score isn't great. Since it is an autoscroller it is entirely possible you don't have enough points to match the high score and you won't know until its too late, wasting your time. I also found the hitboxes a bit too small. Making items more annoying to pickup.
The key to success is finding the right balance between collecting yellow bits as they give points and level you up (and how high your level is acts as a multiplier for your score) and killing enemies since they give more points. As well as avoiding taking damage and maintaining level 10 as much as possible and knowing where the secret paths are so you can get more points as well as level up if you have messed up.
The second minigame is "System Cracker". Here, you guide a little space ship looking thing through 2D levels in top down twin stick shooting sections. This isn't an autoscroller. You need to explore levels looking for keys and shooting enemies. There are 3 ships you can switch between by going onto specific coloured pads and each ship has its pros and cons. The green ship you start with does decent damage and has decent health and can carry keys. So it's a jack of all trades master of none kinda ship. The pink ship literally resembles a tank. It fires slower and at a shorter range but does more damage and has more health. It's also necessary for destroying pink crystals to progress. The blue ship has floatier handling and faster speeds. Its shots also bounce off walls and it can draw a line which can activate switches and damage enemies. It is weaker than the green ship though.
I actually really enjoyed this minigame and was happy whenever it comes up. It even feels the most fleshed out of the 3. Like, I feel it could even be released as a small standalone game with some tweaking and expansion. I'd probably play a mobile version of this in my free time.
I like how varied the levels can be. You can have a lot of different threats and mini-puzzles and even scenarios where you have to keep switching between ships on the fly to damage enemies. Like, there's this one enemy that's made up of orange, blue and pink hexagons that require you to switch between all 3 ships and use their abilities to damage it. It's quite fun. Damage one ship takes is "saved" on that ship. So if you take 50% damage with the green ship and switch to the pink one, the pink one will have 100% health. But whenever you switch back to the green one, you will be back at 50% health. So mistakes have consequences requiring you to make decisions accounting for them without being too overbearing.
Beating the high scores for the associated arcades is very easy. For one, there is no time limit or pressure so you’re free to take your time and play carefully. On top of that, the mode is very generous with points. Whereas Alter Ego only gives you points for killing enemies and picking up bits (and you need to get and maintain a multiplier for decent times), System Cracker gives you points even for shooting obstacles and barricades in your way. In Alter Ego, I was scraping for points until the very end. In System Cracker, I had more than enough points by the halfway mark.
I suppose the game could have balanced this by increasing the points threshold and rewarding extra points for taking less time to complete sections but I’m not complaining.
The third and worst minigame is “Spark Chaser”. Here you must guide a little electric ball across these maze like areas with gaps that end your attempt if you fall down them and these pinball like bounce pads that bounce you really far. There’s also a time pressure. You have around 20 seconds to get as far as possible with more time added as you pick up these purple clock icons.
The biggest issue is that it’s entirely controlled by motion controls. And this makes me experience worse on VITA. Seriously, I very nearly quit playing. This post was almost titled “I gave up trying to Platinum Sly 4”.
With the PS3 version, at least titling the remote doesn’t also affect your view of the screen. You can look at the game and play it the same as you normally would. But in the VITA version, the “neutral” position where no input is registered by the system is placing the VITA flat with its screen facing up. The standard “screen facing you” position registers as down.
The end result is a frustrating experience. This minigame requires really fine precision given how easy it is to fall off and the time pressure requires you both be fast and more precise to collect time pickups. On top of that, your view is constantly being messed with due to how much you need to tilt the system from odd angles. Especially how tilting “up” really makes it hard to see. Oh, and the dialogue from Bentley as you bounce gets really annoying and repetitive.
It’s barely tolerable in regular missions since those don’t require as much precision or speed. And even then, the usage there in 2013 was suspect to begin with. I only completed this because there’s a cheese where if you can get enough time early on, you can then keep bouncing on certain pads which give around 20 points per bounce. When I played “normally”, I’d get around 300 points with the high score being 1000 points. Using the cheese, I averaged around 990 points and managed to get lucky to win with 1010 points.
Tangent Time:
I’ve said it before. Motion controls work best when they complement existing controls in an optional way or in more restrained ways. I love it when games have gyro aiming since that can help compensate when aiming with sticks with small fine corrections. It works here because the sticks do most of the work and the gyro sensors work where they are best suited.
Or in many mobile racing games, steering is often done by tilting your phone. I enjoy this because there is only one axis you need to tilt your phone, the screen often rotates in conjunction so your view is preserved and it’s more intuitive to feel the “range” of rotation and how it corresponds to steering.
Hell, even ignoring these approaches, motion can still be used in worthwhile ways. Such as by mapping an extra action that is infrequent if all other buttons are occupied. The Mario games on Wii map a “spin” when you jump and shake the remotes giving Mario a bit of grace allowing him to make slightly further jumps or correct a bad jump. Call of Duty MW1 on Wii allowed you to assign certain commands to custom motions of the controller and nunchuck. So you could map stuff like jumping, moving and shooting to buttons but map reloading to smacking the nunchuck to the Wii Mote or plunge the Wii Mote forward to do a melee attack or tilting the Wii Mote to bring out a grenade or alt fire.
Even Resistance 1: Fall of Man had a neat idea. You could quickly tilt the controller left to bring up the Scoreboard screen without needing to take your thumbs off the sticks or stop moving. The Soulsbourne games allow you to quickly do emotes without needing a menu by holding the interact button and quickly tilting the controller in certain directions.
I bring all this up to highlight how Sly 4’s use of motion controls are a failure on every level. They’re mostly used in place of minigames as the sole method of control. So all the issues of motion controls (such as the lack of broad control and feedback) are front and centre. The only place where the motion controls are understandable is when firing arrows as you can then control the arrow after it’s fired using both the sticks and gyro aiming. But even then, the lack of any ability to tune the gyro sensitivity or even invert the controls hampers any use it could have had.
I don’t mind the idea of Sly 4 having decent motion controls. There are places where I can see it being beneficial. In addition to shooting and guiding arrows, I can see it being useful when you have to use the binoculars. Especially as Bentley as you need to shoot darts precisely.
Or, here’s a gimmicky one: you can bind certain costumes or tools to also be selected by quickly tilting the system. Even though using the D-pad for a quick select would be faster, it would still be a better use of motion controls for Sly 4 than most of what’s currently there.
End Tangent.
Back to getting all the trophies, the final arcade machine, unlocked only when you’ve gotten all the treasures in every other episode, is very easy. It has “3 rooms”, one featuring every minigame thus far. But the high score requirements are really low and rooms aren’t as tough as prior versions. You can easily get the high score in the first area which is the Alter Ego one. Even if you miss it there, the second area is Spark Runner but you can keep reloading the checkpoint to preserve your score. So you can get some time clocks, reload a checkpoint when you’re close to running out of time or about to fall off and repeat until you get the high score.
You do need to get past the Spark Runner section to the 3rd and final section that uses System Cracker's gameplay in order to get a hidden Sly Mask, but it's far easier than the dedicated Spark Runner arcade minigame as the section is shorter, is more generous with Time Pickups, has easier level design and lets you reload a checkpoint if you're about to fail which doesn't end the run.
So yeah, Sly 4 Thieves in Time was....inconsistent game to platinum. I enjoyed the base gameplay, System Cracker, the various challenge trophies and the mini speedruns for collecting treasures. I didn't enjoy finding the collectibles and doing some of the other minigames. I hated Spark Runner.
If the game had more ways of tracking collectibles, fewer minigames and better load times, I'd gladly recommend it as a fun game to platinum.
As for the base game itself, I am mixed on it. The gameplay is arguably the best in the series. Sly's movement and costumes are so fun to play around with. Murray, Bentely and Sly's ancestors are also fun changes of pace during missions.
The story is lacking. My main issue is that it doesn't feel like it realizes its following up Sly 3. The story so casually undoes the ending of Sly 3 to get Sly 4's story going. I get it, that's what a sequel has to do. But the way it does it really undermines Sly 3. It's also much more lighthearted and doesn't have as much of a theme or focal point as its predecessors. Sly 1-3 explored the theme of legacy and the consequences of adhering to it so tightly. A major aspect of Sly 3 was Sly realizing the Cooper Vault wasn't worth dying for. It's what prompts him to fake his amnesia and retire with Carmilita in the end. So for Sly 4 to then have Sly have an itch to steal just for the fun of it, it's sending mixed messages here.
In addition, Sly is really casual about the fact Carmilita now knows about his betrayal and has broken up with him. Seems like that should have been a bigger deal. In fact, that kind of "casual-ness" persists throughout the story. Sly doesn't really have much of an arc or any real heartfelt moments with his ancestors. Nor do they seem to really care their decedent from the future is here with them.
If I could have tweaked the story to address these points, here's what I would have done:
I'd have the story open with Sly, Bentley and Murray enjoying their "retirement" and have no plans of thieving. I'd go so far as to have Sly even scoff at the idea of him ever wanting to be a thief. Then when the pages of the Thievus Racconus are dissapearing, Sly, Bentley and Murray have to reluctantly unretire to try stopping them. There would be dialogue during the opening mission of Sly being worried if they get caught as it would undo their happy ending. And then when Carmilita catches Sly, Sly at first is flustered and tries to explain the situation to Carmilita who isn't having any of Sly's BS. Sly is forcibly extracted by the gang and then they time travel. As they are time travelling. Sly is upset that, in order to go literally defend the Cooper Legacy, he has to give up his happy relationship and can't be repaired now. That even if they fix the problem, they'll be on the run forever now. Murray had to give up his professional career as well.
Already, I feel this introduction has a few things going for it. It respects the ending of Sly 3 and keeps the characters in more character, as well as putting more heat on Le Paradox. Sly 4 had to rip away the happy ending that was Sly 3. The characters know that and aren't happy about it. There is immediate consequences. And that heat can be directed at Le Paradox when he comes later.
I'd also like if all of the ancestors Sly met had different reactions to both him and the Cooper legacy and how it affects Sly's arc.
For example, lets say when he meets Riochi Cooper, Ricohi is initially disappointed in Sly as the future Cooper decendent as Sly doesn't act honourably or respect the legacy or something like this. Something that makes Sly start to question if it's even worth defending the Cooper Legacy. Bentely is the voice of reason here and mediator that gets the gang to work as well as they can.
Then when Sly meets Tennessee Cooper, Sly is initially expecting another traditionalist ancestor that cares a lot about the Cooper Legacy. But Tennessee is kinda the opposite of Riochi in that Tennasee doesn't care about the legacy in the same way. He adds his own spin and contributions but also uses the knowledge from it to do his own thing. Perhaps Tennessee is this Robin-Hood esque figure who uses his heisting skills to steal from the corrupt ruling class and give to the lower class. The point being that through Tennessee, Sly considers another aspect of the Cooper Legacy on how he's not that beholden to it and can potentially make it his own.
Then when Sly meets Bob, part of Bob's training is also from Sly as Sly teaches him some of the Cooper moves he knows. Since Bob is the first Cooper ancestor, he has no bias towards the legacy or any knowledge. So he's far more grateful and begins to use his new skills in helpful ways. Causing Sly to wonder if he could use the Cooper Legacy in more ways.
It's a similar situation for Sir Galleth. And for Selim, perhaps by that point, Sly has a newfound outlook and appreciation for the Cooper Legacy and ways on how he can improve it or make it his own that he encourages Selim not to retire or to retire in such a way where he could help people or something like that.
So yeah, there's this theme now of "Don't let the past define you now. You can make it your own and grow past its flaws". Which I feel would give Sly 4 more of a punch. I am basically copying Metal Gear Solid 4 and Assassin's Creed though.
I also feel it would be better if Penelope wasn't the villain of episode 4. It seems to contradict her character from past games and the explanation given for her heel turn doesn't really hold water. I feel the story would be better if Penelope had the role Dmitri has where she's their help in the present and the Knight was a new character. But if you need to have Penelope as the antagonist, have her be under mind control or something. That way the team has the conflict of how will they stop the plan without hurting their friend. But if you really insist on Penelope being a full on antagonist now by her own choice, perhaps flesh out her motivations more? Maybe something like "she sees how Bentley will never reach his full potential as the Bill Gates of the world because of his criminal past that requires him to lay low and not take public credit for his inventions. So she's trying to erase the Coopers so Bentley will have never met Sly". That would at least be more than "I want money".
Everything else, I feel works more or less.
I will note that the cliffhanger ending was a weird choice given that this game wasn't projected to sell well and kinda pigenholes any story Sly 5 would be going for. Plus, it being locked behind the platinum trophy means only a small portion of the few players that played Sly 4 would even know about it.
So yeah, that's my take on platinumming Sly 4: Thieves in Time. What do y'all think?
Next up for me is platinumming every Spider-Man game on PS VITA. See you then.

TLDR: We may or may not be able to get a heat pump. We are going to upgrade our attic insulation regardless. Does it make sense to get an "energy audit" done (as part of heat pump sizing and estimate) before we get attic insulation upgraded?
More detailed version:
We have a single level rural home of ~1200 square feet built in 1973. It was built during a period in which county level building codes were seemingly viewed as suggestions vs requirements ;-) The attic is poorly insulated and the crawl space is not insulated at all. We want to find out if we can get a whole house ducted heat pump system for our home or if we need to stick with a gas furnace. (Complications include inside utility space limitations and suitability of our current ductwork and of course $.)
We want to get the current attic insulation replaced either way.
The attic insulation is a mish mash of not much blown in fiberglass insulation that is in vague dusty drifts that leaves bare some of the ceiling drywall and a few thick fiberglass bats placed at seemingly random locations. We know that the attic insulation is a key weak point in keeping our home warm or cool and would like to have the old insulation removed and then replaced with LOTS of new blown in fiberglass insulation.
Our upgrade plans are to vastly improve the attic insulation, and then get bids on a ducted whole house heat pump, ideally to replace the current gas furnace entirely.
We contacted the only highly reviewed local HVAC folks who do insulation and duct projects AND who seem to have a clue about what a heat pump is to have them do an estimate on removing the old insulation and replacing it with new.
We would like the old insulation removed in order to have the current ductwork evaluated for heat pump suitability, to install soffit vent insulation riser baffles to keep the vents from being blocked by new fiberglass, and to potentially have some of the wiring in the attic that looks a bit like a macrame explosion checked out and tidied up by an electrician before replacing the old insulation with new.
The front desk scheduler for the HVAC company we interacted with strongly encouraged us to do what they refer to as an "energy audit" ($99) as part of having an estimate done for the attic insulation work since they would want to do that before doing an estimate for a heat pump. They were unable to tell us if or how that audit related to a Manual J, S, D, or T but were quite enthusiastic about their using some way cool infrared guns.
Since we are definitely going to have the attic insulation replaced regardless of whether we get a heat pump or not, we asked if it made sense to do that "audit" before the attic insulation is upgraded. She insisted that it could be done accurately with the insulation as is now even though that does not represent what the insulation level would be in the future.
Does that make sense or not?
I don't mind paying the money (they deserve at least that for crawling around in our attic ;-) but it seems silly to potentially do it both before and after our attic insulation upgrade.

A selection of items “on special” this week in Coles and Woolworths that may be of interest to some keto followers. Most are processed so not really suitable for “clean keto”. Victorian data, some may not be available interstate. Alcohol (except no carb beer) excluded. Drink prices exclude recycling deposits. If you are doing an online order, also look at the stores' ONLINE ONLY specials as I don't always include all of these, many are multibuys.
‘Locked prices’ might now be considered specials as unlocked prices have increased, but same every week til July so not included as ‘specials’.

COLES

Well Naturally chocolate has moved to the Confectionery aisle. Website still stuffed so may have missed items of interest. Please add in comments if you find anything. Does anyone here work for Coles?

• Aeroplane - Jelly Lite $1.95
• Bread/Wraps - Herman Brot 600g $6
• Bread/Wraps - Simson's Pantry Low Carb Keto 5 pack 200g 2 for $10, Low Carb High Protein 5 pack 225g 2 for $9
• Butter - Devondale 250g $4.50, Lurpak 250g $5.30, Coles 500g $6.90
• Butter - Maharaja Choice Ghee 300g $5
• Cheese - Always cheddar cheese block or slices on special
• Cheese - Babybel Mini Cheese 200g $9., Laughing Cow Cheese 128g $4, Bega Cheese Stringers Original 8 Pack 160g $5
• Cheese - Perfect Italiano Melting mozzarella/mexican 450g $7, Perfect Italiano Parmesan 125g $3.50
• Cheese - Tasmanian Heritage Camembert 250g $10
• Chocolate - Lindt 2 for $8.50
• Confectionery - Eclipse Mints 40g $2.80 artificial sweeteners, Double D Smart 50g $2.20, Jols $1.50 maltitol
• Cream - Ayams coconut 270ml $2.30, Valcom 400ml $2
• Cream - Meander Valley 200ml $3.80
• Dips - Always something on special - all brands have high and low carbs
• Dips - Black swan Classic Dip 200g 2 for $6.50,
• Drinks - Coca Cola 24x375ml $20,
• Drinks - Kirks $1.40, 10 cans $6.95
• Drinks - Lipton's iced tea 2 for $6.50 peach or lemon no sugar
• Drinks - Ocean Spray 5% Juice low sugar 1.5 Litre $4.85
• Drinks - Pepsi Max or Solo 1.25L $1.70,
• Drinks - Schweppes 1.1L $1.50 zero of no sweetener,
• Drinks, energy - Red bull 8x250ml $9.50 half price,
• Drinks, kombucha -- Remedy 4x250ml $6.50, Nexba 1L $4.95, Nexba 4 pack $6.90
• Drinks, no sweetener - Bubly 8 cans $7.50, Schweppes 10 cans $7.50, Dash 4 pack $6.30
• Fish - Fresh Tasmanian Salmon Portions Skin On $29kg
• Fish - John west Tuna Tempters 95g $1.35, Wild Scottish Mackeral 125g $3
• Fish - Sole Mare Portuguese Style Sardines In EV Olive Oil 120g $2.40
• Fish - Thawed blue grenadier $12kg
• Ice cream - Denada tubs and sticks 2 for $20 ONLINE ONLY
• Mayonnaise - Kewpie 300g $4.30 in Asian area, S&W whole egg 440g $6.30
• Meat - Australian Lamb Half Leg Roast bone in $12kg, Boneless shoulder $18kg, Bone in $13kg
• Meat - Australian Pork Belly Roast Boneless $16kg, Pork ribs $16kg, Boneless pork shoulder $9kg
• Meat - Beef Corned Silverside $11kg
• Meat - Chicken drumsticks $4kg, Whole chicken $4.50kg,
• Meat - Don kabana $3.30 from deli
• Meat - Free Range Rspca Approved Chicken Breast Fillets Large Pack $13kg
• Meat - Graze Grass Fed oyster blade $22.50kg
• Meat - Hans Twiggy Sticks $23.50kg from deli
• Meat - Pork mince 500g 2 fr $10
• Meat - Primo Middle Bacon 750g $11pk, Streaky Bacon $17kg from deli, Shortcut from deli $16kg
• Meat - Rocco's Smokey Bacon & Cheese Sausages 450g $7
• Milk - Rokeby Farms Fit Milk $2
• Milk - Suncoast Gold Macadamia UHT 1L $3 note contains vanilla but not on label
• Milk, almond - Vitasoy fridge $3, Inside Out fridge $3 (Woollies cheaper)
• Nuts - Coles natural macadamias 400g $15, Market Land smoked almonds 500g $8
• Oil, EV olive - Cobram Estate Aust 750ml $10.80, Coles 3L can $28, La Espanola 1L Organic $13, La Espanola mild 1L $9.50
• Peanut butter - Sanitarium 375g $3.50
• Pickles - Fehlbergs Burger Pickles 490g $4
• Protein bars/cookies - BSC 60g $3.15 maltitol
• Protein powder - Coles Perform 35g 2 for $4
• Sauce, pasta - Val Verde passata 700ml $2.50 , Mutti varieties 40g $4
• Sauce - Valcom Curry Paste 210g-240g $3.40, Massaman 08.8/100g, Thai Green 05.3, Thai Panaeng 03.8, Ayams 185g $3.20, Mai Ploy green 50g $1
• Snacks - Don Donski pork crackle 50g $2.50, Master 50g $2
• Snacks, sweet - Atkins 20 pack cherry coconut in big size area $20 maybe less. (maltitol_
• Spice - Mingle better gravy 120g $4.40 higher carbs
• Stock/Bone broth - Campbells Real UHT 1L $2.25, half price
• Sweetener - Natvia Gold 250g $6.80 E&S
• Syrup - Natvia maple syrup 250ml $5.50
• Tea - Dilmah Inspiration spiced rooibos 20 pack $3
• Yoghurt, flavoured - Chobani Greek no sugar 2 for $4, Danono Yo pro Perfor 20g protein 175g $1.85 half price
• Yoghurt, flavoured - Chobani Fit 15g protein 170g $2.15
• Yoghurt, plain - Chobani Greek Yogurt 907g whole milk $6.30

WOOLWORTHS

30% off PranaOn, Keep It Cleaner & Bodiez# #Excludes Bounce Multi Packs, Keep It Cleaner Bars

• Aeroplane - Jelly Lite $2 look for watermelon, blueberry, grape
• Avalanche - Hot chocolate 10 pack $4.40 higher carbs
• Beer - Steersman Blonde Low Carb Bottles 6x330ml 2 for $22 ??? carbs, Better Beer zero carbs 6 pack $18
• Bread/Wraps - Simson's Pantry High Protein Low Carb Wraps 5 Pack $4.40
• Butter - Devondale 250g $4.20
• Butter - Mainland organic NZ 250g $4.50
• Cheese - Always cheddar cheese block or slices on special
• Cheese - Bega Cream 225g block $3,
• Cheese - Castello varieties 150g $6.50, Tasmanian Heritage 125g $5.65
• Cheese - King Island 200g $7.50
• Cheese - King Island Brie or Camembert 175-200g $9.50
• Cheese - Melbourne Cheese co marinated fetta varieties 250g $7.50, Castello Greek 450g $5.50
• Cheese - Perfect Italiano 450g melting mozzarella, mexican $7
• Cheese - Picon corners cream 120g $2.50, Babybel 100g $5
• Chocolate - Lindt Excellence $3.30
• Chocolate - Well Naturally 90g bars or coated almonds $3.50
• Crackers - Olina simply seed 80g $3.50
• Cream - Bulla Double 200g $4
• Dips - Always something on special - all brands have high and low carbs
• Dips - Yumi's $3.50, Chris heritage %7.50
• Drinks - Bickfords diet cordial 750ml $4 try Tropical good sweeteners
• Drinks - Coca Cola, Sprite Fanta diet 1.25L $1.70, 30 cans $24.95
• Drinks - Cottees Diet cordial 1l $2.95 half price
• Drinks - Ocean Spray 5% Juice low sugar 1.5 Litre $4.90
• Drinks - Pepsi Max, Pepsi, Solo Zero, or Raspberry Zero 12 x 450ml bottles $10
• Drinks - Pepsi, Solo Zero, Sunkist Zero 24 x 375ml $19, 12x450ml bottles $10
• Drinks - Schweppes 1.1L $1.50 zero or Unsweetened
• Drinks, energy - Monster Energy 4 x 500ml $6.92, NEW C4 473ml $3.80, Gatorade or G active 600ml $2.30
• Drinks, kombucha – Lo Bros 4 pack $6, Remedy prebiotic 4 pack $6,
• Drinks, no sweetener - Mt Franklin 1.25l $1.35, Strangelove 4 pack $7.20
• Fish - Brunswick sardines 106g $2, Kippers $1.65
• Fish - Just Caught Frozen Atlantic salmon no skin $29kg
• Fish - Paramount wild Alaskan pink salmon 415g $7.50
• Fish - Sirena tuna 95g $2.30 try Aldi slices in O oil
• Ice blocks - Twisted Raw C coconut Lychee 4 pack $5.50
• Mayonnaise - Hellmans Real 400g $6
• Meat - Beef Mince 500g $7
• Meat - Bertocchi Gold varieties Bacon 400g $8 (thin & crispy middle is my fave) Shortcut from deli $15kg, Streaky from deli $18kg
• Meat - Chicken maryland $7kg, Free Range drumsticks $6kg, Drumsticks large pack $4kg, loose $4.50kg
• Meat - Don Sliced Meats 160-200g $3.20, Primo varieties 2 for $6.30
• Meat - Lamb midloin chops $23kg
• Meat - Luv a duck legs 500g $10
• Meat - Macro Free Range Australian Fresh Whole Plain Chicken $4.50kg
• Meat - Primo Kransky Double Smoked or Cheese – From the Deli $10.80kg half price
• Meat - Woolworths COOK precooked Slow Cooked Chicken Breast in Creamy Mushroom Sauce 700g $12 6.3g/serve
• Meat - Woolworths COOK precooked Shanghai Style Pork Belly 600g $12 separate sauce reduce carbs by ditching most of the sauce
• Meat - Woolworths COOK precooked Slow Cooked Pork Knuckle $10kg
• Meat - Woolworths COOK Slow Cooked Beef Brisket in a BBQ Sauce 700g $15.50 ditch most of the sauce
• Meat - Woolworths Cook Slow Cooked Butterflied Beef 700g $15
• Milk, almond - Almond Breeze UHT $2, Australia's Own UHT $1.85, Almo fridge $5.50, Inside Out fridge $2.25 stock up half price long dates, Sanitarium fridge $3.30
• Milk, coconut - Australia’s Own UHT $1.90
• Oil - Coco Earth liquid coconut oil 500ml $11
• Oil - The Grove EV avocado 250ml $8.50
• Oil, EV olive - Monini 750ml $13. Moro 500ml $7.80, Red Island Aust 1L $16
• Peanut butter - Mayvers 375g 2 for $9, Pics $5 (online only), Bega Simply Nuts $4.40, Noya almond butters $7.20, Skippy no added sugar 450g $2.75 USA jhalf price
• Pickles -
• Protein bars/cookies - BSC, Noway, Bounce Load up 30% off, QUEST PB cups $2.40 half price, Quest cookies $2.40 ONLINE ONLY
• Protein drinks - Bodiez Protein Water Powder 290g $24.50, Premixes cans and bottles 30% off
• Protein powder - Keep it cleaner protein 375g $23.10
• Sauce - MasterFoods Reduced sugarTomato or Barbecue Sauce 475-500ml (some maltitol) $1.90 half price
• Sauce - Pataks curry pastes 283g $4 check carbs
• Sauce, pasta - Leggos Providore Tomato & Chilli 400g $5 lowest carb not hot
• Sauve, hot - Franks red hot buffalo 148g $3.50, Byron Bay varieties 150ml $4.20, Bull's-eye Chilli Louisiana Style Chipotle Cajun Spices 135ml $4, Frank's Redhot Original Thick 368ml $5, Nandos peri peri 250g $6
• Snacks - D'orsogna Tasty Sticks 400g $9.75, From deli $25kg dearer
• Snacks - Normandie Pate Chicken & Black Peppercorns 150g $4.60
• Snacks - O olive oil roasted seaweed 4 pack $2.75
• Snacks, sweet - Aussie Bodies 4 pack $8, Atkins 5 pack $7.50 (maltitol)
• Soup - Hart & Soul konjac noodles pho100g mug size $1.50
• Spices - Mingle Seasoning 35-50g $2.47 half price
• Stock/Bone broth - Maggie Beer 500ml stock $4, Campbells bone 500ml, $7, Hart & Soul bone 350g $3.50
• Sweetener - Natvia E&S 350g $7.50, Whole Earth E&MF 200g $7.10, Truvia E&S 360g $8
• Syrup - Lakanto monkfruit golden malt, or vanilla bakers syrup 300ml $7
• Syrup - Natvia Choc Topping No Added Sugar 250ml $2.85 half price
• Tahini - Mayvers gulled 385g $5.20
• Yoghurt, flavoured - Chobani Fit 15g protein $2.15
• Yoghurt, flavoured - Chobani no sugar 680g $5.40
• Yoghurt, plain - Chobani Greek Natural Whole Milk 907g $6.30

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Yesterday I replaced the thermostat on my 2010 Mini Cooper S. After replacing it the check engine light wasn't on. I drove it for about 50 miles then it came on. It doesn't appear that there are any leaks and the coolant seems to be staying at the same level. I took it to AutoZone and they said the car was throwing a code for the thermostat. Anyone else have this issue and where did you start looking? Is it normal for this to happen and you have to let it cycle a few times?

With the reductions in prices in the new year and other vehicle issues, I have taken an actual job, it’s not good bye forever it’s goodbye for now , it’s weird how much money I have saved without buying at least 5 tanks of gas this week alone, I did pick up a comparable priced job as a casino dealer which I had previous experience, stay strong kings and queens

After a relaxing European vacation with one of his employees, Mark Schaming, director of the New York State Museum, is back and ready to get to work. All who know the man will tell you that he's displayed new energy and ambition after Chris Churchill of the Times Union insinuated that he is unfit in his job as director of the New York State Museum. As Mr. Churchill writes:

The full-sized carousel, up on the fourth floor, has been closed for maintenance for years. The museum's famous subway car is also off-limits, with a sign telling visitors it's closed for repairs. Discovery Place, the building's hands-on learning center for young kids, is also closed.
Those aren't the only disappointments. The State Museum no longer offers a restaurant or any sort of fresh food, forcing visitors to line up at vending machines to quell their grumbling tummies. Some escalators and elevators are out of service. The museum, on the whole, feels forgotten.

From the imposing stone edifice of the Cultural Education Center, Mr. Schaming is cognizant of the cries of the people. This reporter can confirm from a recent visit that Discovery Place has reopened after only three years of closure. JP O'Hare, a spokesperson for the State Museum, explained the long closure, saying that "the pandemic forced us to rethink touchable exhibits."
Visitors to the newly reopened Discovery Place will see that the State Museum has taken to heart rethinking touching exhibits, as it is clear the room has been largely untouched after years of "rethinking" and "renovation." From a cursory glance, it seems to me that the only changes are the removal of all books, toys, puzzles, handouts, and staff.
Now, as a scattering of sources indicate, the New York State Museum approaches its pièce de résistance, the reopening of its carousel which has been closed since 2019. After much digging, it appears the cause of the closure was some minor damage the carousel experienced when it violently (and potentially lethally?) exploded during regular operation. Thinking it unsafe to have metal suspension beams swinging about and shrapnel flying as children rode the carousel, a repair effort was initiated.
The century-old artifact was ridden into the ground (or, technically, helicoptered into the air) once due to poor operating conditions, but the people of Albany ought feel confident that mistakes were learned from. Previously the carousel was operated nearly constantly and without proper care in place to keep the artifact balanced. Although unconfirmed, word is that now the carousel will be operated nearly constantly and without proper care in place to keep the artifact balanced. It is said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, but I call going in circles a carousel.
Fortunately for the carousel, it looks like staffing constraints will interfere with the planned constant operation of the carousel. This is being swiftly addressed by Mr. Schaming, though not by hiring new staff. Rather, as at least one source indicated, Mr. Schaming is currently interested in changing the job descriptions of people in different departments to include carousel operation.
It may seem strange that Mr. Schaming is reticent to staff his museum, but the reader must understand the important considerations behind these decisions. One must first be aware that in 2015 the New York State Museum received $14 million in funds for a massive three to four year renovation. As Paul Grondahl of the Times Union wrote in 2015:

The State Museum will undergo a $14 million renovation that will dramatically re-imagine the exhibits with dynamic technology, interactive displays and a fresh form of narrative storytelling.
When the work is finished in three to four years, it will represent the largest upgrade to the capital city's most popular tourist attraction since it opened in 1976 at the newly built Empire State Plaza.

The expected completion date is in the rear view mirror, and it's now common knowledge that the $14 million gas tank is mostly fumes. Although it has been difficult to unravel exact information, best evidence suggests that currently the State Museum has $5 million still in the pocket. It's time for tightening the belt, and part of that looks to be staffing cuts.
One may be concerned that Mark Schaming, director of the New York State Museum, is having difficulty performing his job. Fortunately the director of the New York State Museum is overseen by the Deputy Commissioner of Cultural Education, who is also Mark Schaming.
One may then be concerned that Mark Schaming, director of the New York State Museum and Deputy Comissioner of Cultural Education, is having difficulty performing his two jobs. Fortunately the director of the New York State Museum who is also the Deputy Commissioner of Cultural Education is overseen by Sharon Cates-Williams. Ms. Williams, who herself holds the two jobs of Deputy Commissioner of Performance Improvement & Management Services (PIMS) and Executive Deputy Commissioner, stated to Mr. Churchill on the matter:

I think he's doing a good job wearing two hats. It does not interfere with the core mission of the museum, and it's a decision that we stand by.

One may then be concerned that Sharon Cates-Williams, herself wearing two hats and self-supervising, may have some biases. Fortunately the Deputy Commissioner of PIMS who is also the Executive Deputy Commissioner reports to Betty A. Rosa, the Commissioner of Education.
Dr. Rosa has served as Commissioner of Education since 2021 when she, as Chancellor of the Board of Regents, elected herself Commissioner of Education. Unlike others, she gave up her former position as Chancellor of the Board of Regents upon her self-election. It is unclear how she feels about others who do not likewise content themselves with wearing only one hat.
Perhaps we soon will have an opportunity to ask Dr. Rosa. Although details are sparse, it has been indicated that Mr. Schaming is planning a victory celebration for managing to successfully reopen the carousel after four years. Specifics on the event and even the exact date have been infuriatingly kept under wraps, but it is speculated that Mark Schaming and Betty A. Rosa plan to celebrate this monumental occasion by giving speeches and riding on the carousel with elementary school students.
We can safely say that the sun is rising on the New York State Museum. After only four years the State Museum has managed to successfully "renovate" Discovery Place through the power of downsizing and is on the cusp of reopening the carousel under the same conditions which led to its prior destruction. With only $5 million remaining in the pocket and only running about five years behind schedule on a grand renovation, who knows what wonders we can expect in the years to come.

Welcome to Green Valley

Four Merry Jaunts Through in the Bumpkin Quest Campaign

It’s a big world filled with far off folks who have far off problems. In the quaint farming town of Hills Furrow that has certainly not been the case. Here life is simple, local, and paced by the seasons. There ain’t been a need for “Venturers” and their ilk since your Papaw was just a sprout. However, the winds of change are blowin, and things are about to git just a bit more exciting round these parts.
Welcome to Green Valley, The down-home home of Rural Fantasy Misadventures and Grass-Roots Shenanigans. The Valley is Filled with Colorful Characters, Brimming with Odd Ball Neighbors, and has more than a few Local Yokels. Welcome to Bumpkin Quest. These adventures are intended to be a series of silly adventures that all go awry in some way or another and stir up trouble throughout a peaceful little village that has in many ways been overlooked by the troubles of the world “outside”.
CHAPTER 1: Green Tide CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent CHAPTER 4: High Society
ADVENTURE MECHANICS - Target Character Level: Commoners - Level 1 - Target Party Size: Four Players - Average Adventure Playtime: 1-2 Hours - Tone: Rural Misadventures
I’ve also put these adventures into a PDF that includes our Bumpkin Quest: Campaign Guide which fills in the details of Green Valley pretty thoroughly. The quests are simple enough to be run in any setting you choose, but if you're interested in more the Guide as over a dozen Custom Maps, 70+ NPCs, Location Descriptions, 20+ Local Legends, and Scores of Adventure and Event Ideas. You can grab the PDF Free at the link above.

Hills Furrow

At the center of the Valley sits a patch of small grassy hills, through which the Slow Water meanders through. Built into these hills is the Village of Hills Furrow. Celebrated by everyone living in The Valley and boasting a whopping population of almost 150, Hills Furrow is the center of commerce and social importance. Well, at least as far as the locals are concerned. Realistically it would be less than a blip on the grand scale of things, a mere kernel of wheat in the silo of civilization, but to those who live here, there is nothing quite like living in the “city”.
The Village itself, like the Valley, is predominantly Halfling, and their fancy dwellings are burrowed into the hillsides as often as possible. These dwellings have been family owned for generations only becomeing available if there are no heirs to pass them along to. Other folk live in well kept two story shingled buildings, most of which house a business on the lower floor and house the Shopkeepers and their families above their workplaces, though a few live in nearby homes. There aren’t many “rental” spaces in town, as property is usually bought up quickly by the Halfling Families, but there are long term options at either of the Inns in town.
Hills Furrow: Locations 1) The Crocked Crow (Inn and Tavern) 2) The Dancing Lamb (Inn and Tavern) 3) The Moaning Toad (Tavern) 4) Granny's Groceries (General Market) 5) Get Nailed (Hardware and Distilery) 6) Gimdurh's Hammer (Smithy) 7) Brenra's Mechanicals (Tinker) 8) Hjoldren's Home Goods (Carpenter) 9) Standard Industries (Office) 10) Fit to be Dyed (Tailor) 11) The Last Loaf (Baker) 12) The Cloudy Cleaver (Butcher) 13) Nature's Medecine (Apothecary) 14) Sheriff's Office 15) Green Valley School House 16) The Waterwheel 17) The Windmill 18) The Undercloak Estate 19) Truefoot Burrow 20) The Meadows Family Hill
The people themselves are hospitable and friendly enough, but they do not really trust outsiders. Folks from foreign places are good for trade, news, and little else. Those that come through are treated well enough as long as they don’t wear out their welcome. Locals, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The city and area doesn’t operate under a written caste system or social structure, but there is clearly a pecking order, and family heritage matters a great deal to folks in Hills Furrow. Most locals, whether they’ve gotten an education or not, can easily be classified as simple. It isn’t that they are slow of mind or unintelligent, but more that they are unconcerned with matters the outside world considers important. This sentiment has created a general, but friendly, dislike between those that consider themselves Highfalutin and those that clearly are not.
Well now that I've given you the fifty cent tour. Shall we get on to adventure?

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide

We will open our journeys in the Green Valley at Green Tide, the annual celebration of Winter’s End. This adventure is designed to give a tour of Hills Furrow and introduce them to the locals. It will begin with some chores around their house to prepare for the festival and end with a battle involving an enchanted broom. If you did not do Session Zero, this chapter may take a bit longer as we get to know everyone and their characters.

ACT 1: Pre-Festival

The locals spend the week cleaning out their houses and farms. They gather old junk and unused items to be used later in the festival. They also begin preparing what food is left from winter to be used in a celebration and feasts.
Things to do! - Have the Players clean up junk around the house - Have them Find something strange (Perhaps used for a later mystery?) - Have them Decorate their Broom - Have them run a Household Errand (Meet an NPC)

ACT 2: Sweeping Day

A merry festival celebrating Spring cleaning and putting the past behind them. They form a parade, with one member from each house carrying a brightly decorated broom and using it to symbolically “Sweep Away Winter”. The rest of the family marches their winter’s trash and unused goods down to the Fairgrounds. The goods are often traded, while the trash is piled in the fire pit to await burning later. The entire day is filled with fun outdoor activities. Households also symbolically bring their problems to the bonfires to burn them later.
Things to do! - March in the Parade - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals
EVENT: I Love a Parade
The parade will march North from near the Cross Roads in the South up around the hill and back again to the South where it will head for the Fairgrounds. There isn’t anything particularly challenging about this event, but it would be a wonderful place to start leaning into or building local rivalries.
EVENT: Never Seen a Broom Do That… As they come into the home stretch of the Parade one of the local’s Brooms will animate and take off. It will chase folks around the parade. The players can attempt to stop it, but the broom will flee soon after being attacked. It will fly up into the air, attack a flock of geese, and chase them off until it can’t be seen anymore. They can go and collect a fallen goose if they wish. I highly recommend giving it a motorcycle type sound as it flies around hitting folks. Maybe even going as far as giving it a rough gravel angry voice and letting it insult people.

ACT 3: Winter’s End

Winter’s End is a Combination of Groundhog’s Day and Fasnacht, this day gets a little wild. The Festival kicks off at dawn with the Great Gopher Hunt. Gophers are well known spies for The Voice of Winter and thus need to be hunted before they can tell The Voice to delay Spring. Gophers themselves are quite tasty, and are notoriously bad for crops, so this works out economically all around. Throughout the rest of the day families continue to contribute to the Bonfire Pile which often gets quite large. At dusk a large effigy of The Voice of Winter is placed on top of the pile. Once the sun has fully set they light the fire and burn the Effigy. Folk usually dress darkly during the day and brightly at night. After the burning they feast on sweets and treats that were made from goods saved up from winter storage.
Things to do! - The Great Gopher Hunt - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals - The Fairground’s Activities
EVENT: The Great Gopher Hunt The Hunt begins at dawn and takes place all over the Valley. Locals race to collect as many Gophers as possible. It is easiest to kill the Gopher, but there are some that find that distasteful. Instead they live trap the critters. It is a bit tougher to do so, but an option should your players wish. This is most easily played out as a series of appropriate Skill Checks, in which the higher they score the more gophers they obtain.
EVENT: Trash Removal They may find some locals willing to pay them to help cart junk down to the bonfire pile. Not a lot of skill involved in this, but it is a great opportunity to meet locals, and you could throw a runaway cart at them.
Fair Activities They will probably want to take part in Fairground Activities. Players love these types of challenges. Here are a few ideas you can build on. - Axe Throwin: Basic attack rolls on a Round Target. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Bow Shootin: Basic attack rolls on Moving Targets. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Pig Chasin: Catch the greased Pig! Medium DC Challenge requiring three success before three Failures. - Mud Wrastlin: Nothing says bumpkin like a good Mud Wrastlin Pit. Contested Skill Challenges. - Sausage Eating Contest: Increasingly difficult DC Challenge. Eat till you puke! Can also be Pies or Ribs or Little Fish… you know whatever someone wants to stuff dozens of in their gullet. - Tug O’War: Team Strength Challenge. Three to Five Contested Rolls with opposing teams. - Gopher BBQ Cook Off: A Hard Culinary Challenge to see who can BBQ the best Gopher! - Races: Foot and Mount Races based on Three to Five Contested Rolls. I usually include a few odd mounts like a Giant Chicken or some such nonsense.

ACT 4: Day of Ashes

The Day of Ashes is a day of rest, recovery, and reflection. Locals take the ashes from the bonfires and rub their hands in them to symbolize the end of a hard year’s work and hardships of the past. The day ends with a large family feast, typically Pork. Activities this day are light, but many folks head to the Temple for the Calling of Spring Blessings. They put on their fancies and head down to ask forgiveness for over-indulging in the festival and for worship. Well sort of…
Unfortunately, a lot of folks take this as an opportunity to peacock about and practice their one-upmanship over other locals. If you’re looking for inspiration for their outfits look to older photos of the Kentucky Derby. Over the years this troubling practice has caused more than one fight to break out after the service.
*Things to do! * - Go to Temple and Meet More Locals - Pick a Local Patron!
EVENT: Temple Services
The majority of the town comes to Temple on this day. The service is usually longer, and a bit more “Where have most of you been all year?” But otherwise it is a call for the Divine Blessings to touch their crops and protect their lives. It ends with a ceremony in which the locals put their hands into the ashes from yesterday’s bonfire. Once services end they will head outside, where the trouble will begin. Two of the wealthier families will get into it with each other. Starting with a couple of veiled insults, probably before service and continuing afterward. If one of your players is from a local Rich Folk family then they can be right in the middle of it all, otherwise they will have to pick a side. This choice will determine their house Patron moving forward. Tension will increase until folks start drawing up sides, and then someone will throw a rotten tomato at one of the House Matrons. That will blow the lid off the incident and a yokel brawl will break out. For comedy purposes I recommend the instant appearance of several food carts filled with expired products, and maybe a six year old hustler selling big sticks for wacking folks with. As the locals brawl call for perception checks. Who ever rolls highest begins to hear… The Broom returning!
ENCOUNTER: Stick In The Eye
The broom returns ready to whoop some ash. It will be absolutely bent on cleaning anyone and everyone who is even the slightest bit dirty! If it successfully attacks a character they will have to make a Strength Saving throw or be knocked to the ground and swept clean by the broom. As this would be an awful omen for the year folks are terrified and will be running around screaming. Absolute mass hysteria. If the players were lucky enough to hear it coming they can avoid being surprised by the broom. Otherwise the broom will get a full round to attack before they have a chance to do anything. They’ll have to beat the broom into submission any way they can before it sweeps the whole town into chaos!

CLOSING

After defeating the broom things will settle back down again. Bumpkins are quick to return to normal when things go awry. However, they will have gotten the attention of one of the Wealthy Families in the area and be offered jobs. Which family is really, based on what will work best for them and you as the DM. For gags you might be tempted to have the Yokels pick them up, but that is a hard bit to sustain, and you may be better served keeping them on the side as a comic foil rather than up front. Completely up to you. The session should end with them being invited to meet their new patron tomorrow someplace important.

CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens

After successfully defeating the Enchanted Broom, our Bumpkins have gained the attention of a possible local Patron. This individual has summoned them to a nearby farm to discuss future work. That work includes proving themselves capable and not just lucky.

ACT 1: Meet the Boss

In this Act the players will meet with their new patron, one of the Family Heads, who that is entirely depends on their choices from the last game. This entire side branch is designed to flavor the background of the campaign, but if you’d rather just have them stay freelancing and independent that’s fine as well. There is also the possibility of “competing” offers should they have second thoughts for any reason. Once they arrive at the meeting spot their Patron will ask them some questions about their ambitions (Class Goals), they will then hand them off to their new “boss” who will assign them their task. They will take them to a nearby barn.
NEW NPC: “Boss”
Needs a fitting name for the Family they work for...
Character wise, what we got here is a standard “Ranch Foreman” character. They’re tough, A little mean, and completely loyal to their employer. They almost certainly chew tobacco (by the handful), have a tattoo of the Ranch’s Brand, and know where all the bodies are buried. They also have a huge and obvious scar on the side of their head where a Giant Chicken pecked a hole in their skull, so they’re not as bright as they used to be, not at all truthfully. Nor are they actually the Foreman anymore, but no one has a heart to tell them. They’ve been quietly downgraded to Chicken Handler, which is something they seem to remember quite well, but the brain damage keeps them from realizing all that. They can be found wandering the Farm giving strange orders to other Hands. These Hands nod politely and then go back to what they are doing.
Things To Do! - Meet Their Patron - Discuss Their Future - Meet Their New “Boss”

ACT 2: Chicken Dance

Boss will lead them into the odd looking barn. This building is filled with Giant Chickens. These two-three foot fouls have extremely exaggerated features, spiky looking beaks with sharp tooth like edges, big darting eyes, bumpy cracked skin, long gnarled talons, and dirty mottled feathers. They’re more beast than bird. But, they’re good for eatin! These creatures should have a stat block similar to an Axe Beak. When the players enter into the Barn the Chickens will go nuts, obviously deeply bothered by the intrusion. Boss will throw in some deer haunches and the birds will tear them apart in a feeding frenzy. They will then put on a Chicken Suit and begin a flapping dance. (Google Magnificent Riflebird) It should be absolutely captivating and the chickens will become mesmerized, watching every move. Boss will then load two dozen chickens onto a large wagon and lock it. They will have the players push the wagon out while he keeps the Chickens calm. Once outside they’ll hang heavy tarps on the sides of the wagon, and remove the suit. He will then explain to them that they need to keep the tarps on the wagon, and keep the birds well fed, or the chickens will get restless and become violent. When they do need to interact with them someone will have to wear the suit and dance to keep them calm. The bigger the person in the suit the better. Boss will then give them a Map of Green Valley and instruct them to drop off two chickens at each of the outer settlements. They have two days to get this done.
Things To Do! - Head into the barn - Witness The Dance of The Chicken - Push the Wagon out - Get the Costume and Delivery Instructions

ACT 3: Bumpy Roads

They will be off to deliver the Chickens to various locations. There is no specific order to this delivery, they just need to pick a route and go. If they’re short on time they can take the country roads that lead between the outer settlements, but these aren’t as well kept as the main roads are. Whatever road they take and wherever they decide to stop for the night there are problems they will encounter along the way. You can make them random or pick the ones that best suit your players. Most of these should at some point require someone putting on the suit and dancing for the chickens to keep them calm. I would also increase the difficulty of each event. If they fail a dance the Chickens will become restless and start attacking the cart until they are calmed down. Too many failures and the wagon’s cage will break and the remaining chickens escape. They will then have to be rounded up and the cage repaired.
Things to Do - Decide the delivery route - Deliver the chickens - Keep the Chickens calm
Possible Road Events 1) Rough roads cause problems 2) Yokels attempt to see what’s in the cart 3) Bad Weather swamps the road or scares the chickens 4) Pack of Coyotes causes trouble. 5) Chicken Rustlers! Protect the Flock! 6) Wagon breaks and needs repair 7) Cows in the road, someone’s herd is out. 8) Broken Bridge, not gone, just broken

ACT 4: Final Delivery

They’re now closing in on the final delivery. Something needs to happen here to cause them to put the suit on. Or maybe they never took it off! I love that idea, that one of your players just loves the suit and wants to be a chicken… lol… Anyway I’m a fan of having them need to get out of the suit for some reason, maybe a bathroom break, or they stand on a fire ant hill, or a snake slithers up their leg. You know something silly and fun. BUT the zipper is stuck! So they’ll have to try and unstick it and fast! Whatever happens they’re going to get shot at by some hunters looking for a big score who have mistaken the flailing caused by the stuck zipper to be the chicken attacking. After dealing with the Hunters they can go ahead and make the final drop. And head home.
Things to Do! - Head for the final delivery - Get shot at! - Deliver the last chickens
ENCOUNTER: That’s a BIG Chicken!
Having two hunters in the field is more than enough to cause a problem for the players. The hunters will almost certainly surprise the players, but you can allow them a perception check, if they succeed they’ll see the hunters just before the muskets go off. It would be OK to down the Chicken Player here if the hunters successfully hit it. They’ll have healer’s kits on hand because, well, this seems to happen to them a lot out here. After the initial attack the players can decide to attack back or try and talk the hunters down. A basic Bandit or Scout stat block should do will for the hunters. If you’re looking for a bit more mayhem, if the hunters miss the players you could have them hit the cage, and you know, bust it open. This may be especially tempting if they
POSSIBLE ENCOUNTER: Big Ol' Frog
So there is a giant frog hiding in the mud down in the creek. If a player takes cover behind the banks there is a good chance that the frog will attempt to nab the player as a snack. If it is successful in grabbing a player with its tongue it will immediately head down river, and they'll have to chase it to get their friend back.

CLOSE

When they return, Boss will reward them. How much will depend on how successful they were delivering the birds. If they did a descent job, they will be paid two day’s wages each. If they were completely successful they can have a bonus. However, if the wagon is in bad shape they might have some money deducted. After they’re paid out, they will be dismissed, and told to expect a new assignment next week.

CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent

After successfully delivering chickens Boss is going to trust them with a more important task. Their employer has requested an item to be created by Marvin the Magnificent. This is a farming community so having enchanted Farming Equipment is extremely desirable. Marvin has done a lot of basic enchantments over the years, but this new one, an The Stone Skipper, a plough whose blade goes ethereal while in contact with stones too large to push away, has really put him to the test. He needs some help with the final enchantments. The players will have to travel to the Ethereal Plane and hit the Blade of the plow with large rocks. But there’s a problem, they’re going to have mischievous Ethereal Sprites attempting to stop them! If they’re successful, which they should be, they get to take the plough for a test drive, and deal with the strange side effects of the enchantment. Angry goats that blink in and out of existence.

ACT 1: To the Tower

They’ll be summoned out to the Ranch where they’ll meet with Boss again. Once there they will notice a large pile of bent and dinged up plows. Boss will explain to them that a recent land acquisition has become problematic. The Fields are filled with large stones just under the topsoil and they’ve damaged a lot of Plow Blades. The Smithing costs are getting out of hand and so their Patron is looking for an alternate solution to the problem. He is sending them to help Marvin the Magnificent, who has taken the job, but run into some complications and needs some help. They may ask about Marvin. Or perhaps the fields that were purchased, so be ready to answer these types of questions. Once they’re done here they can head to Marvin’s Tower, which is just north of town.
Things to Do! - Meet Boss again - Ask some Informational Questions - Head for the Tower
NPC: Marvin the Magnificent

ACT 2: Marvin the Magnificent

As they approach the tower they should see an explosion at the peak of the structure. It should look similar to a fireworks mishap. When it clears there will be no visible damage to the tower, But Marvin will plummet to the earth just off to the side of them, landing in a small pond. He will then come charging out of the pond, laughing hysterically, and riding on a large turtle. Once he gets a few feet away from the pond the turtle will disappear and he will tumble to the ground right in front of the players. He will leap up quickly and turn toward the players. “Behold Travelers, You stand in the presence of Marvin the Magnificent! And everything you have witness was mostly intended!” He will then strike a cool pose with his wand pointed to the sky! “Now why do you approach my tower!?”
Once Marvin finds out they’ve been sent about the plow he will become more nervous looking. “I see, well follow me. We have work to do.” He will then start walking toward the tower… his boots squishing out water. This should give them a little time to ask a few questions. Marvin will be a little subversive about what they need to do. He will attempt to frame it very mysteriously, saying things like “All will be revealed soon.” and “Save your questions! All Answers await us… in the future!” If they ask him about what they witnessed outside, he will tell them he was working on a mount summoning spell designed for lakes and rivers.
Things to Do! - Head toward the Tower - Meet Marvin - Ask Questions

ACT 3: The Cabinet of Mysteries

The inside of the Wizard’s Tower will be far more mundane than they likely expect. At least on the first floor. It will have a sitting room, dining room, and kitchen, as well as a few odds and ends about. Nothing special at all. The second floor, are Marvin’s personal quarters and some room for study, but it is the third floor, where Marvin will lead them, and it will be more of what one would expect in a Wizard’s tower. There will be books shelves, arcane equipment, and storage for components. In the middle of the room will be a tall cabinet.
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Marvin will explain to them that the Cabinet is a transportation device, and that he will need them to enter into it with a plow that he has recently enchanted. They will be taken to the Ethereal Plane, and once there they’ll need to take the plow outside and begin hitting it with large field stones. There is a large pile of stones just on the north edge of the tower. They’ll have to do this quickly, before the “others” show up. Who are the others? Hard to say, but there are things that live in the Ethereal Plane that don’t like intruders. The idea is to imbue the Plow with Ethereal Powers so it can pass through large stones while plowing fields. Once they return with the Enchanted Plow, Marvin will have them load it on a cart, pulled by a very smart Donkey, and send them on their way.
Skill Challenge: Enchant the Plow This skill challenge will require five successes before they’re incapacitated by the others. However they decide to do it, they’ll have to successfully hit the plow with five large stones. Failures will result in strange indiscernible entities attacking them. They do minimal damage but could knock people out if there are enough failures.
Things to Do! - Move Through Marvin’s Tower - Enter the Cabinet - Enchant the Plow

ACT 4: Blinking Goats

Upon returning to Boss with the Plow they will be happily greet and paid. Their Patron will be there and will be very pleased with their success. He will ask them to demonstrate the plow’s abilities. Once they get set up out in the field and begin plowing something weird will happen. Every time they hit a stone and the plow’s power activates an Ethereal Goat will manifest and kick or ram the plow, and then disappear. It will feel very similar to what they encountered in the Ethereal Plane. They’ll have to find a way to deal with the manifestations.
ENCOUNTER: Ethereal Goats These goats should function very similarly to Blink Dogs, but I would trim the HP and AC a little to put them in line with the party’s. They will be intent on breaking the Plow not the party, although they will attack the party if they can’t get to the Plow.
Things to Do! - Deliver the Plow - Drive the Plow - Defeat the Ethereal Goats

CLOSE

Once defeated the Boss will come over to yell at them, but the Patron will find the entire thing amusing and more importantly, another impressive demonstration of the player’s skills. He will invite them to the “House” for an important party next week.

Chapter 4: High Society

They've definitely been noticed now and have impressed with their ability, unconventional as it may be. They are invited to their patron's home, but not as guests. Though, they might think they were actually invited as guests! They have been brought in to help work the event held out at the Party Field. They will have to gather party supplies, help put up the tent, and then serve the actual guests. During the evening’s entertainment a hypnotist “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will mesmerize the crowd and attempt to rob them all. Hopefully the players don’t fall victim to her schemes. And if they do oh well, they’ll be entertained all the same.

ACT 1: Special Delivery

The players arrive at the Patron’s very nice property. They will be greeted by a properly dressed servant with a clipboard, the Party Planner. The Planner will be rigid and direct. They will immediately begin tasking them about. If they mention that they were invited to the party the servant will laugh “You didn’t think you were a guest? Oh dear, how embarrassing. You’re the help! It is still a great honor to be tasked to help at the Party, but you’re not guests. Now as for your current task. Head into town and gather these supplies. Bring them to the field by noon.” After the instructions are given the servant will go back to their tasks and expect the players to do the same. They will have three stops; The Crocked Crow for Food and Beer, Get Nailed for the Tent and Spirits, and Shalana Proud-Breed’s Tailor Shop to pick up the Dry Cleaning. Feel free to make any and all of these go sideways! Its a good place to toss in some shenanigans as well! They should also be introduced to Dr Hypnotika and her associates.
Things To do! - Go to their Patron’s Home - Meet the Party Planner and Dr Hypnotika - Run their Errands
NPC: Dr Hypnotika
Dr Hypnotika and her group will perform for the party. Hypnotica is a Tiefling Mezmerist and illusionist. She has an obnoxiously high charisma and some pretty serious skills to back up her claims. However, she uses those skills to beguile her guests, robbing them blind while they are under her spells. She wears a fine robe with a bedazzled headwrap. She has dark upward spiraling horns, light purple skin, and matching eyes. She wears a monocle and walks with a ceremonially carved staff depicting the "Struggles of the Universe". She is extremely persuasive and even more deceptive. Even if someone were to grow suspicious she can easily talk her way out of trouble.
NPCs: Clapper and Bob Hypnotika brings with her two assistants. Clapper the suit wearing Kenku who will perform wondrous displays of mimicry and slight of hand, and her strongman Bob the Kobold. Bob wears a leopard print strongman's outfit and is amazingly swole, particularly for a kobold, and capable of lifting upwards of 400lbs. Bob doesn't do much else other than get hit with things. in the act.

ACT 2: Put up the Tent

After they finish running their errands they will be tasked with putting up a large party tent. This Act is an ongoing Skill Challenge and should have a constantly distracted feel to it. First they have to unpack the tent. Then they have to realize some pieces are missing, they’ll have to form a solution to that problem. After that wind should cause some problems as the tent is at least being pulled up. This is a great moment for some wondrous tom-foolery.
Things To do! - Unpack the tent - Deal with missing parts - Secure the tent during the wind gusts

ACT 3: Put These On

After they finish putting up the tent they’ll be sent to the Servant’s Quarters to bathe and change. They’ll get a little time to explore and snoop if they wish. Afterward they’ll be tasked with helping in the kitchen, but unfortunately the cooks are going to have been playing a drinking game all afternoon and are no longer fully capable of doing their jobs. This would make a great moment for some sort of mini-game where the players have to determine whether or not the cooks are doing the right things. Once the dinner has been completed they will have to serve the guests. This is a good place to insert gossip and help them meet a few other folks.
Things To do! - Get changed for the party - Deal with the drunk cooks - Serve the guests drinks and food

ACT 4: An Evening to Remember

At some point in the evening things are going to start sliding downhill. Some of the locals will have become extremely inebriated and will need to be encouraged to leave, or just moved off to the side as they’ve already passed out, before the show begins. Once the show begins the locals will become fixated on the goings on. “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will have put an additive in the drinks for the that will make everyone more susceptible to her powers of persuasion. Once the show starts she will have them all doing silly things, those who drank have disadvantage on saves against her powers. She will end the show asking the guests to display their most valuable treasure, a with a hypnotic pattern and then send her assistants out to collect those treasures. The players will have to “do something” about the thieves.
Things To do! - Deal with Drunks - Watch the Show - Stop the Criminals
ENCOUNTER: Hypnotika's Gang This encounter doesn't have to be a fight. If Hypnotika is caught she may claim it was all part of the act and simple return the valuables with a "no harm, no foul" type attitude. This will be he go to in an attempt to avoid a fight, but if the character persist in some kind of retribution or punishment the situation will devolve into a combat. Hypnotica herself is an Illusionist Wizard but is low on spells after the show. Clapper is a low level rogue and Bob a Barbarian, and should play out as such. Even with Skills they are combat adverse and will be looking for an opportunity to flee rather than fight. They do have a getaway wagon out front that they'll be headed for if things go south.

CLOSING

We’re assuming the Bumpkins at least attempted to stop the robbery. This will draw a lot of attention to them. Their Patron will be well pleased with them, and let them know they will be getting much more important jobs in the future. The guests will also take note and will begin treating them all a bit better. They’re all essentially Folk Heroes at this point for secondary backgrounds. Their Patron should reward them with something very nice as the party kicks back in. They will need to finish out the nights work of course.

Quest-line Closing

Congratulations! Your Players have completed their first Quest-line! Hopefully it was a delightful experience. But now that they've finished what comes next? Well, here are some ideas.
*Reward Them! * They've been doing some rather Adventurous things lately, and therefore should now have a Class Level under their belt, so the real D&D world now opens to them! Maybe it is time for some real adventuring gear. No more sticks, stones, and burlap sack armor.
Folk Heroes? There's a good chance that the Valley is Speaking the News about them and their exploits while drinking in the taverns. They may have even earned the actual Folk Hero Feat! Maybe someone would be interested in giving them a task!
Simply Go Exploring! There are a lot of places in Green Valley that we only dipped our toes into. You could have them head down to Stinkmarsh, or maybe climb up the cliffs of Longridge. The world (Well, the Valley) is wholly open to them.
Explore Local Legends There are lots of local legends they can look into! Hopefully they search out something that isn't too far over their heads!
Continue Working for their Patron It would be an easy DM go to simply to have them continue working for their current Patron. They've probably been impressive enough fo a family to be interested in keeping them on.
Establish Themselves as Adventurers! Maybe they want to set up a Adventurers for Hire business? This "Heroes Guild" approach is really appealing to a lot of players and absolutely plays into Bumpkin Quest. Just remember, this is a place of low key problems that locals make really big deals out of. So the idea of slaying dragons shouldn't really be on the table... that is until an actual dragon shows up! Which one day absolutely should.

I’m starting up my first 20 gallon tank and was looking for some advice on the best kind of schooling fish to include along with my betta. I’ve been obsessively reading up on it the last week to make sure I have a comfortable size for the betta to have it’s space, but also a good size for a small school of 6-8 fish to swim around comfortably.
So far I’m leaning towards getting around 6-8 Harlequin Rasboras, a mystery snail for algae control, and maybe two African dwarf frogs in the future if it seems like the tank isn’t too crowded (the frogs would be optional if it’s too hard to keep my tank cycle healthy).
Does that seem like an okay/comfortable amount of fish for that size tank? I’m so worried about stressing the fish out, but I can only have one tank right now and was really hoping to have more than just a betta fish in there. I’d also been considering 6-8 female guppies if that seems like a better match for a betta, although I don’t want to risk the tank being overrun with fry.
Appreciate any thoughts!

February 2001: It’s a bright new era for Tottenham Hotspur Football Club. After years of mediocrity and flirts with relegation in the 1990s, a new ownership group is taking over from that cheapskate Alan Sugar. Meet your new overlords in English National Investment Company and your new chairman, Daniel Levy! Its sure to be a great start of a beautiful journey!
May 2001: Finishing 12th is not what you would call ideal. No European football. Not to mention bowing out in the FA Cup Semis and League Cup third round. Enjoy this new manager in Glenn Hoddle.
2001-02 : Sol Campbell signed with our eternal rivals in Arsenal! Levy didn’t offer him a new contract? What?? Doesn’t he know those Gunner clowns can’t be taking our players like that? We also finish 9th but made the League Cup final. It helps having the return of our goal scoring phenom in Teddy Sheringham. Adding Gustavo Poyet helps too. Still no European football.
2002-03: The best way to fight back into the elite is to have more goal scorers right? Welcome Robbie Keane from Leeds United! A crafty piece of business on our end! Him and Sheringham power us to…10th place. The fuck? And third round exits in the Cups…
2003-2004: Glenn Hoddle is underachieving! Get rid of him. David Pleat can surely handle the task at hand. Nope, we finished 14th…and still no trophies. But hey check out our shiny new forward in Jermaine Dafoe.
May 2004: Sol Campbell becomes a key contributor to Arsenal’s Invincibles season and wins the Premier League title. Does it feel cold?
2004-2005: Here’s our new manager in Jacques Santini ~goes 5-4-5~ ok never mind. Here’s our REAL new manager in Martin Jol, much more quality. He’s got the gusto and know-how to guide us to 9th and no trophies. At least Jermaine Defoe was the club top goal scorer…and Ledley King is coming into his own.
May 2005: Our other eternal rivals Chelsea win their first Premier League thanks to that outlandish manager Jose Mourinho and oligarch Roman Abramovich. All they do is buy players whenever they please. Pfft, that won’t be sustainable, they’ll come back to Earth eventually.
2005-06: Martin Jol has been a massive improvement to our fortunes. No trophies yet but we’re back in Europe. It’s good to be back in the UEFA Cup, think of the tv revenue. 5th place is a nice finish. Robbie Keane and newcomer Mido carried us to this spot. We should be keep them around for a while. Bringing in experienced talent like Edgar Davids and this young defensive midfielder in Tom Huddlestone helps. And check out our new record signing in Jermaine Jenas.
2006-07: Michael Carrick is a great defensive midfielder but Manchester United want his services. Here, take him. Edgar Davids is also much too old to be playing Premier League football. Our loss is also our gain with 15 million quid in the books. Let's invest that into a brand-new world class striker in Dimitar Berbatov. And Carrick's replacement in Didier Zokora certainly helps us...but we finish 5th again. No tropies either...at least European football?
2007-08: Jermaine Dafoe and Mido are gone. We need to replace them. Darren Bent seems like a good idea. But who the hell is this young left-back named Gareth Bale? Why is he worth 14 million pounds? Whatever, we need depth, he probably won't be much. Snap up this Jonathan Woodgate guy, too, someone has to help Ledley King here!
Oct 25, 2007: So you sacked Martin Jol at halftime against Getafe because reasons? Maybe if you stopped selling all his good players the division wouldn't have started. The fans are not pleased about this at all. Smooth them over with Juande Ramos from Chelsea.
League Cup Final 2008: All this leads to an 11th place finish, but fear not - YOU WON THE LEAGUE CUP! The first trophy since 1999, a true triumph. Certainly Spurs can aim higher now right?
2008-09: Juande Ramos is a fraudulent piece of shite that doesn't deserve to work in North London. We've promptly canned him for the legend that is Harry Redknapp. Just look at him inspire us to...8th place. We made the League Cup Final broken glass window and we've lost to Manchester United. And sold them Berbatov because money. This is shit. Enjoy this new midfielder signing in Luka Modric. He'd only become one of the best players in the world, nothing too crazy. Oh and Robbie Keane is back. So is Jermaine Defoe! Yay?
2009-10: A full season of Redknapp ball has led to a glorious prize! 4TH PLACE! Tottenham Hotspur will be playing under the lights on Tuesday and Wednesday! Play the music....THE CHAMPPPIONS! All it cost was loaning out Keane, selling Bent, and bringing in Peter Crouch. What a team we have forming. This Aaron Lennon kid is turning into quite the player. Oh and that Gareth Bale kid we paid a premium for? Yea, he's playing left winger now.
2010-2011: Champions League football requires Champions League talent. Quickly, let's eye up cheap deals for Rafael van der Vaardt, Sandro, and William Gallas. The attacking front of Crouch, Bale, Defoe, van der Vaardt, and Roman Pavlyuchenko powered us to 5th. It’s been a tough test balancing these nights. But did you see our massive victories against both Milan teams? I think we'll be back here in no time. Is it really a bad season without winning any trophies?
2011-12: A critical season. Harry Redknapp's contract is set to expire and Daniel Levy hasn't really been known to give coaches pay raises unless they merit it. Unfortunately, Peter Crouch is too old to keep around. Off to Stoke City with you, lad, thanks for that night at the San Siro. Bringing Emmanuel Adebayor from the exile of Manchester City should be a like-for-like swap. It all powers us to finish 4th again! HUZZAH! Another season of Champions League revenues! But still no Cups to take home.
2012 CL Final: Unfortunately, Chelsea did something incredible and won the Champions League in the most chaotic final in recent memory. Thus, for finishing 4th, you get Europa League football...god I hate Chelsea.
2012-13: Gareth Bale is becoming an elite winger without elite help. We've also decided to do something ridiculously unpopular and sell Luka Modric to Real Madrid for huge money. van der Vaardt is also out the door to Hamburg. The revenue brings in Hugo Lloris, Mousa Dembele, Clint Dempsey, and Jan Vertonghen. Under the plucky Andre Villas-Boas we finish 5th and go back to Europa. But our Cup showing was even more abysmal this season. Gareth Bale potted 21 goals...oh god he's next to go isn't he?
2013-14: The worst day has come. Gareth Bale has been sold to Real Madrid. He's joining up with Modric and Cristiano Ronaldo. The money reinvested brings in Christian Eriksen, Erik Lamela, Paulinho, Etienne Capoue, and the meme known as Roberto Saldado. Andre Villas-Boas' tenure was short-lived. Tim Sherwood is a former Spurs lad, surely he can lead us to greatness. If you call 6th place and no trophies greatness.
CL Final 2014: Luka Modric and Gareth Bale become key contributors to Real Madrid's Decima in the Champions League. Bale also scores one of the best goals of the campaign in the Copa Del Rey against Barcelona. The fans are pissed at Daniel Levy and ENIC.
2014-15: We've been knocking on the door of the elite English teams for a few seasons now. Time to put up or shut up. Tim Sherwood, you are not that guy pal. Mauricio Pochettino, welcome to Spurs. Here's the plucky academy kid in Harry Kane. Please get him firing, our striker woes are well-known. You want to sell Gylfi Sigurdsson and Sandro for this League One prospect in Dele Alli? Ok if you say so. Who the hell is Eric Dier and why do you want him? Culminating in a fifth place finish and League Cup final. Harry Kane scored 21 goals though...whoa.
2015-16: Defense needs an upgrade. Let's buy this experienced Belgian in Toby Alderwaiald. Him and Vertonghen played together before, surely it will work. We also need a left winger. How about Hueng-Min Son? He's been torching defenses for Leverkusen, he can surely do it here. The top teams are having a down season, now is the time to strike. We can smell the Premier League title in our grasp.
Final Matchday 2016: They finished third in a two-horse race after Leicester decided to have the greatest sports story ever play out in real life. It seems like a missed opportunity, but there is plenty to build on. Poch's team is coming together. Kyle Walker and Danny Rose are molding into elite fullbacks. The Belgians and Lloris are brick walls. Harry Kane is becoming a world-class striker. He even won the Golden Boot! They just need a little bit more to get over the trophy drought.
2016-17: Ok this is the year. We made it back to the Champions League, but this will be the last year at White Hart Lane. It's much too old for this modernizing football club. We need a really big stadium to bring in that sweet matchday revenue like our rivals. And I'm talking REALLY big, the best in all of England. It would be nice to fill it with some Champions League revenue and some silverware no? Well, seems like we finished 2nd and didn't win any Cups...AGAIN. But hey, Harry won the Golden Boot again! Dele Alli took serious strides in becoming a generational talent. Progress is progress amirite?
Final Matchday 2017: Chelsea win their 4th Premier League title since Abramovich took over. At least you finished above Arsenal again...that's a win isn't it?
2017-18: Kyle Walker has been sold to Manchester City because we like money over glory. Don't worry, we have a solid replacement with Kieran Trippier. We'll use the Walker money to bring a new defender in Davinson Sanchez from Ajax and right winger in Lucas Moura from PSG. Oh and for the hell of it, here's Serge Aurier from PSG too. Glorious depth. We still don't have a reliable backup striker, but how about a cheap deal for the aging legs of Fernando Llorente. He was good in a past life right?
Nov 1, 2017: By God, we've done it. We've slain the evil empire in Real Madrid. It's hard to believe a team of this size and caliber could scar the kings of Europe. Surely the only way is up from here.
March 2018: Nope, the knockout stages pit you up against a thunderous Juventus team that makes you their English bitch. Giorgio Chiellini goes on to make one of the most overused memes in all of football Twitter. "Iz di history of di Tottenham..."
Final Matchday 2018: Respectable 3rd place finish behind Manchester United lads. Too bad no trophies to go with it. Sigh... what else is new? We finished above Arsenal again...yay? Meanwhile, Kyle Walker is part of the Centurion Manchester City team...I need more liquor.
2018-19: Harry Kane is starting to get impatient. He needs to start seeing some silverware soon. Hueng-Min Son is emerging as a top forward in the league. Dele’s dropped off a bit but it’s just a blip, nothing to worry about. Jan and Toby are rock-solid at the back. We have a plucky solid squad, filled with some high-end talent but we didn't get any reinforcements in the summer...what the fuck? You do realize squads transition every season, ENIC? Where's Poch's reinforcements? Why did you sell Mousa Dembele mid-season, he was still useful! Oh dear god, what have they done? Oh that’s right…the new stadium. It’s still not done yet is it?
UCL QFs 2019: This is massive test. We managed to beat Barcelona in the group stage, and cake-walked through Dortmund in the Round of 16 but this is a new beast. We're up against the defending PL champs in Man City. Harry is hurt but we've got Sonny, Lucas, Chrisitan, Dele, and Fernando to make up for his goals. A huge pen save by Hugo on Aguero keeps us in the tie. Son puts us up 1-0 in the first leg. Going to the Etihad without Harry, it's a tight affair. Son and Sterling trading goals, Fernando kneeing in the go-ahead, Bernardo Silva pulling one back, 4-3 Man City, and seeing out the final whistle. Away goals take us over the line. Onto the Semis!
UCL SFs 2019: This Ajax team downed Real Madrid. They're gonna walk all over us. At least in the first leg. The second leg is a masterpiece. Lucas scored not one, not two, but THREE away goals to push us to glory! Gas up the bus boys, WE ARE GOING TO THE UCL FINAL!!!!
UCL Final 2019: What the actual fuck? How was that a handball on Moussa Sissoko??? IT HIT HIS BLOODY SHOULDER! You gifted this match to Liverpool, UEFA! (This is the moment that broke Tottenham Hotspur) And why the hell didn't Lucas start the game? After that fantastic hat trick? I don't care if Kane was fit to play, this is massive managerial blunder. Maybe this is the summer things start to change. All we got for this was a runner-up medal. At least we finished 4th in England. BUT STILL NO MOTHER FUCKING TROPHIES! writer proceeds to smash his laptop in the process
2019-20: The UCL Final should be a springboard for another potential title charge. Poch is calling out ownership for not wanting to give him signings. They only fumbled the Paulo Dybala signing, surely we can still trust Levy and ENIC right? Here's Giovani Lo Celso instead and Tanguy Ndombele to shore up the midfield. Here's our replacement for Danny Rose in Ryan Sessegnon. Unfortunately, Chrisitan Eriksen wants out and we let his contract run down. He leaves in January for basically nothing. Results are starting to flounder so Poch, pack your furniture and get out of our house. Meet our new manager: Jose Mourinho, the Special One. Just nobody tell Daniel he's been sacked infamously by both Chelsea and Manchester United for being a toxic presence. At least the new stadium is ope---ah fuck, it's COVID. An injury-plagued campaign culminates in a 6th place finish, but still no trophies. Another finish over those Gunners though! Why aren't you fans happy? We can't spend money, don't you see we didn't get any matchday revenue???
FA Cup Final 2020: Even though we finished above them, Arsenal take home an FA Cup with a squad arguably much less talented than Spurs. It was also against Chelsea...who finished above you. Can someone drive me to the nearest cliff please?
2020-21: A full season of Mourinho-ball. Tensions are starting to run high. Kane is pissed at the direction we're going. Jan Vertonghen and Kieran Trippier are gone. Dele Alli forgot how to play football under Jose. We need a new center-back...too goddam expensive. Let's convert Eric Dier to CB and have play back there, what's the worst that can happen? Fans aren't happy at all. I know the solution: you kids remember Uncle Gareth?? He's baaaaack! Sure, he's in his early 30s and a shell of himself but he's won 4 UCL titles and scored that fabulous bike kick in 2018. He's still class. Here’s a bunch of mid table players in Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg, Matt Doherty, and Joe Rodon to supplement the team.
March 2021: Europa League is quite winnable. Surely nothing bad will happen like you losing to a team who's manager is in prison for tax fraud. breaking glass sounds you fumbled a 2-0 agg lead to Dinamo Zagreb...who's manager was in prison for tax fraud. You're fucking pathetic you know that?
April 2021: Jose Mourinho is a dinosaur of English football. Look at him playing park the bus tactics while we can't defend score. Let's get rid of this cancer before it spreads. Who cares if it's six days before the League Cup Final against City? Why can't Ryan Mason see it out?
EFL Cup Final 2021: It's not a blowout loss, but it's clearly an overmatching. City run rampant on Spurs as they lift the trophy they basically own at this point. Fans are calling for Levy's head. In fact, they were calling for it as early as the FA Cup loss to Everton in the fourth round.
Final Matchday 2021: Jose refused to play Gareth Bale. Looking back that was a terrible decision. Bale and Kane power us to a 7th place finish. We finish above Arsenal again. It's a successful season in ENIC's checkbook. And there's still European football to play. Harry Kane wins another Golden Boot and the Golden Ball for most assists. We have to keep him around.
May 2021: Kieran Trippier and Christian Eriksen become key contributors to Atletico Madrid and Inter Milan's respective title wins. In other news, Juan Foyth wins the Europa League with Villarreal while on loan. Does that sound familiar?
CL Final 2021: Chelsea find another way to win another Champions League title, despite sacking a manger midway through the season and having misfiring forwards. And it was against Man City…who we beat every now and then.
2021-22: We need a director of football to help us match up to our rivals better. Fabio Paratici built Juventus in the most dominant club in Italy, surely he can replicate that in England. No we won't hire Paulo Fonseca and his 7 assistant coaches, way too much payroll. And no, you can't hire Gennaro Gattuso for his derogatory comments. Wait, where the hell is Harry Kane? Ahh I see he wants to be sold to Man City. HA! Doesn't he know he just signed an extension? Son has too, so if Harry wants to play hardball let him. Quickly, hire Nuno Espirito Santos as our fail-safe. He's not what we wanted but we fucked up so we're fucked now. Wait, how can we be so critical of ourselves? CHECK OUT THIS GLORIOUS STADIUM!!!!
Nov 2021: Nuno is terrible, he's lost 5 in a row. Who cares if we beat Man City on opening day? Get him out NOW! Get Antonio Conte in. It's another former Chelsea manager to restore our standing in the club.
Final Matchday 2022: HUZZAH! After a turbulent season, losing to wifi-password named clubs in the Conference League then getting kicked out of it for COVID reasons, Conte calling us out in the media multiple times, we galvanized ourselves to a 4th place finish. We're back, and it's thanks to the Juve rejects in Cristian Romero, Dejan Kulusevski, and Rodrigo Bentancur. Son won the Golden Boot, a true testament to his development at Spurs. Back on track. But still...no trophies. Another finish above Arsenal...they should just make a team award for that at this point.
2022-23: A full season of a happier Conte should lead us to silverware. Let’s not dawddle, start making signings. Richarlison always victimized us at Everton, let’s bring him to back up Kane. Yves Bissouma did the same at Brighton and we do need a batter box to box midfielder. Him too. Ivan Perisic on a free for Conte’s wingback. Surely our defense is fine in the hands of Romero, Dier, Clement Lenglet, and Ben Davies. And Djed Spence because reasons.
April 2023: It’s been a terrible season. From having our best start to a season since 1967 to bottling game after game after game. Tepid football, lack of inspiration. Despite small triumphs like winning the Champions League group stage and mugging Manchester City of points again, they have failed miserably again. Son’s form is gone. Richarlison doesn’t know how to score. The defense is wide open. It implodes after giving up 3 goals to a bottom table Southampton after being up 3-0. Conte is furious, criticizes ownership again, and is canned back to Italy. Fabio Paratici was also banned by FIFA for cooking Juve’s books. To make it worse, Arsenal was leading the top of the table and almost won the title. Thank the football gods for Man City and their oil money franchise. That means nothing as the season prolapses, we fall out of European contention, and finish 8th. No manager, no director football, toxic fanbase crying out for changes. I have now developed heavy drinking. "ZE DON'T WANT TO PLAY FOR SOMETHING IMPORTANT! 20 YEARS THERE IS THE OWNER AND NEVER WON SOMETHING!"
UEL Semi-Final 2023: Did I mention this gets worse because it does. A couple seasons back, Spurs swapped Erik Lamela and 25 million for promising Spanish youngster Bryan Gil from Sevilla. Gil was never favored by Nuno or Conte, with the Italian basically exiling him from the team unless he had no other choice but to play him. Gil would be loaned back to Sevilla where he assisted Erik Lamela's game-winning goal in stoppage time to book Sevilla a place in the Europa League final. I want to drink bleach...
Twenty-three years of failures and memes, Tottenham look like a lost club. All the shiny toys, but nothing to show for it. Champagne expectations with a beer budget. Does the ownership really value profit that much? Daniel Levy always insists his goal every season is to win a trophy. But how do you do that without attracting top talent? They squandered a window in 2019 and can’t remake the glory. They've made signing after signing that are inconsistent or not at the level to win trophies. It feels like they value cheap deals rather than actual talent. It's killing the club. Kane has been a legend at the club but he’s ready to move on. I don’t blame him, his career is incomplete with some hardware. But the future looks bleak. What will Spurs do next? Will they do a full rebuild and risk the possibility of no European football? Or will they try to win at least one trophy before Kane's contract is up?

First Previous
Chapter 14: A Pleasant Game of Skirmish
Due to the distance between Earth and Cradle, multiple jumps were required. As such, major worlds in between the two points were designated and added to the jump list. While it extended the time it would take to get there, it would be worth it to gather more information on humanity. When jumping into a system, the Into the Black would do a detailed scan on every major planet, circling them if need be. Each system would take hours to record, but the new potential discoveries more than made up for it.
Meanwhile, life on the ship continued. Vigil in particular found himself wandering the upper decks, as Glevar had forbidden him from “escorting” Irudo while he was at work. Hesitant at first, Vigil left, believing he was in capable hands. Now, with no purpose, he was left to his own devices.
Thoughts of the garden kept popping up in his mind. Wishing to sate his curiosity, he gradually made his way over to it. Passing through the checkpoint, he was greeted with a wall of greenery. Small paths meandered through the small forest, while larger paths ringed the exterior.
Picking one of the smaller paths at random, Vigil walked down it, surrounded by life and serenity. The vegetation was both alien and yet familiar at the same time. Large trees with rough brown bark stretched upwards, topped by green leaves. Some were not completely the same as Earth vegetation, however.
Some of the tree trunks had a much darker, reddish hue, and wicked looking spikes lining them. While others had red or even purple leaves. Those with spikes had signs with foreign words set in the ground beside them, adorned by artwork depicting a mouth eating the tree with a large X. Going by this, Vigil assumed they were not edible. Why anyone wanted to eat the trees, he could not fathom. Apparently, though, the signs did not pertain to the wildlife transplanted onto the ship. A small creature with eyes nearly as large as its head, a jet black body covered in fur, and a long bushy tail, sat munching on the leaves of the tree. All the while staring at Vigil, curious as to who was intruding on its lunch.
Another oddity was the “grass”, if one could call it that. The plant in question blanketed the forest floor. It was bluish green with razor thin blades, more filament than proper leaf. Though it was extremely thin, it grew so dense that fallen debris, such as leaves and twigs, seemed to float above it.
Possibly deadly tree’s and strange grass aside… it was… enjoyable. It was nice to be so far away from war, yet confusing at the same time. He had no purpose here, no reason. Was it truly fine for him to stop? To lie down his sword, so to speak?
A beautiful flower off the path caught his eye. It had yet to unfurl its white petals for the day. Wanting to observe the flower in greater detail, Vigil stepped off the path and walked over. He kneeled down before it, taking in every aspect of its design. He reached out and stroked a petal. He did so agonizingly slow and gentle, yet even that was not enough to prevent harm to the frail life before him.
His finger ripped away one of the pure white petals, revealing a crimson red interior. Liquid, whether nectar or something else, leaked from the injury. It too was red, blood red. Surprised, he stood quickly. He did not want to harm the small flower further. Turning away, he paused. He saw his tracks, deep and obtrusive to the natural scenery. Wherever he walked, he had brought death to the surrounding life. Crushing the small filament like vegetation that covered the ground, killing it with each step.
He was reminded then, what his purpose was. He was a weapon, nothing more, nothing less. His purpose was to stand ready, so when the Nemesis came, these new people could wield him. Until he met his end, his purpose was to fight and kill. Forgetting this only brought harm to the world around him, and those existing peacefully within it. He walked back to the path, retracing his steps so to no bring further harm to those undeserving of it. He went back down the path to where he had come and left the garden and all the life within. Lest he bring death to them as well.
-
Elsewhere on the ship, Hran was forbidden from strenuous activity, being injured as he was. Which meant that he was practically useless in the engineering department. Thus, he was given a few of the data banks to work on.
He normally wasn’t able to pick up anything heavy as is, but now he wasn’t even allowed to so much as think of lifting anything that weighed more than him. Since he usually tinkered on things, he had created a sort of nest in the back of the large engineering bay. So, secluded in his little hideaway, he rummaged around in the data banks. Hoping for something useful.
While technically every scrap of information was crucial, he was finding fairly basic things. Knowledge that even the average denizen of the GU knew. Skipping this data bank, he moved on to another, and struck gold. Well, gold to him anyway. The importance of his finding would be graded by his superiors at a later date.
When he had opened the data bank, he had found hundreds of thousands of hours of footage. Not like communicator footage someone would record when something exciting happened, but of combat footage! Combat footage with the Nemesis! If they wanted to learn about the Nemesis and their tactics, this was the best way, aside from Vigil.
Opening the first file, Hran was immediately met with the sounds of gunfire and explosions. He quickly turned down the volume, afraid someone had heard. When no one came snooping, he relaxed and resumed the video.
The gunfire resumed, and a human male barked out some strange words and the wearer of the camera looked to the side. Hran’s eyes widened. He saw only men, dozens of battle-hardened and experienced soldiers. They were in some kind of natural depression in the dirt. Lines of men were running hunched over, keeping their heads low. All around them was dust and smoke, obscuring their view of the battlefield, but they fought regardless. Peeking from above the clouds of dust, were burned and blasted out buildings.
Then, suddenly, a man in armor ravaged by battle pointed behind the soldier with the camera and raised his weapon. The camera whipped around to see several terrifying four armed creatures dashing out of the smoke. Though the human men were already taller than him by several centias, the Nemesis towered over them. They did not hesitate though. They did not run or shirk their duty; they met the charging aliens head on.
Soldiers before the cameraman fired and were cut down by both blade and gun. The Nemesis seemed to favor holding a firearm in their upper two arms and blades in their lower two. Given the close proximity, Hran could see the advantage.
But the humans did not back away, they held their ground. Every bullet or bolt of energy caused the Nemesis to shine at the impact site. Hran ogled the works of engineering. They had personal energy shields! A man directly in front of the cameraman ducked under the blades of one attacker, and shoved the barrel of his weapon into the Nemesis’ side, and pulled the trigger. Circumventing the shield.
The Nemesis roared in pain and outrage, and cut the man in half. Hran choked back vomit. The viscera and gore were not censored of course, giving him a front-row seat to the brutality of war.
The unknown soldier’s death would not be in vain. The cameraman and another soldier rushed the wounded alien and tackled it. The man with the helmet cam straddled the creature and pressed his weapon directly into the underside of the Nemesis’ four eyed helmet.
Hran looked away as brain matter and yellowish alien blood explode from the now dead Nemesis. He felt sick to his stomach watching the battle. This wasn’t some make believe fantasy, some fictional war movie. This was real footage from real people struggling to survive just one more day. Yet… he couldn’t stop watching.
The soldier was back up, and continued to fight, but his time did not last. Another Nemesis took the place of the first, and now it was the cameraman’s turn to be cut down. Hran watched as the world turned sideways, and crimson blood painted the soil. The soldier did not stir. And all the while, the Nemesis and human warriors continued to battle eachother, staining the sandy colored soil with their blood. The video ended soon after the soldier’s death.
Hran was stunned. He had never seen anyone die. And now he had just witnessed the death of dozens. He was lightheaded, and his stomach ached. He gulped down the bile which threatened to pour from his mouth. Humanity had given their lives in defense of an undeserving galaxy. It was because of them he and his people were alive today.
He would bear witness to their final moments and learn all he could. So that if the Nemesis came, they would be ready. Steeling himself, Hran clicked on the next file. Great cannons the size of skyscrapers fired, parting the clouds in waves. As the clouds split, an endless sea of ships were revealed descending from the skies. Hran prepared himself to witness even more death and carnage than before.
-
Kitern was fuming. She understood Tentzonta’s worries, because she herself was wary of Vigil when they first let him wander as he pleased. But after he had literally carried her to safety, that opinion had changed drastically. Vigil was a soldier, just like her. She had killed people in the line of duty, yet no one feared her. Well, maybe a little, but it wasn’t because she had spilled blood. More because of her charming personality.
To top it all off, her damn arm was aching from not being moved in so long. Some might say she was overreacting, but having her arm in a sling felt more like she was being caged, like she was being tied down. It was unnatural to have her body hindered like this.
Of course, it was for her own health. Klofaa had scanned her arm and made certain nothing was broken. The blow had simply dislocated her shoulder and pressed it against the main nerve in her arm, preventing her from being able to move it. Once her shoulder had been re-set, she was able to move it like normal. But that wasn’t enough for Klofaa. She wanted to make absolutely certain Kitern was in no danger, so forced this stupid sling on her.
The feeling in her chest, of being confined and restricted, kept increasing. It was irritating, to say the least. She wanted to blow off some steam, but there wasn’t much she could do with one hand. Kitern paused. She did like watching sports. She could try to start a game of bailok between the crew?
She shook her head and continued walking. No, that required too much work for her to only sit on the sidelines. Besides, most of the crew wouldn’t bother participating. She wondered if Vigil knew any sports? She was sure plenty of people would be interested in playing a human sport.
“Hmmm,” she hummed and scratched her jaw. She couldn’t imagine Vigil playing anything. Even if he did, he would have to play against other mega bipeds, otherwise, he would absolutely destroy the average biped like her. She laughed suddenly. ‘Imagine their faces when they realize the person who whooped their asses is a guy! They would never be able to live that down!’ she thought. The image of a bunch of whiney bailok players came to mind. They already fell over at the slightest touch. If Vigil ran into one of them, armor or not, he would pulverize them.
She stopped again, an idea coming to her. Forget sports like bailok, what about skirmish? It was a simple game, but a blast to play and watch. Easy to set up, too. All you needed was an energy rifle with a dampener on the end to lower its power and a sensor to ping whenever the laser hit. They had all the ingredients they just needed to put them together.
She knew Asteli would jump at the opportunity to play. The spunky Venanian absolutely loved the game. Gre’Namra would follow along with her, and she could always order Onsa and Dentala if they didn’t want to join. She could even play with one arm if she wanted, skirmish laser dampeners worked on nearly all energy weapons after all. The only hard part would be finding everyone.
Grinning, she got to work scouring the ship.
-
Vigil was peacefully watching the blackness of space, his mind set at ease by the void. Something that many found unsettling. The Into the Black was scanning another system, on its way to Cradle. He didn’t recognize it, which was a small blessing. He kept recalling the past and his purpose as of late. Looking at the dead husk of a world he and his brethren had spilled their blood over would do no good.
“FOUND HIM!” a familiar voice screamed, loud enough to scare some of the nearby crew. The observation deck had, well, observation windows to look out into space. In this case, Vigil was at the very end of the large main corridor which ran the length of the ship. As Deck One held numerous amenities for the crew, it was frequented by many. Thus, there were more than a few startled faces.
Vigil turned as Asteli came bounding up to him with Gre’Namra following close behind. “Hey big guy! Captain wants you!”
Vigil looked down at her, “I will report to the bridge immediately,” he replied.
“Not that captain. Commander Kitern,” Gre’Namra clarified, stepping in front of him.
Vigil tilted his head. “Understood. Where am I needed?”
“In the hangar bay! Come on, you’re going to love this!” Asteli practically sang, as she went behind him and attempted to push him along. Her efforts were futile. She simply walked in place, feet slipping on the deck plates. She grunted in excretion. “Come on!”
“Affirmative. I will report to commander Kitern at once.” He stepped forward, causing Asteli to lose her balance and almost fall. Gre’Namra reached out to help stabilize her, before they began following Vigil to the lift.
As soon as the lift doors opened, Asteli rushed out screaming, “I found him!” Before she and Gre’Namra ran into the locker room. Vigil marched orderly to the hanger bay, to find the rest of the marines idly standing around in their armor on the edge of a symmetrical field of crates and containors. Strange black devices decorated their armor. One side was flat to adhere to their armor, while the other had a slight bulge. They were stuck at intervals, correlating with vital areas.
Vigil walked up to Kitern. “Has there been an emergency?”
She shook her head. “If me being pissed as hell counts, then yes. Otherwise, no, there hasn’t been. We’re setting up for a game of skirmish. That’s what the sensors are for,” she said, pointing a claw at a device on Dentala’s helmet, nestled between her horns.
“What is skirmish?” Vigil asked.
“It’s a game you play to simulate a firefight. You put the sensors on your chest, back, head, arms, and legs.” She lifted a laser pistol with a bright blue block on the end of the barrel. “Then you put a dampener on an energy weapon of your choice and shoot eachother. The dampener lowers the power of the beam so that it can’t kill you, just trigger the sensors. It takes five shots to ‘kill’ someone, two if you shoot them in the head. Forgot how many you need if the species has more than one head, though.” She returned her sidearm to its holster and waved a hand dismissively. “Doesn’t matter. Point is, you want to play?”
He thought for a second. While labeled as a game, it would be an efficient tool to maintain combat readiness and test his new allies’ capabilities. They would need to be an efficient fighting force to have a chance against the Nemesis. “Affirmative,” he finally replied.
Kitern chuffed. “Good. Onsa, get this man a gun! Never thought I’d say those words.” She shrugged. “Oh well. If you need me, I’ll be with Shavan putting bets on the winners.”
“Hello down there!” the ship’s quartermaster said upon hearing her name. She waved down at them from a platform being held aloft by a crane which ran along the tracks embedded in the ceiling. She began lowering the platform via a linked data pad.
“Don’t tell the captain about that. It breaks several safety regulations,” Onsa said from the side, handing him a pack of sensors and an energy rifle with a dampener already attached. Vigil looked at them curiously and began putting them on various parts of his body. Meanwhile, Asteli and Gre’Namra returned, now fully armored, and grabbed two more rifles and packets of sensors.
Now high above the “battlefield”, Kitern announced. “If the contestants are ready, you may take your positions!” she said in a haughty voice. She leaned over and elbowed Shavan in the side. “Make sure you record this.”
Shavan chuffed and drawled, “Already ahead of ya.” Then linked her data pad to the hangar’s cameras, pointing them so they covered every inch of the field.
Asteli ran off to one side of the makeshift arena while Onsa and Dentala went to the other. Gre’Namra walked up to Vigil and said, “You’re on our team to help balance things out.” He nodded and followed the two privates to their designated starting point.
Kitern leaned over the hastily assembled railing of her platform, observing the playing field. It was a simple rectangle marked by lines of crates. Each side’s base was ringed by a wall of boxes and containers with gaps to get in and out. Cover was scattered periodically, with head height walls spread around the arena to break line of sight.
Seeing that everyone was at their bases, she called down, “If everyone is ready!” She paused, looking between the two opposing sides. “Begin the slaughter!” There was no bell, shot, or buzzer. Just a simple shout and the two sides were off.
All except for Vigil, who was still standing there while Asteli and Gre’Namra split and ran in opposite directions around a wall that defended the front of their base. Vigil looked back and forth between the two before randomly choosing to go to the right.
Turning the corner, he saw Gre’Namra hunkered behind cover. She was pressing a hand to the deck, concentrating on something. She looked back and saw him and made a hand motion, telling him to get down. Distracted by Gre’Namra, he did not see the two quick flashes from between a stack of crates, which spelled his doom.
The sensor on Vigil’s helmet flashed blue twice in quick succession, and all the sensors lit up. Indicating he was out.
“You’re dead Vigil, go sit on the side,” Kitern called down from her perch. Confused, Vigil did as ordered and observed the brief firefight. Gre’Namra, now revealed, had a small shootout with Onsa who had taken out Vigil. Gre’Namra returned fire, attempting to suppress Onsa.
When Onsa stopped shooting, Gre’Namra attempted to pull back get behind taller cover. The moment she left her stack of boxes, Onsa resumed firing and tagged her back three times. Though she was hit, she was not out. Cursing and slapping her tail on the deck in agitation, she elected to pull back and meet up with Asteli on the opposite side of the battlefield from her, rather than continue fighting Onsa. Gre’Namra fired blindly over cover, causing Onsa to duck down and give her a chance to escape.
Meanwhile, Asteli had pushed far forward, quickly being pinned down by Dentala. Already hit twice, she was reluctant to return fire. Until Gre’Namra appeared, she kneeled and leaned around cover, hitting Dentala and forcing her back. Now relieved, Asteli advanced with Gre’Namra’s over watch.
However, in their haste, they failed to ensure their flank was secure. As out of nowhere, Asteli was gunned down by Onsa firing diagonally from across the field.
Asteli stomped her foot and cursed, before trudging over to the side. Gre’Namra, now alone, pulled back to her base. She wanted to use the tight confines to her advantage, forcing her enemies to come to her. However, Dentala had other plans for her. Using Asteli’s tactics, she pushed hard, going down the center of the field where Gre’Namra had no sightlines.
As Dentala was advancing, she lept over low cover, set in between two walls. Waiting on the other side of the walls, was Gre’Namra. Gre’Namra had stopped retreating, when she realized she would only be trapping herself. Guessing that her seniors would assume she was running with her tail between her legs, she decided to lay a trap of her own. Using her species’ advanced sensory organs to track Dentala, even without line of sight, and set up where she would least expect.
Dentala was mid jump, when Gre’Namra opened fire. She was ‘dead’, before she even landed. “Tsk. That was smart, too bad you’re dead,” Dentala said with a bitter undertone.
Gre’Namra scoffed. “What? Look who talking!” As soon as the words left her mouth, her sensors flashed and stayed lit, indication she was dead.
Someone tapped the barrel of an energy rifle on the back of her helmet. “Remember your opponents. Lioranians have excellent speed and agility. If you aren’t paying attention, we can run up on you before you have time to react,” Onsa bragged from behind her.
Gre’Namra thumped her tail on the ground. “I could have sensed you anyway if I wasn’t wearing this armor! It reduces my sight time too much!”
“True,” Onsa nodded. “But without that armor, you would have been dead already.”
Kitern suddenly began clapping a hand on a section of railing, drawing everyone’s attention. “You did good privates. Better than I had thought. Vigil, you did about what I expected for your first time,” she said, looking down at everyone. Asteli was busy punching Vigil in the arm, blaming him for their loss. Vigil barely even registered the blows, let alone was harmed by them.
“Everyone, go back to your bases and get ready for round two. I’m hoping to see some improvement,” she said merrily, enjoying the show.
Taking up the same position as last time, Kitern began counting down. Asteli punched Vigil’s arm again. “Use some of that ass kicking energy you showed us on that Nemesis ship this tim-”
Kitern had finished counting down. The moment she did, Vigil practically disappeared. Startling Asteli and Gre’Namra, even Kitern and Shavan were wide eyed when Vigil darted around the container walls, making up their base.
They grew even wider, and their jaws appeared to hit the floor as they watched Vigil dash across the battlefield. He was a blur, rushing over and around cover. Already nearing the enemy base. He jumped on top of a waist high stack of crates and used both of his powerful legs to jump straight up and over Dentala’s and Onsa’s front wall.
The two marines hadn’t even left the confines of their base, when the light was blocked out by Vigil sailing above them. In an instant, the sensors on their heads flashed twice, then remained on, signaling their demise.
Vigil landed on both feet and went into a squat to help transfer some of the energy from his impact. He cleared the entire base and ended up on the outside of the arena. The deck reverberated from the force of his body slamming into it and created a mini avalanche of poorly stacked boxes. As the various boxes and crates fell away, Onsa and Dentala were graced with a view of Vigil’s back, as he slowly rose to an upright position.
They stared at him, flabbergasted. “How?” Dentala whispered in disbelief.
Kitern watched, just as stunned. “Uhhh… the match is… over,” she said slowly.
“What?!” Asteli shouted from her side of the field. She stuck her head out from behind cover, making sure it wasn’t a trap, before approaching the other base. Seeing that Dentala and Onsa were really out, she walked up to them and chuckled. “Remember your opponents. Humans have excellent speed and agility,” she mimicked Onsa’s earlier statement mockingly.
Onsa scowled at her. She then rotated her rifle with one arm and shot Asteli. Asteli returned the gesture by blowing her species’ equivalent of a raspberry. “Alright, alright. Settle down children,” Kitern announced as her platform lowered. “Normally you would be tied one for one, but now that Vigil seems to be trying. I doubt you’ll be getting any more points.” She directed the tail end of her sentence to Onsa and Dentala.
Dentala protested and gestured to the large imposing man who was now gathered with the others. “We can take him. Now that we know what he can do, we can beat him.”
Kitern waved her off. “I love the enthusiasm, but we couldn’t take him when we had actual guns. And he was literally dying. You can’t take him on now. Not the two of you atleast.” She then did something not characteristic of her species. Kitern grinned, barring her teeth. To a Lioranian, showing one’s teeth was a declaration of war, that you wanted to fight, that blood would soon be spilled. They also did it subconsciously when faced with a foe or extreme challenge. And right now, Vigil was both.
Kitern reached over and took off her sling. She rolled her left arm, causing it to pop. “You aren’t supposed to move your arm!” Onsa nagged.
“Yeah, yeah. What the doc don’t know won’t hurt her.” She picked up a pack of sensors and began putting them on. The sensor for her head looked stupid sitting on top of her head, like a little hat. “I’m joining in now, kiddos.”
“Um, captain. You aren’t wearing armor,” Gre’Namra pointed out.
“And?” Kitern scoffed. “Unless you take that dampener off, I can be as naked as the day I was born and not get hurt. At most it’ll singe my fur.”
Asteli spoke up, a nervous undertone in her voice. “Even with Vigil, ma’am, we can’t beat you.”
“You two won’t, but Vigil could. So it’s a good thing you won’t be fighting me,” she replied cryptically. The other four marines looked at her confused. Seeing their reactions, she chuffed and laughed. “Watching you all go at it made me excited. And since we’re still O for one against big boy over there. I think it’s time we evened the score.”
“You mean…” Dentala said, catching on.
Kitern nodded. “Yep. It’s going to be a five versus one. We’re going to have a grudge match.”
All eyes turned to Vigil. He simply tilted his head, not sure why everyone was looking at him.
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Hello, I am back! For how long? I have no idea, but until I have to leave again, I'll be uploading as normal. Also, after this point, you may occasionally see stories called Orphan: Tales of the Past, where I give a bit more backstory or just write "bolter porn", (I hope I'm using that correctly) essentially just action packed wabattle scenes from the Human Nemesis war. To be honest, 99% of it is bolter porn. I have backstory chapters for several characters set up, but haven't actually written any yet.

Y’all - I did some highway driving this weekend, flat highway driving.
On the same day, I drove 177 miles on one tank of gas. My car was sputtering when it got to the pump. That’s bad mileage for one full tank of gas. This was at highway speed (81ish MPH on cruise).
I drove back at 60ish MPH and got 172 miles on just over half a tank….measured 10.5 gallons. The last leg of my trip I drove probably 76ish MPH and got about 126 miles on 9.75 gallons.
Did I just find a sweet spot at 55-60 MPH? Did that really just double my fuel economy?
The FJ is pretty loaded down with a winch, full bars, rear storage, and a tent. So I accept the bad mileage but…..double? I might need to start taking the county highways more.

Y’all - I did some highway driving this weekend, flat highway driving.
On the same day, I drove 177 miles on one tank of gas. My car was sputtering when it got to the pump. That’s bad mileage for one full tank of gas. This was at highway speed (81ish MPH on cruise).
I drove back at 60ish MPH and got 172 miles on just over half a tank….measured 10.5 gallons. The last leg of my trip I drove probably 76ish MPH and got about 126 miles on 9.75 gallons.
Did I just find a sweet spot at 55-60 MPH? Did that really just double my fuel economy?
The FJ is pretty loaded down with a winch, full bars, rear storage, and a tent. So I accept the bad mileage but…..double? I might need to start taking the county highways more.